Nuts

Thank God The Mom wasn't in the car. This was way worse than running over that pigeon.

The pigeon was really a non-issue. I didn't exactly run over it as much as I helped it along its way. I drove through a crowd of pigeons, and when they dispersed, one just happened to fly in the same direction as my car. Although I was driving slowly, the pigeon was flying more slowly, so naturally I helped it along its way for a while. Like a wave helping a surfer. And it was fine until The Mom asked, loudly enough for the back seat to hear, "Did you just hit that pigeon?"

The Mom is always saying stuff like that.

But this time was worse. The running squirrel was very visible to the taller elements of the back seat. The sudden braking was very noticeable as well. So was the thump-bump.

Kathryn is, shall we say, a sensitive child. She doesn't deal well with tragedy or death. Kathryn firmly believes that chicken nuggets are a product of chickens in much the same way that eggs are. At dinner the other night she entertained us all with a very detailed and convincing picture of farm hands going out in the morning, baskets in hand, to collect the nuggets. Tell her otherwise and there will be hell to pay. Big, nasty hell.

So I was surprised at how well Kathryn handled the squirrel-flattening incident. She understood that it was an accident, and an unavoidable one at that. Still, I'm waiting for the question. She won't ask it tonight; she likes to ruminate a while, waiting until at least one twin is in mortal danger before asking, but she'll ask it soon. Perhaps two days from now, maybe as Victoria stands on Lila's head to get to the hot coffee cup that's just out of reach, Kathryn will turn to me and ask, "Daddy? Do squirrels go to heaven?"

Of course they do, Kathryn. Of course. They all go to heaven, where they feast on heavenly berries and nuts and chicken nuggets, fresh from the basket.

Comments

[rik]

maybe as Victoria stands on Lila's head to get to the hot coffee cup that's just out of reach, Kathryn will turn to me and ask, "Daddy? Do squirrels go to heaven?"

awesome image...just too funny, but not so outrageous that i can't see it in my head right now.

oh yeah, and poor dumb squirrel and whatever.

[Monkee]

The denial is strong in that one. It will serve her well in life.

Meanwhile, my family calls them Kamikaze squirrels. Especially the ones that dart into the street, see you coming, and then backtrack instead of continuing on their squirrelly little way.

[Pam aka Sofa King@GotTwinz]

Love this! Love Katheryn's idea about chicken nuggets too! In fact we just had an argument at the dinner table the other day. Skyler yelling, "Mooooommmmmm, Mallory said that the fish we are eating is from real fish. She's lying and should get punished!" I looked at the Dad and just said Oy Vey, while he needed to make an urgent phone call all of the sudden.

[Vikki]

Our son (5 1/2) is a ruminator too. When he was 3, we had to put to sleep a stray kitten we had taken in because it had some terminal something or other. I can't remember. Anyway, we put the kitten down in June and he said goodbye to the kitten, shed a tear but was fine. Two months later, while on vacation in Portugal, he screamed suddenly from the back seat, "WHY? WHY? Why did Fuzzy have to die?" Then came the questions...

[The Godfather]

When she asks, do what our parents did-- say, "ask your mother."

[Crystal]

Hi The Dad!
I'm a reader who is now outting herself.
Let me start by saying, I found you by 2 or 3 degrees (you know, a friend linked a blog that had you linked, etc) and I'm so glad I found you! I am a new mom to twin boys (they were born Nov. 18--2 1/2 months old now!) and we, too, are experiencing "the dark days." At any rate, it's nice to have a good laugh and see some of the things I have in store for me. I also have a daughter who just turned 3. (help)
I do blog, but most of my blogging is uninteresting with, perhaps, the occasional witty streak.

Anyway, upon reading your latest post, I could not help but Google "Squirrel Heavan" and had a good chuckle over the first 2 hits.
Apparently there is a site dedicated to squirrel hating, and they even broach the subject Squirrel Heavan subject at Scary Squirrel World
Also, if it was a white squirrel, apparently it goes here at Sam Sanfillippo's
That one I find particularly funny since this guy lives here in Madison.

