Ask The Dad

Dear The Dad:

Aside from a couple cool twin moms, I find it very difficult to get together with traditional stay-at-home mothers. I've thought a lot about how nice it would be to find a couple stay-at-home dads to hang with … but I am not the forward kind. In fact, I don't even know where to find these men in my part of the country, which I'll describe as being The Last Place on Earth You Want To Be. I'm not from here and, lately I've been experiencing socializing withdrawal. Where should I go to find these guys, and how do I approach a dad for a possible playgroup (for our children), kind of like your 3-Martini Playgroup? Oh, and I think my husband would be OK with this, but what about the wives? Help!

Greatexpectations

Dear GE,

First of all, let me apologize, as I feel your question is somewhat my fault. Here I am, spending nights and naps at my computer, making stay-at-home dads the world over look cool. Exposure to my  jocular anecdotes and near-rock-star charisma have, and not surprisingly so, I might add, given you dreams of finding your very own version of me in your area,  which I am sad to say unless you live in Northeastern New Jersey, is just simply not going to happen.

Then again, since you describe your area as "The Last Place on Earth You Want to Be," maybe you do live in Northeastern New Jersey, and in that case, you can find me at the park across the street from my house. Listen for the screams.

But in all honesty, I do have some serious reservations about the mixing of stay-at-home dads and stay-at-home moms. One morning last week, my girls and I were hunkered down at Jennifer's house, pounding coffee and ignoring the caterwaul of two sets of twins and one set of toys, when the inevitable happened: We finally ran out of things to talk about. This wasn't awfully surprising since the only things we really have in common are our twins and a willingness to disguise our attitudes toward them with alcohol, but still it was a heavy blow. Now, of course, men have long had an activity for those awkward moments when they realize every topic of conversation has been exhausted, but since I had my own genitalia surgically removed and dumped in a Staten Island landfill on that fateful day three years ago when I saw that second set of heartbeats on that ultrasound, sex was not an option, which left Jennifer to fill the gap in her time-honored woman's way: Talking about feelings.

It was frightening just how natural it came to her. I haven't been back since.

So, GE, while I absolutely understand your desire to find and befriend the stay-at-home dads in your area, I strongly recommend against it. It will only lead to heartbreak. But if you still choose to do so, most stay-at-home dads can be found cowering in their basements, surrounded by slightly bloodied head-shaped wall indentions, muttering curses under their breath and missing their genitalia, while all kinds of chaos reigns above. Listen for the screams.

Hope this helps,

The Dad

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Comments

[Petunia]

You need a long weekend in Point Pleasant! And thanks for using pics of N and A, the grandtwins. Good job, LD.

[Tammy]

Have you considered on-line shopping as another way of filling in the awkward silences? As long as you steer clear of eBay's genitalia section, The Mom needn't worry.

[Becky from SC]

Wait, Tammy, there's a genitalia section of eBay? Maybe that's where my husband's have been all this time. I've looked everywhere else.

[Swamper]

"near-rock-star charisma"? Is that why everyone is flocking to comment on this post? Heh heh.

[Amber]

Horrible and funny. you kill me!

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

I hate you. How's that for talking about feelings?!?!

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

And another thing: you are a poopie-head.

[The Mom]

It appears Mr. Poopie-head, that when I asked you if this post would bother Jennifer and you answered in the negative, you were a bit off.
You'd better be careful or she's going to "heal you with her hands."

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

Nice, The Mom. Now you're having a laugh at my expense, too? The Dad has corrupted you after all these years.

[The Dad]

You know, if it makes you feel better, Jennifer, nobody else liked my post either.

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

I liked your post just fine. I just don't like YOU. Ha!

[DebiD]

Greatexpectations, I'd offer to start a "cool SAHM playgroup" with you but I'm afraid I don't live anywhere near North Dakota.

As for those SAHDs, I think they're pretty much like other men in that they are all poopie-heads sometimes.

[mommy24x7]

O.k. I know this is irrelevant the deep "poopie-head" comments that are going on here, but I have to claim the cutie sharp-shooter in the cool orange shades on the masthead. Hello, the Dad? Can't you just see the resemblance now?

[The Mom]

Jennifer: I was in no way making fun of you (well, maybe just a little) but I was reminding The Dad that you could take him out (and I don't mean for a martini).

[Greatexpectations (GE)]

Hmm. Not at all the answer I expecting.

OK. Um, well, never mind then.

Though, "cowering in their basements, surrounded by slightly bloodied head-shaped wall indentions, muttering curses under their breath ..., while all kinds of chaos reigns above"

sounds kinda familiar.

[Greatexpectations (GE)]

"was" expecting. duh.

[Ella]

Hey The Dad! Check this video out, I think you'll like it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uISuvTiTYJA

Just realized this message sounds a little "hey, check out my webcam." This is "dad" related and safe for all eyes.

:0)

[Denguy]

Nice one. All my day-time friends are women and so far we haven't run out of things to say. When we do, I guess it's bow-chicka-bow-wow time.