Where was I, you ask, while The Mom was hijacking my blog and racking up 20 times my usual comments not that I'm bitter? I'll tell you. I was not sitting in front of John Malkovich. That honor was instead held by Lila's godmother, Alexa. She had flown in for the weekend to see what's left of her self-destructing goddaughter and drink Dark and Stormies with The Mom into the wee hours while I, in turn, took the weekend off and traveled up to her place outside of Boston to drink beer and play cribbage with Alexa's husband, Mr. Paul.
Alexa and Mr. Paul are one of those modern couples who have eschewed children of their own and have filled that void in their lives with a fully-stocked liquor cabinet and fistfuls of disposable income. Which is why Alexa was within a peanut's throw of Mr. Malkovich on her trip, while I was traveling to her place, totally celebrity free, on the Chinatown Bus.
The Chinatown Bus between New York City and Boston is a fantastic way to travel. It picks you up on a seemingly random street corner in one city's Chinatown and deposits you hours later on a street corner in the next. You never really know where it is going to appear and, having traveled it a few times, I have learned that the best approach is just to walk the streets of Chinatown until it finds you. But before you head down there yourself, keep in mind the Chinatown Bus is only for you if you have all of the following: Fifteen dollars, a flexible travel time, and a complete and total disregard for your own personal safety. A disdain for celebrity sightings also helps, as does an acceptance of others who may or may not try to sleep on your shoulder. And drool.
The bus itself has all the amenities you need if all the amenities you need are tires. There is a bathroom in the back, but in the one English phrase I heard him deliver all trip, our bus driver warned us not to poop in it or we'd "be sorry". I'm not sure just how the sorry would evidence itself and I don't wish to dwell too much on it either. I recommend a seat near the front.
Of course, the front of the bus has its problems, too, namely that you are granted the ability to see the other vehicles on the road and take note of the various distances between them and your bus. If you are really foolish, you can sit close enough to the driver to see his reaction, or lack thereof, when said distances become closer that the one between you and Capt. Sleepydrool, your shoulder-nuzzling neighbor.
But, c'mon people, its fifteen dollars. So if your blog is getting hijacked and you've got an iPod loaded with hours of Savage Love podcasts (don't click on the link, Mom), then there's really no better route to Boston. Especially if you don't like being knee-deep in John Malkoviches.
The Dad, your click-through quotient is gonna go through the roof today, thanks to all the people searching for "savage love" on Google...
Posted by: Diane | June 12, 2007 at 11:35 AM
You were up in my neck of the woods, were you? Don't worry, celebrities are overrated. But the Fung Wah bus...that's all it's cracked up to be. You nailed it.
Posted by: Tammy | June 12, 2007 at 11:48 AM
I think the plural would be John Malkovichi. Perhaps.
Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' | June 12, 2007 at 11:58 AM
Hey, I've ridden on that bus! Did yours stop at a bad Chinese food restaurant for the passengers to use the bathroom and then load up at the buffet before reboarding? Chinese food: great for take out, not so good as bus food.
Posted by: Swamper | June 12, 2007 at 01:05 PM
Ahhhhh Fung W@h......I'm happy you're back safely! They've been in the news often here in MA. Once for running in to a toll median. Another for getting stuck under a low bridge. Drivers not exactly mastering the English language. Or able to read english road signs for that matter. So yeah. Glad you're back safely!
Posted by: Neishia | June 12, 2007 at 01:07 PM
Only thing better than being on the China Town Bus is being hungover on the China Town Bus. I puked in that toilet four times in one trip. And yes, I was sorry.
Posted by: Katie | June 12, 2007 at 01:10 PM
Actually, it wasn't Fung Wah. They are way to well-known for a cutting edge hipster like me. I went with a bus service that can best be described as budget Fung Wah, if such a thing is imaginable. And yes, Swamper, we stopped for Chinese food. I skipped it, but perhaps that was a mistake. A big ol' styrofoam box of garlicy goodness might have kept Mr. Droolypants away.
Posted by: The Dad | June 12, 2007 at 01:14 PM
Oh, Katie. Oh dear. Maybe that's what the driver was saying: No puke in the bathroom. He was a little difficult to understand.
