Scarier Than Twins

I need a handler. I need someone to punch me in the arm when I'm about to write posts like my last one. Luckily I have one.

"You wrote that the tension in this house was almost corporeal?" my wife exclaimed yesterday morning when she read my post. "It had nothing to do with Kathryn's epilepsy, you were watching Game Four of the friggin' World Series, for Chrissakes. Apologize to those people. And then put your stupid thesaurus back on the shelf. Corporeal, indeed. Dumbass."

My handler needs a handler.

She's right, of course. The post was supposed to be a lighthearted look on how there are some scary books out there and if you read some of them, you might never leave your house again. But somewhere along the way as I was writing it, I believe it was at the top of the seventh inning, I started buying into the fear myself. And then the whole tone of the post changed and it went where it shouldn't have. And I am sorry.

Epilepsy is certainly not the first thing I think of when I think of Kathryn. No, epilepsy is a far distant seventh, behind number six, wondering if she's colorblind, a fear that strikes me right after number five, amazement at the clothing combinations she can find within her closet, and number five and a half, fear that those combinations might very well induce seizures in everybody but her.

But still, these books, these scary books that I'm reading still fill me with fear and anger. Not because their worst-case scenarios are affecting me or my family personally, but that they affect anybody anywhere. I shake my fist at my imaginary maker not because of what is happening to my own child but because brain disorders happen at all. Any reasonable person would agree that disorders of the brain, like the McRib sandwich, should simply not be on the menu of choices to begin with.

Kathryn, of course, continues to be fine. The neurologist had a box full of answers and encouragement for me and a box full of really crappy stickers for Kathryn. But she did ask Kathryn to hop on one foot for thirty seconds, which almost instantly made her the COOLEST. DOCTOR. EVER. The only friction we encountered was over the medicine. The doctor was concerned over the level of drowsiness that Kathryn has been exhibiting, and of course, I tried to minimize that aspect because as I've written before, its awesome. But there Kathryn was, yawning big ol' yawns right in front of her new doctor and even once curling up on the examination table which could not have been any more startling to me than if she had sprouted a second head that spoke in a British accent and called everybody Chip, but there she was doing it and the doctor talked about changing her medication if her sleepiness continued. So for Kathryn's next visit we're stopping off at a Starbucks beforehand because no way will I have the silver lining stripped from my seven-year-old's dark cloud.

And so life continues here. Halloween is tomorrow and Halloween is, of course, Kathryn's favorite holiday. We haven't prepared like we normally do, most of our decorations have already been packed away for next month's move, but we are still very much caught up in the spirit of the holiday. Kathryn will be a witch, but that was not her original choice. A few months ago, back when only the most dedicated were even thinking about October, Kathryn asked me if we could find the same set of clothes that would fit both her and her twin sisters. I asked her why and she said it was for a Halloween costume.

"It's the only thing I can think of scarier than twins," she said. "Triplets."

Comments

[Polly]

Okay, so it's not all corporeal;
Hell, the tension ain't even arboreal.
It's the Sox up to bat
Got you riled and all that;
It's a good thing your handler's tutorial.

[Polly]

Okay, sorry. I know. I'll try to show some more restraint. The comments are about bucking up your spirits, not subjecting you to Bad Poetry. Which would buck them down.

Thanks for pulling up out of the nose dive and cheering everyone else up. Bless Kathryn's sense of humor. And yours.

[Toni]

If you find your way to 78 Midland in Montclair (Claremont/Walnut) on Halloween, we have a Haunted Driveway that is just scary enough for seasoned kids like yours. Plus wine for adults!

[Shiri]

I have a weird sense of deja-vu but I still gotta say it: dude, your kid is HILARIOUS.

[Kori]

Wow, that Kathryn really knows her horror. Triplets would indeed strike fear into my heart.
Still laughing about the starbucks though. That is too funny!

