Ask The Dad

Dear The Dad,

I have the same family configuration you do (identical twin girls, a daughter 4 years older), just one year behind. We were stunned—and not in a good way--to discover we were having twins in that second pregnancy (insert standard I-love-them-very-much-blah-blah-blah disclaimer here).

Many, many times, especially during the horror that is the twin newborn time, we have been told by childless people that they would voluntarily sign up for this fate. That they really, really hope they have twins. Something about it being so cute dressing them alike and “being done”— I don’t really know because I can’t hear them over the thunder of my head exploding.

So, my question: What do you say to people like this? Because screaming “Are you HIGH?!?!” seems to offend them.

Thanks,

Lisa in Seattle

Dear Lisa,

Try this: Next time a woman stops you on the street to tell you she really, really wants twins, take out a piece of paper, write a phone number on it, then lean in close and say, "Have your husband call me. I'll make you a set real pretty."

Got a question for The Dad? Email me.

Email The Dad

Comments

[Tammy from Twinstuff]

LOL! I am dying here! I've had tons of people tell me they plan to have twins. It drives me crazy. How do you plan that? I didn't. My dad was a twin. His twin sister had twins. His brother's wife had triplets. The thought never occured to me that I would ever have twins. I have to say that teenagers are the worst. I had one come up to me very excited and hugging me because I had twins. They don't have a clue what how much energy and effort it takes to take care of twins.
The other thing that drives me nuts is when people ask you how you got twins. I told one little old lady after she asked that I had sex after my hubby came home from a long deployment in Iraq. She let out a giggle and blushed. :)

[Loretta]

Brillant!
And then, Lisa, you should do some pelvic thrusting, make some sort of suggestive hand movement, or whatever the moment calls for.

[Lisa in Seattle]

Aw, yeah! Then I will pull out my stomach (all four yards of it) and say, "'Cause the men? They flock to this shit."

[Kate]

I told someone once that if you do it doggy style you get a litter.

[Swamper]

Snort!

[b]

oh boy. i nannied for twins. everyday i would tell my fiance that i did NOT want any kids. (he rightfully did not believe me.)that was the most miserable time in my life by far.

[twinmommy]

My favorite was when someone said to me "If I get pregnant again I want it to be twins, then I'll be done, I mean it would only be hard for a little while." When I heard this, I had to pick my jaw off the floor, shake my head to come to and then take 5 deep breaths, I had no response. What I really wanted to say was, oh really, how about we trade kids for a while and let's see who waves the white flag first, me with your 5 and 3 year old or you with my two 18 month olds. My other favorite is "oh you are so lucky they will always have a playmate." Yeah that will be nice someday. Until such time I am the built in bodyguard for two toddlers protecting them from each other. Do you know how much damage a toy frying pan or a lego block can do, it can be ugly. Even when they are trying to hug and kiss each other it resembles more like a rugby team than it does two angelic like munchkins being nice for a moment. When people say stupid things like that to me, I secretly wish that they do have a batch of babies. I can then say to them, "oh I wish I had triplets, quads, quints, etc. I mean it would only be hard for a little while."

[Laura]

Okay I wanted twins before I started reading this blog and the comments of all the readers of this blog who have twins. Now I'm not so sure. I never thought it would be easy and I would never say that to a parent of twins. I just always wanted 2 at the same time. A boy and a girl. In the way it is when little girls plan their lives. I also wanted Prince Charming and to live in a house with a white picket fence (do you know how hard it is to keep a white fence white??) Now I'm terrified of twins. My cousin had triplets and even THAT didn't dissuade me from hoping for twins. But THIS blog and the readers of this blog scare the hell out of me.

[swimming in laundry]

I have a 6 six yr old plus almost 3 yr old twins. As I was trying to order my sanity, I mean vanilla latte, some women said "I think the only thing harder that twins would be to have 2 really close together." HUH?! How much closer can twins be? I'm not sure if it was the lack of caffeine in my system or the sheer shock of her stupidity, but I actually had nothing to say to her. I couldn't even give the courtesy smile.

[Julie in NJ]

Swimming in Laundry:
I get what that person meant... I have almost two-year-old identical twins but I still often think that having a newborn and a toddler at the same time (two really closer together) is harder. At least twins do the same things at the same time, developmentally that is. And you don't have to contend with the horrible newborn feeding schedule and live on no sleep while trying to also care for a toddler.

[DeeDub]

I was never sure if I'd get one child, let alone two. It cost me roughly $60,000 just to try to get pregnant. So, when someone mentions to me that they want twins (or are "planning" on getting pregnant soon), I have to laugh at them. Then I end up hating them with a white-hot passion of a thousand suns when they come back to me a few months later lamenting about how long it took to get pregnant. Every time I attempted to get pregnant, there were no less than 4 other people in the room with me, none of whom were my husband.

So, when someone tells me they want twins, I say, "well, I know a great doctor who can help you with that."

