I’m blogging in real time here. We are 30,000 feet above the earth, facing a strong headwind, traveling to Dallas/Fort Worth at eight-tenths of the speed of sound. My whole family is here. The Mom is in the row in front of me squeezed between Kathryn and Victoria while I’m in the middle seat behind her, between Lila and a woman I don’t know.
There is an art to flying with twins; an art you must learn quickly. Our first flight, a little under a year ago at Christmas, was horrific. The second flight, just a week later returning home, was much better. Now, on this flight, we are seasoned pros.
I have learned that it is necessary to dress your little ones in their cutest clothes, and then let them run around in front of the check-in desk before your flight. Tell them to wave at the check-in attendants and even blow kisses if possible. Make them so adorable and irresistible that even the most harassed check-in clerks' hearts will melt, because nothing makes your day go better than when the people in charge like your babies.
I did not know this a year ago. Back then, the babies were crawling, not walking, and The Mom and I set up them up in a defensible and enclosed location far removed from the gate where they could crawl around and get their wiggles out beforehand. The gatekeepers never saw the kids and thus their icy hearts never melted. And when the time came to board, they were ugly. Oh so ugly.
But that is a topic for another post. I think I’ll call it “I Made 145 People Miss Their Connecting Flights and Other Stories of Traveling with Twins”. Come to think of it, that would be an awesome title for a book, wouldn’t it? Okay, nobody steal it—it’s mine.
I have also learned that car seats can only go in an airplane’s window seat. They cannot be placed side-by-side because the FAA says that a car seat in a middle chair will block the window seat passenger’s emergency escape route. It does not matter to the FAA that the window seat passenger is also an 11-month-old whose ability to escape is already blocked by simply being an infant and a car seat or two is not going to change anything.
I have learned that it is better for twins to be one behind the other, not across the isle from each other. That way, when they kick the seat in front of them (and they will kick the seat in front of them), only one of them is kicking a stranger.
I have learned that having a flight attendant who also happens to have twins can be the difference between a bad flight and a flight that is nicer and more relaxing than many spa trips. “More wine, The Dad? You look like you could use it. Courtesy of American Airlines.”
I have learned that pre-boarding a toddler is just plain dumb. In fact, airlines should board everyone else first, make sure that everything is ready to go, get clearance for take-off, and then bring on the babies.
I have learned that nothing can keep a toddler more entertained than a game of "airsickness-bag surprise." This is when you take random toy and place it inside a folded, secured, and above all unused airsickness bag and then let the toddler wrestle with it for a good 20 minutes just to see what's inside. And if toys aren't an exciting enough reward, place a little 'Nilla wafer in there. They'll go nuts.
I have learned that pilots will wait until just after your baby has gone to sleep to announce that you are now flying over Lake Whogivesacrap.
I have learned that babies love turbulence. "More shakey! More shakey!"
And most importantly, I have learned that a little half-teaspoon a half-hour before take-off of Benadryl never hurt anyone.