Ask The Dad: The Clean-Out-My-Inbox Edition

Dear The Dad,
Whenever someone is 'expecting', people warn them constantly about the poop. But, I can handle poop all day long and twice on Sundays (that didn't sound right, but you get my meaning)... it's the throw-up that I can't stand. Don't you agree?
The Godfather

Dear The Godfather,
The only way I'd agree that puke is worse than poop is if my two-year-old twins still spit-up once a day and it was my job to try to teach them to do it in a little pretend potty.

Dear The Dad,
My husband and I are having our first child in November. For financial reasons, we will both be returning to work afterward, so we are in the process of looking for a nanny/babysitter. Do you have any suggestions of traits we should look for? Any questions we should ask during the interview?
Thanks, Randi

Dear Randi,
My neighbor once had an au pair who liked to hula hoop. I'd definitely recommend that as a trait to look for. It was awesome.

Dear The Dad (and The Mom),
Over the weekend, I attended the grand re-opening of Seattle Art Museum. In their African collection they had some carved wooden twins. The explanatory text accompanying the figures went something like this:
"It is believed that twins are able to bestow happiness, health and prosperity upon their family. However, since they can also bring about disaster, disease and death, they will be treated with all due respect, loving and care. Their upbringing is therefore far more permissive than that of other children."
(Which I just lifted from here.) Does that sound about right to you?
Not Erin

Dear Not Erin,
"Their upbringing is therefore far more permissive than that of other children"? That line is so much better than the one I've been using, which is, "Until I get some fucking help around here, these kids can do what they want." And that fucking help had best bring a hula hoop, thank you very much.

Dear The Dad,
I’m wondering how you handled (or handle) the issue of your twins not taking turns (ie: not sharing, or screaming bloody murder when one takes a toy from the other) yet in the same breath one laughs when the other smacks her on the head repeatedly?
Thanks, Shawn

Dear Shawn,
When I first read your letter, I thought it was you who laughed when one of your twins smacked the other one over the head. And for a brief moment, I thought the Internet had finally brought me a soulmate. At least this time I came to my senses quickly and it didn't cost me hundreds in pay-for-chat charges.

Dear Dad,
We are about to take a long car ride for a weekend of family fun? Any advice for keeping the kiddies quiet in the back seat?
Sincerely, Hopeful

Dear Hopeful,
Only $99 and fun for all ages. Let us know how the trip goes.

Got a question for The Dad? Email me.

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Comments

[Petunia]

Looked quickly at the link designed to keep the little darlings quiet on car trips, while remembering all the "trips of misery" from back in the day. My kids would have used this on the fancy French Poodle! But it might have kept them quiet back there.

[Amelia]

Godfather: Spit-up worse than poo? You might be in the thick of it now, but in eight years it won't be spit-up that you're spending a fortune on Spray N Wash to get out of your kids underwear.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

"It is believed that twins are able to bestow happiness, health and prosperity upon their family. However, ... they can also bring about disaster, disease and death,..."

This sounds a lot like those drug commercials that spend the first half telling you how it'll save your life, then the second half warning you that, technically technically, it could also kill you.

[The Whole Jackson]

Hula hooping au pair next door? Maybe the stay at home gig isn't as bad as I thought.

[Kate]

Don't worry Luther, I laugh when my twins hit each other in the head.

[Swamper]

Wanted: Fucking help. Must have hula hoop. No smokers/weirdos.

[sarcastic journalist]

Vomit comes once in a blue moon. (Spit up doesn't even count. Seriously.) Poop? I'm happy that we just finished potty training, but I can say that, for awhile, I felt like I was changing a 40-year-old man's diaper.

[Holly]

I also laugh when my twins hit each other on the head. In fact, Baby A administered some swift justice that I didn't have a chance to administer myself by thumping Baby B on the head. After doing something that Baby A himself just got thumped for. I had to turn away so they wouldn't see me laugh as the tears ran down my face!

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

Dude, I thought I was your Evil Parenting Soulmate! I laugh all the time when my twins slap each other, especially after a martini.

[Amber]

You are way better and smarter than Dear Abby.

[DebiD]

OH MY -- that last one darned near made me wet myself. Needles and lots of permanant dye. Yep, exactly what we need around here!

[Sue]

How long did you have that tattoo kit bookmarked before you found a way to work it into a post?

[The Dad]

Actually, it was the other way around, Sue. I had that question in my inbox for months before I found the tattoo kit. And I found the tattoo kit only after I finally gave up on someone marketing glass shards in a nice, portable, travel-sized container.

[loren]

'Sir' and 'Swamper': I am in awe of your wit. I'd love to see an ad like that in the paper by the way - I think I'd cut it out and keep it forever!

Rather than going the "no fucking help = no rules" technique, I go with the "choosing my battles" route, which basically comes down to: I don't choose any battles, therefore I can never get stressed about the girls being little a-holes. It sounds more PC that way.

[Renata]

How 'bout keeping the tots occupied on plane rides, the Dad? We've got one coming up, but I don't think they'll let us carry the tatoo kit on, what with the needles and all...