[Holly]

My worst, God-awful moment about having twins? Right after I announced we were having twins a mom of one of my students asked if I'd taken "litter juice." She meant it to be a funny way of asking if we were using fertility drugs (which we weren't) and I had absolutely no idea how to respond. The other favorite moment? People saying, "Oh, I always wanted twins. Then I had the first one and was SO glad that didn't happen to me!" Thanks. Thanks a lot.

[Dervish]

When I read this, I almost choked on the hastily thrown-together leftovers that constitute lunch when you're a parent of twins. Too funny! I have 4 kids - 8, 5, and 21-m old twins. My hubby has been known to strut around and brag about offering his twin-making services. Um.... a little backwards, hon?

[The Dad]

Litter juice, Holly? Holy Moses is that offensive. You should have replied, "Nope, just regular old man juice. From my husband's penis."

[Holly]

Couldn't really say that as I was teaching in a Christian school. You'd expect a little more tact from Christian parents, no?

[Mommy Brain]

I actually blogged about this not too long ago. It took me a while but I no longer get the urge to throw large objects when people express their desire for twins. Now I think it's pretty cool. Okay, I do have relapses every once in a while and the twins are my only two kids so maybe that helps.

Now what annoys me are the "Do you have help?" and "Double trouble" comments. My strangest comment in reaction to me having twins was from the Senior VP of my company who told me that I "always was efficient."

[EOMama]

I was one of those idiots who thought it would be "cool" to have twins. Then I had them. Clearly, I racked up some bad karma in a previous life!

[RachelJoy]

OK, am I the only one who has twins who does think it's "cool" to have twins? Granted, the first 18 months I was ready to commit myself at any moment (response to the "I want to have twins" comment was usually "here, please take them"), but by around age 2 we started payback. My twins actually play together, love each other, hug and kiss each other (without injury), and I'm counting on things staying good at least until we have 2 teenagers in the house (they're only 27 months now). So, when people tell me I'm lucky, I usually agree.

[Cassie]

"Aw, yeah! Then I will pull out my stomach (all four yards of it) and say, "'Cause the men? They flock to this shit."" HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Renata]

I'm glad at least a couple of people have anything remotely positive to say about their twins here. The above was the first I heard anyone utter anyone "I-love-them-very-much-blah-blah-blah disclaimer" at all, let alone a "standard" one. I'll happily subscribe to The Dad's philosophy that Babies Shouldn't Come in Twos (or anything other than Ones). But sometimes they do. So I've been wondering, Where's the love?

My own disclaimer: I distinctly recall the initial, utter shock of being told about a Baby B's existence in my second pregnancy. But I later experienced the nastily euphemized "vanishing twin syndrome". And from where I stand, the hellishness of raising multiples has to be preferable to losing a heartbeat in utero.

[Lisa in Seattle]

Renata,

I think the love is assumed by every parent of twins here. But there is no denying that raising twins is excruciatingly hard. People are always happy to hear how rewarding parenting is; there are precious few places where it is OK to bitch and complain about it. That, I think, accounts for the lack of positive comments you might read here.

FWIW, I myself lost two different heartbeats in utero before conceiving my twins. The difficulty we experienced during their first year (colic, reflux, postpartum-depression) was so severe that it there were times that I despaired of ever being able to really love these poor little babies (which I do, now, with everything I have). During that time, we also had to listen to family and friends tell us that twins were God's way of making up for the miscarriages.

There's no way to compare hellishnesses, but I assure you, the love is there for all of us.

[Lisa in Seattle]

PS: I really don't want to seem to be scolding in my comment above. I can understand how frustrating it might be to have thought you were having twins, lose one, then read a blog where everyone is complaining about their twins. Kind of like losing your job and then reading a blog where everyone is going "Oh, it's just so hard to have all this MONEY!"

[Twinmommy]

I agree with Lisa. I would never, never, never trade my boys for anything (well, don't hold me to that one) but it is hard to have two babies the same age and it is nice to have a place to vent and hear that others go through the same thing. When my friends with one baby say, "yeah we went through refulx too-it's tough" or "why don't you seperate them for their naps, I mean you could put a pack and play in the bathroom couldn't you," it feels very frustrating. At least a place like this is nice to be able to laugh about having twins, say I agree to the situations others go through with twins, and vent about the troubles of raising twins. You can then move on to loving your two blessings, knowing you're not so alone in this parenting thing after all.

[Loren]

My own MOTHER told me (right after we found out we were having three) that she "always wished for twins" with each pregnancy. I told her that we're all glad it never happened - I almost didn't make it past 3 months of colic, then try adding another baby - yikes. I would not be here today, but in a dumpster somewhere in northern wisconsin...

[Renata]

To Lisa in Seattle and Twinmommy and The Mom and Dad and all -

Lisa's money metaphor is apt. This conversation haunted me all day and night yesterday, before and after I posted comment. I think I deserve scolding for raining on the commiseration parade, especially one laced with so much humor. I get the need to commiserate. All new parents need it, and parents of multiples exponentially so. A sense of humor is clearly the key to survival. :) And clearly there is no end to the stupid things people can say to parents of multiples. Please accept my apologies.