The Envelope Please...

The contest was straightforward: Replace the lyrics of a popular children's song with your own. And now the masses have spoken and the results are in. But before I announce the winner, let's review what we have learned. Shall we? Yes, let's.

We learned that if there was ever any contest that made a good, cohesive argument for abstinence, this was it. Foot-shaped black eyes, knife wielding and hutch climbing, school mornings that take longer than school days, loudness, driving lessons, reflux, melt downs and sleepless nights, faulty birth control, Star Wars, rashes and midnight nursings and excessive alcohol tabs, escapes in the night, pregnancies that never end, and mountains upon mountains of bodily substances await those foolish enough to knock boots, with or without protection.

They should print these songs out and post them in high schools. Maybe I could even get this website sponsored by a government grant.

But the winner of the whole shebang (and never has that word been meant more literally) is the one in whose footsteps we most fear to tread: Virginia for Joe-Ray-Lee.

Joe-Ray-Lee by Virginia (Do-Re-Mi)

Joe - a pill that did not work
Ray - the sponge was in my purse
Lee - a faul-ty I-U-D
Rob - again! it made me curse
Flo - a rubber broke in bed
Shawn - he came along with Flo
Dee - sex I've begun to dread
And it all began with Joe!

The problem I now face is this: My prize was supposed to be a few bottles of liquor and maybe an olive or two, but I'm deeply afraid to send such bounty to poor Virginia, lest she consume it and find herself adding yet another name to the scale. Perhaps I should send an engrossing paperback or a year's subscription to HBO on demand. Anything to keep her occupied so nine months from now we don't get a notice about the birth of a new stanza.

Anyway, Virginia, who can be found blogging here, email me your address and I'll send your prize along. And maybe a newborn gift-basket, too. You'll probably need it before too long.

Comments

[Shiri]

Congrats Virginia! Great contest The Dad!

[Loretta]

And nice penchi at the top!

[Nicole]

I loved Virginia's entry. Thanks for a very entertaining contest!

[Amelia]

Twice in the finals, never a winner. Well, if I had to lose to someone, I'm glad it was Virginia's. Guess I'll have to buy my own vodka this week.

[You can call me, Sir']

I can't even bring myself to talk to women now for fear that one thing might lead to another and *poof* children. Knee-deep in poop. And ass-rashes.

Thanks, Pa.

[virginia]

No Vodka! No Vermouth! How do you think I make it through the day (much less the night)!?

Thanks so much for all the votes - I'm glad you liked the song but I didn't do it alone ;-) I was hoping The Dad would be shipping me a copy of his Barry Manilow mix tape cause, you know, music and passion are always in fashion at our house. Hold the newborn gift basket though because that combined with a suggestive wink and nod from my husband are probably all it would take to add another verse.

[EOMama]

Your new "penchi" masthead makes me cringe. Ouch!

[Mauigirl52]

All of the entries were great! Congratulations to Virginia for winning the prize!