I'm Two!

I am thinking of an object, but it is a secret. Bring it to me. Quickly. It will be the third thing you bring me, but it will not matter as I'll be incoherent by item number two.

Kindly do not suggest we go to the park before I suggest it myself. If you do, I will need to rub my face on the ground in anger.

Pick me up. No, not that way. Pick me up the other way. Nevermind. Try again when I stop screaming. Tomorrow.

May I wash my hands by myself? Very good. First I must let the water run for twenty minutes. Please do not disturb me for the duration or the time will start over from the beginning.

Television is the perfect compliment for any activity, don't you agree? I'm already filling my lungs in anticipation of your response.

Comments

[Kate]

Wait, did your twins write that or mine? I'm so confused.

[Amelia]

In our house it's: I can see the hall light under my door. That makes me scream.
And its compliment: I cannot see the hall light under my door. That makes me scream.

[Andi]

We have a serious case of "two-ness" at this house too. Are you sure my two year old twins didn't invade and write this?

[Vikki]

The handwashing thing is about to kill me.

[Jonathan's Mum]

Top 10 Toddler Rules of Possession

1. If I like it, it's mine.

2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.

5. If it's mine, it must NEVER appear to be yours in anyway.

6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it is mine.

8. If I saw it first, it's mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If it's broken, it's yours.

And …

If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed or smeared.
If it is high, it must be reached.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it has leaves, they must be picked.
If it is plugged, it must be unplugged.
If it is not trash, it must be thrown away.
If it is in the trash, it must be removed, inspected, and thrown on the floor.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it has drawers, they must be rifled.
If it is a pencil, it must write on the refrigerator, monitor, or table.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting full.
If it is a pile of dirt, it must be laid upon.
If it is stroller, it must under no circumstances be ridden in without protest. It must be pushed by me instead.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy's or Daddy's hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy or Daddy is in a hurry and wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it is paper, it must be torn.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If the volume is low, it must go high.
If it is toilet paper, it must be unrolled on the floor.
If it is a drawer, it must be pulled upon.
If it is a toothbrush, it must be inserted into my mouth.
If it has a faucet, it must be turned on at full force.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is a bug, it must be swallowed.
If it doesn't stay on my spoon, it must be dropped on the floor.
If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it IS food, it must not be tasted.
If it is dry, it must be made wet with drool, milk, or toilet water.
If it is a car seat, it must be protested with arched back.

If it is Mommy or Daddy, it must be hugged.

[Doodaddy]

Jonathan's mum hit it on the head:

"If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on."

Except, unfortunately, Boobaby uses the same word "off" for on OR off. VERY confusing... :)

[Jennifer]

And some people wonder why we have a cocktail every once in a while.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I'm going to form a band named Poop Brigade, the first album from which will be called "Loaf Pincher". The album cover? Your current banner.

[Kel]

My personal fav of the moment: the "by myseff" high chair strap snapping (somehow more irrating than the car seat "my myseff" seat belt clicking).

I'm nearly on the floor unable to breathe by the time they both get it finished.

[Rachel]

Wow. My youngest is three and it feels like she could have written this. :)

[Adrienne]

Sorry guys, but my youngest is 17, and I know he wrote this!

[Leah]

That's my baby boy in the header! OOh, I'm so excited. What a jolt of adrenaline! Thanks so much. You absolutely made my week.

Leah

[Emily]

Wait... you mean this is what I have to look forward to with my twins? Is it too late to give one away? Do you want one?

[loren]

I wonder what kind of response I'd get if the next time I was pissed I rubbed my face on the floor in anger.

I'm guessing Jonathan's Mum had that copied and waiting to paste it somewhere - definitely well thunked out! I'm thinking about printing it and posting it on our front door so people can sign it before entering: "Please check if you have read and understand the rules before entering a sanity-sucking home..."

[Dona]

Awwww, my sweet boy is featured today! How exciting. He's just like his daddy, who would give anything to drink beer from a big nipple.

[chocs]

Dona i knew that was yours! :D

[shawn]

Well, this is truly upsetting. I thought the worst was right now: 18 months. Now I'm seeing that it's only going to get worse in less than 6 months. You've got to be kidding? And I thought the first year was hard! lol

[Jennifer]

Not to worry, shawn. Two is tougher than 18 months, but nothing is even remotely as bad as the first 3 months. So far...

[BBM]

Hmm, the first 3 months were not that bad. If two is better than that, then we're all good. Wait . . . wait . . . I think I just had a flash of a repressed memory. Aaaaaaaahhhhhh! Anybody want an 18-month old?

[Diane]

Ah, yes, the "I'm two" stage, which my sister called the "I'M TWO!!!!" stage because my nephew did EVERYTHING at volume 11, warp-speed 42, etc. Suggestion, straight from her own successful experience: Counter a "I'm two" fit (screaming, crying, flailing, etc.) with your own version. Seriously, it worked wonders. Stephen was SO shocked to see my sister fling herself onto the ground and yell and pound her hands and feet that he forgot all about reminding the world of his age.

[The Dad]

Diane, If you think my girls would be shocked to see me fling myself on the ground and yell then you do not have a very clear picture of how my days usually go.

[Beverly]

How true how true.

beverly

[Holly]

The only thing missing from this list is:

Don't suggest that I go potty until I tell you I have to. It may be after the fact, and it may by three minutes after I just told you that I didn't have to go. But don't suggest it, or I may throw myself on the floor and writhe with agony at the mere suggestion of taking a trip down the hall to sit on the potty.

[Polly]

I'm loving this comment stream, and not just because, for one day, my girlie is at the top of it in the header bar (oops! did I let that slip?).

(a) I will copy down all of these comments, plus the post that inspired them, and read them aloud, slowly, to my daughter in front of her prom date. Just because. and

(b) I found the toddler motto some months ago on a bumper sticker, and posted it at lesbiandad.net/2007/05/02/the-toddler-motto.

[loren]

what a neat picture, polly!