Dear The Dad,
Curious on a guy's perspective...
After your kids were born, did you ever have a time when your wife wanted to be intimate and you didn't?
Thanks so much!
L, mother of three girls
Dear L,
Since the kids, has there ever been a time when my wife has wanted to fool around but I haven't? Well, not exactly, but certainly there have been some major changes in how she and I approach intimacy these days.
Not long after the twins were born, The Mom started to get into fantasies. One night, after the kids were all tucked in, she approached me with an idea, and it nearly floored me. She wanted to role play. "You be the plumber, out on a service call" she said coyly, "and I'll be the helpless housewife."
I was game, what guy wouldn't be? So I went down to the basement, dusted off my tool box, and headed back up to the bedroom. But my wife wasn't in the bedroom. She was in the bathroom. In a nightie.
"Oh, Mr. Plumber!" She batted her eyelashes. "Our toilet keeps running!" Hair flip. "And I'm home all alone. Can you help me?"
Funny enough, our toilet did keep running. I'd been meaning to get to it for weeks. So I opened up my toolbox, rolled up my sleeves, and fixed it the blasted thing. All the while, The Mom was all, "You're so strong!" and "What a big wrench you have!" and "You're getting so dirty!" and "What a man you are!"
It was hot.
My wife's fantasies didn't end there, though. A few days later, it was Mr. Handyman and the Helpless Housewife. I changed two light bulbs and rehung a fallen picture. "Oh, I love the way you screw that lightbulb!" Then it was Mr. Painter and the Helpless Housewife. I painted over some old water stains in the bathroom. "Prime it, baby, prime it!"
I thought that these fantasies would eventually peter out after a while, but they didn't. My wife had a seemingly endless supply of kinky sex fantasies. There was Mr. Gardener and the Helpless Housewife, Mr. Floor Cleaner and the Helpless Housewife, Mr. Empty the Dishwasher and the Helpless Housewife, Mr. Clothes Folder and the Helpless Housewife, the list was endless.
Somewhere between Mr. Laundry Pre-treater and Mr. Cat Litter Sweeper-Upper, she began to forget the lingerie, and soon after that the hot sex became less and less pivotal, but my wife assures me that this is all part of the fantasy. "You wouldn't want me to sleep with every handyman that shows up, would you?" she explained. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"
I'll be honest, when I married her, I had no idea that this woman would turn out to be so kinky. I must be the luckiest guy in the world.
Hope this helps,
The Dad
Got a question for The Dad? Email me.
Hilarious! I'm already to cook up my own "Mr. Empty-the-Dishwasher" fantasy!
This reminds me of the beer commerical series from a couple of superbowls ago called "Real American Heros." You can actually check out Mr. Footlong Hot Dog Inventor at:
http://thefuntimesguide.com/2005/10/hotdogsbaseball.php
It's a super funny ad.
My fav, however, was the ode to "Mr. Fancy Coffee Shop Pourer."
Posted by: Loretta Pubin | January 29, 2007 at 08:34 AM
Mr. Laundry-Pre-Treater! Snort.
Posted by: sasha | January 29, 2007 at 09:41 AM
I now have a plan to get ALL the things in my 100 year old house fixed......
Thanks The Dad and The Mom.......
I'll keep you posted on how it works......or maybe I'll be too busy playing helpless housewife to write(!)
Posted by: monster mama | January 29, 2007 at 11:24 AM
Oh, how funny! Way to go The Mom! You are a genius! I might have to have the Mr. steam clean my carpet fantasy when my dear hubby gets home from his trip. LOL! :)
Posted by: Tammy from Twinstuff | January 29, 2007 at 11:44 AM
After 14 years of being married, I had never thought of this. Perhaps NOW I can finaly get that shelf built......
For some reason though.....my kinky one is "Mr. Lottery winner"...hmmmmmmm
Posted by: JudieDJ | January 29, 2007 at 01:37 PM
Yours is the funniest blog I have been introduced to (via finslippy) in a long time! Hilarious - even to an unmarried non-parent. I am a fan. - Linda
Posted by: ochicago | January 29, 2007 at 01:38 PM
I have heard that lingerie and dirty talk can get actual repairmen to work faster and charge less. Don't look at me like that, it's just what I've heard.
Posted by: KatieG | January 29, 2007 at 02:30 PM
I'll have to try this at my house. Maybe THIS is how I can get the garage cleaned out.
Posted by: Merry Jennifer | January 29, 2007 at 02:51 PM
It's a win-win situation. You get what you want . . . and you get what you want.
Posted by: The Mom | January 29, 2007 at 03:00 PM
I'm having a fantasy right now about how hot it would be to have sex while someone else was cleaning my house.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | January 29, 2007 at 05:04 PM
How have I not thought of this before now?!? Oh yeah, I lost my brain cells when I gave birth to my twins. Thanks in advance to The Mom for a genius idea... I'm sure my husband thanks you too.
Posted by: EOMama | January 29, 2007 at 06:07 PM
Oh how I wish...I WISH that my HH (hot hubby) was motivated by such things. My request to play out such fantasies would be answered by "Sure honey...let me finish coding this script first (for the next three hours)".
*sigh*
Right about the time I'm celebrating NOT celebrating the super football thing, I remember that we all have our stuff.
Nice thinking on the Mom's part!
Posted by: TSM-terrifically superiorily mediocre | January 29, 2007 at 09:09 PM
I tried the whole role play thing once. I didn't have dental insurance, so I dated a dentist. One night I said, "let's pretend that I need my wisdom teeth pulled."
My mouth was really sore in the morning. So was my...
Posted by: Mist 1 | January 30, 2007 at 12:04 AM
I can't stop laughing here. Brilliant work the Mom!
Posted by: caramaena | January 30, 2007 at 09:44 AM
I laughed so hard at this, now my belly hurts. I think that means I don't have to do my sit-ups today.
Thank you very much.
Posted by: Another Anna | February 02, 2007 at 07:12 AM