38 Degrees and Full of Beer

I have very little left to live for. When I was in my mid-twenties, I put together a list of the things I'd like to do before I died and now, with the new house, the last item can finally be scratched off the list: Own a beer fridge. Down in the basement of this old, drafty home, is an old, drafty fridge that is now stocked, from top to bottom, with bottles of beer. The fact that I spent both time and money doing this may very well collapse what remains of the hollow shell of my marriage, but c'mon, it's a full-sized beer fridge. Full-sized. With beer.

The fridge itself is a bit of a mystery. It was not included in the list of appliances we were to receive with the house, nor is it actually necessary since no room of this house can actually be heated over 40 degrees Fahrenheit to begin with. The old, plaster walls are all freezing to the touch and there are three windows, including one in the master bedroom, with gaps in the panes so large that two people, one inside and one out, could engage in any number of fairly traditional sexual acts with no difficulty whatsoever. Through the one in the living room you could have a threesome.

The old furnace in the basement is no help at all, preferring to spend its time and energy making noise rather than heating. It clamors on and off several times each night, shaking the house with useless clanking, like the ghost of some very, very cold Christmas past.

"Take heed, rise and walk with me."

"Through the window?"

"Are you afraid?"

"But I am a mortal, and liable to fall."

"Then let's go through the one in the living room."

Prior to purchasing this house, our inspector gave us a list of the items we needed to address. Third on the list, between "Front room is attached to main house by a single 2x4 and a dream" and "House is located in New Jersey" was "Master bedroom has no source of heat." We investigated and found the radiator that used to heat the master bedroom was now in the garage, supporting a wall that would apparently come down otherwise. At the time, I justified the lack of heat in the bedroom by assuming that this room must have gotten too hot in the winter and the removal of the heater was to establish a balance with the rest of the house. Now I realize it was because the previous occupants were yeti.

Still, and I type this with mittened fingers, I am happy to be here. For one thing, the house has obscenely beautiful hardwood floors throughout.

And since we haven't any area rugs yet, I now have a use for all those mismatched socks in the twins' sock drawer.

But really it's about the beer fridge. How many people, at the ridiculously young age of 38, can say they've finally completed the list of accomplishments they wrote for themselves way back in their twenties?

Of course, some items on the list were scratched off as technicalities, because I doubt when I wrote "Sleep with blond twins" I had meant for either one of them to be two years old, or for either one of them to have the stomach flu, or for me to be holding a trashcan at the ready.

Still, toddler puke does clean up mightily easy off hardwood floors. Especially when it's frozen.

Comments

[Kate]

First, those floors are gorgeous, and as I work in a flooring store, I know how much of a fortune they cost.

Second, if there are going to be any threesomes through your living room window, I just want to be able to film that.

Third, When I was 24 I already had a full size fridge just for beer. I lost it in the divorce, however. :(

[Catizhere]

That is a gorgeous floor.

[John]

AHHHH, the beer fridge. I have one myself. It is a thing of beauty. We got a free fridge when my practice replaced their refrigerator because it wasn't able to keep the temperature stable enough. Is it weird that a fridge that was once full of children's vaccines now keeps my Sams perfectly chilled? My temperature requirements are not as strict as the Dept. of Publis Health's.

[Dan]

Damn, i need to add beer fridge to my list.

At least I now have a reason to go on living.

Your beer fridge sounds awesome, but...the best beer fridge I've ever seen was at a house rented by several friends who just happened to be members of the same fraternity. But... it had a spigot on the outside of it so that you could refrigerate your keg and not have to open the fridge door to get your tasty beverage.

Oh... hope you realized when you typed that post that now your site will come up for searches containing the phrases "fairly traditional sexual acts" and "threesome".

[Tammy from Twinstuff]

Love the hardwood floors!!! Good use of recycling those socks, too. I can't believe you didn't have a beer fridge before now. We got ours when we upgraded to a new SBS fridge when we bought the house. It's for mama cokes (diet coke) and daddy cokes (beer). We've trained our 5 year old to go out to the garage and get them for us.