Posted by: The Dad | June 12, 2007 at 01:17 PM
I think I remember your friend in the row in front of me. I wouldn't have minded drooling on her, if you know what I mean. Hot potato!
Posted by: John Malkovich | June 12, 2007 at 01:27 PM
No! Did you take the Fung Wah bus? I remember many scary tales from that bus back in my college days. Incidentally, I used to live in Cambridge and see John Malkovich around town. My encounters always left me feeling slightly creeped out.
Posted by: Meg | June 12, 2007 at 01:48 PM
Not Fung Wah. I should really READ the comments before posting one.
Posted by: Meg | June 12, 2007 at 01:49 PM
OH MY GOD! John Malkovich reads your blog!
Posted by: Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer | June 12, 2007 at 01:53 PM
ROFL at your comments.
I'm afraid to ask who IS John Malkovich,
wasn't that a movie?
BTW, I knew it would get your goat that your wife got ten trillion comments but you know, her blog would be yet another mommy blog. We come here because you have a unique perspective in being a stay-at-home dad of twins (and a funny perspective at that.) So never mind the numbers and keep the posts coming!
Posted by: Sandy | June 12, 2007 at 02:16 PM
ROFL at your comments.
I'm afraid to ask WHO is John Malkovich?
wasn't that a movie?
BTW, I knew it would get your goat that your wife got ten trillion comments but you know, her blog would be yet another mommy blog. We come here because you have a unique perspective in being a stay-at-home dad of twins (and a funny perspective at that.) So never mind the numbers and keep the posts coming!
Posted by: Sandy | June 12, 2007 at 02:17 PM
ROFL at your comments.
I'm afraid to ask WHO is John Malkovich?
wasn't that a movie?
BTW, I knew it would get your goat that your wife got ten trillion comments but you know, her blog would be yet another mommy blog. We come here because you have a unique perspective in being a stay-at-home dad of twins (and a funny perspective at that.) So never mind the numbers and keep the posts coming!
Posted by: Sandy | June 12, 2007 at 02:17 PM
Sandy: Increasing my comment numbers by posting three times is not exactly what I'm looking for, but thanks!
Posted by: The Dad | June 12, 2007 at 02:21 PM
What's up with that??
I think the automatic robots got through,
word verification and all.
Posted by: Sandy | June 12, 2007 at 02:22 PM
I saw Malkovich live on a London stage about 15 years ago and it was thrilling. Although he (should I say YOU, since he's reading?) has done a lot of creepy stuff between, I will always think of him as Valmont in Dangerous Liaisons. God, I could still watch that movie and love it.
Not that you should feel bad about being on a manky bus instead of behind him, The Dad. ;)
Posted by: Nicole | June 12, 2007 at 03:17 PM
Two of the very few things that Chinatown and Mexico have in common - completely insane bus drivers and food that gives you diarrhea.
You should get The Mom to sit behind you holding a Malkovich head on a popsicle stick so you can get a REAL feel for the glamour of it all.
Posted by: loren | June 12, 2007 at 03:36 PM
Is "playing cribbage" a euphemism?
Posted by: The Godfather | June 12, 2007 at 03:37 PM
To: The Godfather
From: The Mom
RE: Cribbage
It's all about the pegging.
:-)
Posted by: The Mom | June 12, 2007 at 09:47 PM
Word has it that he hangs out in a bookstore in Porter Square. Just sayin'.
Oh, and thanks for dropping by, ya bastard!
Posted by: Dog Mom | June 12, 2007 at 10:28 PM
What would "getting skunked" be a euphemism for, I wonder...
Posted by: loren | June 13, 2007 at 01:25 AM
Glad you made it back in one piece, hope you are the reigning cribbage champ. My husband taught me how to play it when we first began dating....any pointers, he still always wins!
Posted by: Angela | June 13, 2007 at 09:01 AM
Angela,
Ask The Dad about cribbage pointers from a Florida road trip. Better yet, ask him about the oysters.
Posted by: Gdada | June 13, 2007 at 09:54 AM