Looky, Daddy!

Weekend Weblink

Because even stay at home dads need a break. See you Monday.

14 Minutes of Your Life that You'll Never Get Back

Try This at Home!

Here's a fun experiment for all of my readers who don't have kids. Have you ever wondered what it's like to feed an infant? Now you can experience it for yourself! Follow along and make learning fun!

Supplies:

mashed carrots

straw

spoon

partner

Procedure:

Have your partner place the straw in his or her mouth. Place a small amount of carrots on the spoon. Using the spoon, try to push the carrots into the open end of the straw while your partner shakes his or her head vigorously while blowing forcefully through the other end.

Repeat until carrots are gone.

Wasn't that interesting, kids? Keep checking back here for more fun with science!

Guess the Word, Win a Prize!

This is one of those posts I know I'll get in trouble for, but I feel strongly that if I don't post it, then the terrorists have already won.

Lila leaned a new word today. Can you guess what it is? Play the movie to hear it.

Can you guess what object she's trying to name? Guess correctly and you might win a fabulous prize!

Submit your idea in the comments section. I'll be collecting submissions through the weekend and on Monday, October 2nd, I'll draw a random winner from all the correct entries received. The winner will receive an almost one-of-a-kind autographed 6th-birthday CD edition of Kathryn's Luau Party Mix.

All I ask is that you keep your entries clean. Just because it sounds like my one-year-old has a potty mouth is no reason for you to follow suit.

Good luck,

The Dad

Guess The Word Update: Thank you all for your delightful and creative guesses. This has been even more fun than I had imagined! But unbelievably, as of 7:00 AM Friday morning, none of the guesses are correct. (Actually, it's not really that unbelievable. I mean, if I didn't know what she was saying, there'd be no way I'd guess it.) As I wrote in the post, I'm going to keep it open through the weekend, but I will make one change: If nobody has guessed the word by Sunday night, then I'll randomly select one of the existing guesses to win the fabulous prize. I mean, this prize is WAY too fabulous to not give away! So keep those guesses coming and good luck!

And it is possible that Lila has a bit of a lisp, if that helps.

Ask The Dad

Disclaimer: The Dad is not a substitute for professional medical advice. If you have a genuine question or concern about your children or the children of those around you, please seek the advice of a pediatrician or your local parish priest.

Dear The Dad,

How can you tell if your twins are identical?

Thanks, Dana

Dear Dana,

I get asked this question a lot, and while I am certainly no expert in the field, I'm happy to relate what I know.

Every twin born in the United States after 1974 is imprinted with a unique serial number. This serial number is located inside your twin's battery compartment and can be accessed through the following steps:

Lay your baby gently on his stomach and find the battery compartment. Using a quarter or similar object, open the battery compartment and carefully remove the battery. Underneath the battery should be one of the following:

For models born before 1996:

For models born on or after 1996:

 

If your twin is identical, the 10-character serial number (S/N) will be be followed by an "i": (S/N: XXXXXXXXXX-i). Otherwise, your twin is fraternal.

It is recommended that you copy your twin's serial number onto the registration card that came packaged with your baby and keep this in a secure place. This number will be needed if your child is ever lost or stolen or you have questions concerning your child's warranty.

After replacing the battery, it will be necessary to reboot your twin. This can be done by pressing the area just behind the child's left ear firmly with your thumb or forefinger.

Note: The proceding only applies to twins born in the United States. The serial numbers for twins imported from Asia or Central Europe are located, in most cases, on the sole of the child's left foot. For all other countries, contact your local embassy or consulate.

I hope this helps, Dana, and remember that it is always a good idea to make a complete backup of your twin before removing the battery or performing any major upgrades.

Good luck,

The Dad

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I Hate Magna-Doodleor why I called this blog Looky Daddy

Children need affirmation. A lot of affirmation. In a very scientific study that I just imagined in my head, researchers found that children need affirmation approximately once every eight seconds.

"Looky, Daddy! Looky!" are the most common words we stay-at-home dads hear. Period.

That's why I hate Magna-Doodle. Don't get me wrong, it's a great concept: Your child can scribble a drawing, and then erase it and begin a new one. No paper. No markers. No need for any more room in the art gallery that used to be your refrigerator. It's a self-contained keep-the-kid-busy-while-you-make-a-sandwich art studio. Genius, right? Wrong.

You see, after every little drawing made by your dearest darling, there's a "Looky, Daddy!" And unless you want to foot big therapy bills when your child gets older, this "Looky, Daddy!" must be followed by you giving a significant glance at the artwork presented. Maybe even a "Wow," or a "That's great" would be appropriate. (But for God's sake don't try to guess what your child has drawn. I swear, if DaVinci had used a Magna-Doodle, the Mona Lisa would have looked like a funny-shaped tree. Or maybe a vertical fish.)

If your wee one is half as prolific and speedy as mine, there might be 20 or 30 magnetic masterpiece-induced "Looky, Daddy!"s in the time that it takes you to make a sandwich. If you can actually make the sandwich. And it is the very nature of the beast that causes the problem. You see, your child cannot begin a new picture without erasing the old one, and the old one cannot possibly be erased until you pronounce it a truly splendid acheivement.

