Ask The Dad

Dear The Dad,

I have nearly-three-year-old twins, and am growing frustrated with the comment, “Oh, it must be so great to have twins, since they play together!”  It is great that my daughters love one another, and yes, they do play together, but no, that does not mean that having two children is way easier than having one (which is often implied or actually said directly).  I often launch into a rather long-winded explanation about how, no, two is not easier than one, but find my explanations usually only convince people that I’m a big whiner.  Any suggestions on pithy responses, or am I doomed to smile and nod?

Look them in the eye and say, "Well, it's not like the second one is a fucking Au Pair."

The "play together" comment is a frequent one, and, as someone who had a single child for about four years before my twins came, I can totally understand it. Imagine this: A singleton parent is in the kitchen, cooking dinner. The singleton child wants attention, so the child spends the entire time trying to climb the parent's leg, making a sound reminiscent of a bagpipe being shoved down a cat's throat. Sound familiar? Of course it does. But then one day, right around dinner-cooking time, the singleton child has a playdate, and all of the sudden, viola! the child and her friend are off in another room, playing happily, and for the first time that the parent can remember, cooking dinner does not necessitate a bottle of wine and half an Oxycodone. That is the image that singleton parents have when they tell you how great twins must be.

Of course, what they don't realize is that for us, that magical second child, the one that is supposed to steal our child's interest away from us, is still our child. For our twins, this is not a playdate, they are not happy to be there, and they are not excited about all the toys they see, and therefore, the second child spends all of our cooking time clamoring for our attention just like the first one does, but even more so, because now it's a competition.

But now I, too, sound like a big whiner. Oh well, maybe a smile and a nod are the best way to go. But make sure you add, "Oh yes! And their poop smells like sunshine!"

Dear the Dad,

I am a stay at home mom with year-old twins.  This is the most fun, easiest job I have ever had and the idea of returning to a cubicle when they go to kindergarten already fills me with dread.  What steps can I take now (and don't even think about suggesting that I have another baby) to find some kind of money making opportunity so I don't have to go back to cubicle hell.

You could always try drawing robots on the Internet. There's got to be good money in that. But if that doesn't pan out, might I suggest removing the spam filter off your email. Lots of delightful job offers to be had there.

Dear The Dad,

Yesterday, I called the Poison Control Hotline number when my son tried to eat a drinking bird because I had no idea what the red liquid contains other than crazy amounts of permanent dye.  Turns out that it's non-toxic; it's just the broken glass he chewed that we have to worry about now.  Trent is 21 months old. So, I'm wondering when you first called Poison Control and what the kid had eaten when you did?

Oh, my. Chewing broken glass can't be good. I hope everything turned out okay. Believe it or not, I've never called poison control for something my kids ate. Once, however, my wife brought home from a spa party (spa party?) a goodie bag full of homemade, cookie-sized fizzing bath cakes which I, not my children, saw fit to snack on the next day. I didn't call poison control, but I did call my wife at work, spewing out both obscenities and aromatic foam all over the phone.

Got a question for The Dad? Email me.

Email The Dad

Comments

[stefan]

Hi - can we contact you by email? We are diyfather.com and have a few questions.

Thanks - Stefan

[Chickenpig]

I don't see how parents of one child can really believe that having two of the same age is easier. They are the same ppl who a couple of years ago were saying "I don't know how you do it." and "One newborn is enough for me." and now that they are 2 year olds it's supposedly easier? When my boys are playing nice and quietly in another room they are actually conspiring to wreck havoc, and when they aren't, they are trying to kill each other. Both situations require immediate parental intervention. There was more sanity in this house when we had two babies. The 2 year old stage is killing me.

[Marge]

Thank you for making me laugh on a Monday morning. Between the au pair comment and the fizzy bath cakes you got my day off to a much better start than the usual Monday.

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

The second one HAS to made up. There is simply no way a mom of twin one-year olds would think parenting is the easiest job she's ever had. Unless, of course, she found your stash of wine and Oxycodone.

[The Mom]

I am going to have fits of giggles all day remembering the day The Dad ate the fizzy bath cake. Gentle Reader, he really did eat the whole thing!
Of course, I thought that the first time we called poison control was in 1988 when I gave him 1/4 of a huge bottle of vodka to drink. That evening also included rides in campus police cars and other such silliness.

[SusanR]

I'm totally laughing about the two are easier than one thing. When I am making dinner that just means I have two kiddos hanging on my legs yelling "up, up, UP!" instead of one.

[The Mom]

SusanR--What is it with the "up, up, UP!"? I didn't realize that other kids did that. Otherwise they speak in complete sentences and use "please" and "thank you," but when wanting to be held (24/7)they can't say more than that! If anything drives The Dad over the edge, it may well be the repetition of that teeny word.
BTW: He's painting right now and can't come to the computer.

[DebiD]

My answer to the playing together remark: "Oh yes, they play GREAT together. When shall I bring them to your house to demonstrate?"

Mmmmmmm... fizzy bath cake... makes my mouth bubble just thinking about it!

[DebiD]

Oh, and we're big into "UP, UP, UP" and "See, Mama! Seeeeeeee!" I also know that two 2-year olds can remove your pants while you're stirring a pot. Try that one at your next dinner party!

[Nicole]

That second letter-writer had to be a troll. I've never met anyone who has called stay-at-home-parenting an easy job, let alone "the easiest". I think the LW was just trying to push our buttons.

Obviously worked for me.

[Andrea]

Hey, where can I get kids that hang on my pants legs while I cook dinner? Mine climb up on the counters, grab the sharp knives and jagged-edged tomato cans and turn on the burners and claw each others' faces off trying to get to the prime "help cook" position.

I'd also like answers for: "I had two kids one year apart, which is almost just like having twins," and "At least they're all (three) boys. Boys are so much easier than girls," and "Are you going to go for a girl now?" and "I always wanted to have twins."

[Mort's Mom]

Happy New Year
I am one of 4 sisters. Living with 5 women, my Dad never ate bath cakes but he did brush his teeth with Veet the leg hair removing goop.
So much pleasure to come Mr The Dad

[Heidi]

As a toddler, Sarah was on a first name basis with poison control. She has ingested to date, sun stick, vitamins, steroid cream, and of course, the obligatory mouthful of poopy sandbox. I have also mobilized the entire Glen Ridge force because Sarah "disappeared." Thank god she was sleeping quietly on the couch. It never occurred to me that she could be in the house and not be making noise!

[Beth]

You left out the part where the twins have screaming meltdowns over who gets to wear the Best Clothing Item in the Whole World, and the loser is unmercifully subjected to wearing the reprehensible Something Else.

[Debbie3]

As the momma of soon-to-be three year-old (they hope) twin girls, I've never gotten the play together comment. I usually get "better you than me" or "double trouble".

LOL that last one cracked me up. I haven't had to call poison control either (knock on wood). But my youngest likes to eat those styrofoam peanuts. Don't worry I usually find them before he swallows.

[kyra]

my god, you crack me up! i have to come over here more often. that's it! that's my resolution! daily looky daddy!

[Colleen]

I am still laughing over "Look them in the eye and say, 'Well, it's not like the second one is a fucking Au Pair.'"

[Twin's Mom]

LOL all the way down the page. NOTHING anyone could have said to me could have prepared me for this!!! I am the frazzled, hysterical mother of 15 month old twins. Can they possibly be entering the Terrible Two's early? Last month I found them in the fireplace eating soot.