Hope you get a laugh from these.

~Sleepless in Wisconsin

[LIB]

I call squirrels that run in front of your car "suicidal squirrels". Don't worry, he/she wasn't happy with his/her life.

[KatieG]

Yes! Suicidal squirrels, yes! I saw this in action when I was pregnant with the twins. Our dog liked to bark at the squirrels that would walk on the fence tops & hop from tree to tree (as most dogs are wanton to do.) One day he was losing his mind barking, so I tried to get him to come in the house when the squirrel ran down the fence right at the dog. What was the dog to do? He simply plucked the squirrel out of the grass and ended his miserable life. Stupid, stupid squirrel. I should also mention here that my husband laughed at me when I called him at work crying (pregnacy hormones) to come get the dead squirrel out of the yard. Stupid, stupid husband.

[Sue]

Do you think she's old enough for a lesson in natural selection?

[Not Erin]

One word: homeostasis

P.S. Mmmm...squirrel. Tastes like chicken.

[JulieB]

Well, that's one less squirrel that will land on someone's dinner plate...

Since you now hail from NJ, you may have already heard this news report. I really do love animals but couldn't help but have a good laugh over this one:

N.J. Warns Residents Not To Eat Squirrels Near Toxic Dump:

http://www.nbc10.com/news/10843917/detail.html?rss=phi&psp=news

[JulieB]

I should clarify that I didn't laugh at the contamination part, but at the guidelines on squirrel consumption...

[Amber]

too funny. I just love when I come here and there is a new post. I feel like a stalked, as many times as I click on your blog. But this one today, is just another reason why...you seriously crack me up.

"the Mom is always saying stuff like that"

I laughed out loud. how do you make that funny? you are a gift.

Amber

[Abby]

Do you have a book? I'd buy your book. Or I will buy your book.

And did your daughter really push over a gravestone? That's hilarious.

Thank God for archives.

[The Dad]

I do have a book. Actually, I have many books. But you wouldn't buy any of them. They are, if you can believe this, math books. I write math books for elementary students.

And, yes, one of my twins really did push over a gravestone. Not that you weren't right to ask. As I've heard it said before, I never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

[Mist 1]

My grandpa hit a bird once. Grandma got all distraught and made him pull over to check on the bird which was stuck in the grill of the car. He approached cautiously and the bird flew away with a piece of the grill. Grandpa hated birds for the rest of his life.

[JulieB]

I work for a leading educational publisher. Perhaps I have actually read some of your math books. ;-)

[kim de kimblahg]

A barn owl once flew straight into my windshield with a sickening thump. My then three year old son was in the backseat when it happened and he burst into tears about how we killed the owl. I felt terrible and turned around to see if I could find it and possibly call The Conservation Department (I mean, it WAS an owl) and it was gone. Apparently, I just stunned and possibly mortally injured it and it had took off. Whew- I was able to tell him the owl was just fine and all was good. Sorry it didn't work out that way with the squirrel.

[Abby]

I am an editor, and I cannot do math. It is SO NOT FAIR that you can write AND do math - you freak of nature. And I mean that as a compliment.

But I would still (maybe) buy your books in case they made me laugh.

I've now read all (I think) of your archives. You're still not making me want to NOT have kids. My mother thanks you for this (she wants grandkids, as she tells me every. day.) but my husband does NOT thank you (he is in law school. we are poor.)

[Polly]

You know not to get me started on squirrels. But I do feel for you. I will never forget running over a ground-hoggish critter who positively dove under the car wheels in northeastern CA when I was 18. Either Kathryn will become a radical vegan type, or a taxidermist. Best of luck with either outcome.

[Monica (GZ)]

I think I'm going to have to agree with the whole suicidal squirrel idea... They just see ya comin' and run right out in front of the car... reminds me of that Insurance commercial... where the driver actually tried to miss, and wrecks.. next you see the squirrels and their "secret handshake" ... naughty squirrels...