So skip the Magna-Doodle. Clean off the refrigerator door, buy a box of crayons, and go make yourself a sandwich.

The Wonder of Nature

A baby zebra can pick out its parents from a herd of zebras by sight. At a distance of 200 meters, proud penguin parents can detect their own baby's call from a chorus of seemingly identical baby penguin squawks. Parents of identical twins, babies that share the same DNA and are in every outward sense an exact image of each other, can at a glance tell their children apart. How can these impossible feats happen? It is through the Wonder of Nature.

In our case, the Wonder of Nature is best explained as follows: Babies are incredibly clumsy. From the beginning of life, when a single swipe of a fingernail can leave a tiny mark on a cheek, through toddlerhood, where spills and falls are as plentiful as stale Goldfish crackers on the floor of my minivan, babies are constantly engaged in some sort of self-inflicted body modification. And, while this might elicit sighs and sympathy from most parents, for the parents of identical twins, it is a godsend.

So all this goes to say that, unless Lila also decides to run head-first into the china cabinet, Victoria is going to be easily recognizable for a least a week or so.

Thus is the Wonder of Nature.

Weekend Weblink

See you all back on Monday.

-The Dad

Child In Corner To Exact Revenge As Soon As He Gets Out

And Now a Word from The Mom

The Dad had one of his usual irreverent and snarky posts all queued up and ready to go, but you'll have to wait until after the weekend for that one. I had something I wanted to write instead.

The Dad's job is extremely tough. There are hours of non-stop crying (from the twins, not The Dad); sessions where Kathryn can’t seem to do anything but whine; months where the flu was followed by the croup, followed by ear infections, etc. The hours are long and the pay is dismal. But occasionally there are benefits that no corporation can match.

Tonight was Back-to-School Night at Kathryn’s school. Since I hadn’t yet met her teacher, The Dad nicely allowed me to represent the family and attend (a true bonus to get out of the house for a non-work related event). School has only been in session for two weeks, but the walls were already covered with examples of the students’ work. One of the displays was about heroes. It had American flags that the children had colored with drawings and fill-in-the-blank sentences attached. Kathryn’s artwork showed her loft bed with her Dad tucking her in, or perhaps he was covering up in the middle of the night as he always does. Along with the picture it said:

A hero is someone who takes care of you.

My Daddy is a hero because he worries about me.

Kathryn really loves her daddy! (and so do I)

-The Mom

State of the Blog Address

TypePad, my blogging service, offers a thirty-day free trial period and, as of today, my free trial is up. So I think I should pause for a moment and take stock in what I've learned over this past month.

I've learned what my mom thinks is funny and what she thinks is NOT funny.

I've learned that it is not three college tuitions but three car insurance payments I should be worried about (thanks, Kate).

I've learned that there are colleges that offer twin discounts, but I don't want my girls to attend any of them (thanks, Rachel).

I've learned that photoshopped pictures of your kids, like this one:

or this one:

are a laugh riot for only a very selective audience, and that none of that audience is represented in my immediate family.

I've learned (and been very traumatised by, and even considered turing off comments because of) the fact that a college student is closer in age to my first grader than to me (thanks, Katie).

I've learned that an accidental mention in the New York Times can bring over 500 hits a day, but that Baristanet can catapult you over a thousand.

I've learned that posting something funny when your day has been anything but can be a challenge.

I've learned that, while I certainly did not begin this blog simply to hear from you, gentle reader, it only takes one comment on a post to make my day.

I've learned that every parent has a poopfest story. And some parents even took pictures.

and

I've learned that it apparently takes longer than 30 days to strike a 6-figure book deal, so I guess I'll keep blogging.

Ask The Dad

Emails have been flooding my InBox since I started this blog. Most have been from my mother, and the rest from my wife, but occasionally I get an email from you, gentle reader. Often these emails contain questions for me, The Dad. I won't reprint the questions from my mom or my wife here because they are personal and often insulting, but for the other questions I have received, I've decided to add a weekly feature called "Ask The Dad." I hope you find it informative.

Dear The Dad,

Your stories of being a stay-at-home dad are very sobering. How do I avoid becoming like you?

Thank you,

Scared of Staying Home

Dear Scaredy Dad,

For some time now I've given this issue a lot of thought. In fact, as I have changed diaper after diaper in my 6 long years of being home, I've wondered about little else. Where did I go wrong and how can I help others learn from my mistakes? So here are the ten rules I have devised to help keep future fathers from following in my footsteps:

1. Don't major in philosophy, no matter how stridently the department head claims businesses are hiring people "who can think."

2. Don't marry up.

3. Tell your wife that you think beating children instills character.

4. Never say you think au pairs are "hot". This greatly reduces the chance that you'll get one.

5. Claim that baby-proofing a house is contrary to the theory of natural selection.

6. Ask your wife if beer makes babies sleep longer.

7. Never read a parenting book. Say you plan to handle everything by instinct, then repeat the question about the beer.

8. Say you heard pushing a stroller is a good way to pick up lonely women.

9. One word: Vasectomy.

And last but certainly not least,

10. Say you want to stay at home so you can blog about your experiences.

Good luck, Scaredy Dad. Hope this helps.

The Dad

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