[Mauigirl]

Gorgeous floors! They are very similar to ours. It took us 13 years of living here before we got around to refinishing them though! We too had the old clanking furnace (oil? Ours was) and had to replace that after two years since its main purpose was to spew out back soot onto the white woodwork.

I was laughing so hard when I read this, especially about your wish to sleep with blonde twins. And I'm proud to say we too have a beer fridge in the basement - courtesy of a friend of mine who was trying to get rid of their old one.

[Amber]

i hope the mom soon pipes up and yells at you once again for exaggerating. is that bad?

and the floors are beautiful. at least you have that. oh and the beer frig. you go boy.

[Tammy]

Frozen vomit + hardwood floors + beer = excellent. Hockey, anyone?

[Colleen]

need anymore random socks, er floor protectors?

[Victoria]

I can not even begin to tell you how much I love the sock footed chair leg photo.

So much.

[Sue]

Admit it! You bought a house entirely for the blogging material. Why else would you buy a house in New Jersey? And a fixer-upper to boot.

[Kat]

MMMmmm, frozen toddler puke. I had some chilled this evening. Not quite down to freezing in CA. But I feel you.

[Taylor]

Wow...those really are BEAUTIFUL floors.

(And the socks made me choke on my coffee. Well done)

[jeanne]

hey, long time lurker, first time commenter here. just wanted to say that I bought the same house in dutchess county. the first winter we slept here with hooded sweatshirts tied around our noses. sooo coooold.... I won't mention your heating bill. you have enough to deal with and it may cause the consumption of the entire contents of your beer fridge.

[3-Martini Jennifer]

Call me when you're ready to get that new furnace. We have a great plumber who replaced our broken one while I was preggers with my twins ... and two weeks before Christmas. Nothing like spending $4K right before the Holidays when you're expecting two babies!

[Loth]

Thank you for that. You achieved what I thought was impossible amd made me laugh at Dickens. Sort of.

[Michell]

The beer fridge was left in the basement because no one wanted to try and get it out. From what I've seen of older houses it may even be a mystery as how it got there in the first place, what with narrow stair wells and such. I also remember the cold walls etc from my days/nights with my ex. He couldn't figure out why I went to bed with so many clothes on. Duh, because I sleep next to the wall. The floors are fantastic though and those alone would have sold me on the house regardless of the windows which sound rather amusing.

[Carmi]

By ingesting a portion of the contents of the beer fridge, it's entirely possible that the ensuing pickling of the cerebral cortex will render the temperature issue moot, since you won't be in any state to care.

You've reminded me of our experience this time last year when our furnace died and they couldn't order the part for over a week. I spent hours every day tracking the weather to ensure the temp didn't drop below zero. Good times!

No one puked then. I won't be as lucky next time, I fear.

[Tricia]

Wow! I never would have expected such pretty floors in NJ! Good luck with the heat. We lived in a house that had a wind chill factor in the winter for three years, but finally moved because it was way too cold, also too old, also in a bad neighborhood. But, it was pretty.

[Heidi]

Whaaah - I want a beer fridge too! Or at least a fridge big enough to hold a pizza box and a six pack at the same time. The floors are really pretty. My empathy re the windows - we have the same deal here.

[Bennie]

God, I'm jealous! I've always wanted a beer fridge. Women folk just don't understand.

I also had to show my wife the "sock picture." Great laughs, friend!

[How About Two?]

What style of fridge? I've always wanted a big, single door '50s refrigerator (icebox in my house) to turn into a kegerator.

That, frozen puke and the floors? Wow, I am jealous.

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

Aahhh, the beer fridge. Otherwise known as 'the secret to getting whatever you want.' When I desperately wanted to remodel our kitchen, I was given the green light milliseconds after saying, "You can move the old fridge down to the garage and use it for beer." I have never seen a man so eager to go new appliance shopping in my life. Sadly for my sucker husband, his beer fridge died just months after its inception. It's just as well, I'll probably want something else before long and can use the promise of a new beer fridge as the carrot.

[Jaci]

Funny thing, we got a beer fridge as a wedding gift....from HIS friends.

By the way, your house must have been built by the same person who built our house (evidently, they must have been hitting their own beer fridge pretty hard).