[Laura]

my cousin has triplets. they're now 13. but i bet he's got some interesting stories. But wait! They also have a 4th child that's a single. Yes after having three at one time, going from zero to full family they decided to have a 4th. She doesn't get as much attention as the triplets but at least she has a name. The triplets are, just the triplets. And yes Kathryn... they are scary sometimes.

[Nicole]

I think a highly developed sense of the dramatic can only be a good thing.

(said the woman who gave birth to the biggest Drama King ever to hit 4-year-olds, which is logical since he is the son of the woman whose own mother spent large swathes of her childhood calling her "Sarah Heartburn")

[Tricia]

To think, I almost looked up "corporeal" after reading your last post.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Not only does she know her Greek mythology, she also appears to be acutely aware of the potential pitfalls involved in baby-making. I don't think there's anything wrong with her brain, you big fibber. Liar liar pants on fire! PANTS! ON! FIRE!

[Diane]

That Kathryn is a RIOT. Take her on the road, dude, she'd slay 'em in Vegas.

[the neighbor who is too chatty to keep lurking]

My daughter's "artistic" fashion sense is also truly horrifying. The whole school now watches to see what she will be wearing in the morning. Plus she seems to have a permanent case of plumber butt. However, at 6, she is starting to come up with some actually cool outfits every once in a while from her drawers full of Target' Here's to hoping she and Kathryn continue to evolve. And yes, Miss K, triplets are completely terrifying!

[Amy the Mom]

I used to have a neighbor who gave birth to triplets...after she already had 4 FREAKING KIDS!!!! It was a second marriage, and I think she felt obligated to squeeze out one more kid for her husband who previously had none. She was NEVER right after that, and the marriage ended in divorce when the triplets were in first grade. Poor thing.

[loren]

Okay, you know why I found that cute!

Maybe I could dress Mikey up like the girls and I could have quad bumblebees. It would be funny except he really is maturing at the same rate as them already.

Have a good pumpkin day!!! (Candycandycandy...)

[Erika]

Have I ever mentioned that I have a friend with 5 year old twins and 2 year triplets. Yep, when she was pregers she prayed just please don't let me have twins again. And so she didn't.

[sasha]

Triplets and McRib both scare me.

Glad you're not feeling as bad as I thought. Shall I withdraw my offer of hypothetical prayer to our imagined maker?

[Katherine]

Kathryn is the funniest kid EVER! And, I think mine are really really funny - but dude - triplets - she's practically The Mom!

[Chickenpig]

Triplets?! YIKES! That is terrifying :)

Didn't you learn your lesson after you got pregnant with twins? Don't take the *beeping* gloom and doom books seriously. You will scare yourself to death! Every page was another horror story of what would happen to me, what would happen to them...on and on and on. Whatever you do, don't look up epilepsy on the internet, for the love of god or whatever.

[Tammy]

Your McRib assessment is absolutely correct.

[Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer]

Loren, you have quads? I can't breathe....

[D]

I hate it when I'm somewhere whining about HOW HARD it is to have twins and then there's this totally relaxed attractive and well dressed woman saying "yeah, I know, my triplets often make me wish I had twins" and when asked she says her triplets are like six month older than my twins, sleep through the night, have no developmental issues, etc., etc...

Really really scary.

[witchypoo]

That post had me laughing out loud! Phew. Thanks, I needed that.
Btw, the hopping on one foot is to determine if there is serious brain damage.
My child had seizures early on, and never was able to hop on one foot.

[Angela]

"Triplets" a word that strikes fear into any parent's heart. So glad the visit to the doctor went well.

[loren]

Jennifer - thank you for giving me the opportunity to say something I've never said before and probably won't say again: No, I only have triplets! :D LMAO

With the immature husband, it could be Irish quads, maybe, kinda sorta?

[Polly]

Okay team, I just read that our LD is up for a "Best Parenting Blog" in the 2007 Weblog Awards. Lord knows it's a wacky wacky ride, but I still says "Start your engines!" This man deserves some more excitement in his life!

[Jody]

Any big sister of twins knows whereof she speaks.

At this stage, though, I would trade "terrifying" for "exhausting." Maybe that's just me....