I Almost Loved New Jersey

Boilers explode. Boilers explode and red-shirted Star Trek extras die. These things I know from watching TV.

Television has never shown a boiler on-screen that did not explode before the episode was up, not even on HBO, and so, ever since I moved to the Northeast, I've been living with the certainty that my boiler was always just an hour away from taking out my whole family. Forty-five minutes if I TiVOed through the commercials. But, it turns out, boilers don't explode. They simply stop.

Now on the outside, there is no noticeable difference between a working boiler and a dead one. They are both an old, scary mass of pipes, gauges, and vents. In fact, the only difference I can tell is that when you are looking at the former, you are probably not wearing seven heavy coats and a bathrobe like I am now.

Yesterday, New Jersey and I had a bit of a love affair. I spent the afternoon driving some old friends up to New York State on their quest to buy an old '66 Mustang they had found on Ebay. The day was cold and as we left the sprawling suburbia that surrounds Manhattan, we found ourselves bobbing over snow-covered hills and curving through rural towns and farmland. Kathryn was at Camilo's house and the twins were sleeping in the back of the van, and by sleeping I mean jabbering incessantly. Still, despite the jabber, it was a great drive, the kind that could get even a guy like me to write a few nice words on the Internet about New Jersey.

And then our boiler broke. And all those nice words were driven from my mind, replaced instead by an argument with my wife over how often we should wake up through the night to make sure our children had not frozen to death. She wanted to set the alarm for every two hours and I wanted it set for every three. Sure the temperature in this old, drafty house could drop significantly in three hours, I conceded, but I didn't think we'd lose all the children in such a short time, just the weak and sick ones. That's nature's way. She eventually won and the rest of the night she and I took turns waking and piling blankets onto our children to keep the icy claws of death at bay.

Now this morning, a repairman is down in the furnace room, tinkering away at the scary mass of pipes, bringing it back to life, and I am up here, all but choking on the fear that he's about to run upstairs and yell GET OUT! GET OUT! IT'S GOING TO BLOW! It doesn't help that he's wearing a red shirt.

Comments

[The Dad]

Photo stolen from Star Trek Inspirational Posters. Well worth a look.

[R]

those posters are made of pure awesome. Thanks for the link!

I'm sorry NJ is jerking you around like that...so uncool. I hope repairs are completed without the loss of anyone expendable (or un-expendable).

[BrooklynGirl]

I'm not sure you can blame New Jersey for the boiler.

We have furnace issues in our drafty old apartment building right here in NYC.

[Erika]

You should definitely offer him another shirt to wear, that way it won't be soo scary.

[Nicole]

Let's see...The Dad in the basement asking the boiler repairman to disrobe. That might not end well.

[Tammy]

At least he's wearing the red shirt and not you.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

Oh, gracious me. Fixer-uppers sure are swell. Even sweller when you don't have children prone to freezing to death and a wife that doesn't understand the positive economic and Darwinian aspects of the sudden onset of 'Fewer Children Syndrome'.

[The Dad]

Yeah, I'm with Nicole. Telling the guy to take off his shirt in the basement would not be good. Especially with me and my crocs.

(I know you thought I'd stop wearing them after all the ridicule, but it's like I'm walking on clouds! Flowery, baby-blue clouds!)

It's always good to have an electric space heater or two around for backup. ::ducks to miss darts shooting from The Dad's eyes::

[Erika]

Does all this mean I'm NOT getting my streaming video of you asking the guy to disrobe?
*wanders aways soooo disappointed.

[heidi]

Poor the dad! You've just had a PARADE of he-men in your basement lately, checking out your cloggies!
Also, thanks for the Star Trek link. I'm embarassed to say i've never seen the tv show in color!

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

I'm pretty sure that this makes it official that it's a good thing you weren't the one jackhammering the basement. If you had been, then somehow, someway, the boiler dying would be your fault.

[Anne Prince]

So how come the entire lookydaddy family didn't sleep in the same bed, snug as a bug in a rug thereby avoiding the every 2 or 3 hour wake up call?

We had a very lookydaddy weekend ourselves - hubby has been home sick since Tuesday - he managed to pass his germs of death to me Thursday night and Saturday our main water pipe clogged up and my I'll still sick but a little bit better husband spend the afternoon cleaning out muck and all sorts of nasty stuff - fortunately he was able to fix it and then spent a good long while using the wet vac.

Fun times.

[The Dad]

Good lord, Anne, you win.

[Mauigirl52]

So sorry you are having these disasters. But I was going to ask the same thing Anne did - why didn't you just sleep all together in a heap? I think you need a few dogs at least. We sleep with our dog (TMI?) and she keeps us very warm!

[The Dad]

Everyone together in a heap? All five of us? That's ten individual legs. Add the cats and we've got eighteen, all aimed, at one point or another, right at my groin. I'd rather freeze.

[Nicole]

Oh, The Dad, now you're just denying yourself future blogging material. Succumb to the family bed. Succumb, I say! Dr. Sears will fix your groin later, no charge. At least I think that's what his site says:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T071000.asp

Or you could just ask that nice boiler repairman back.

[The culprit]

Don't mean to scare you, but boilers can and do explode.You're lucky it just quit and even luckier you weren't wearing a red shirt when it did.

Boiler explosion rocks church

[thewomanundone]

Boiler???? What the hell is a boiler??? Nanny, Nanny Boo Boo I live in Florida!!

AND, to make matters even worse, I wore flip flops today!!!!

[Anne Prince]

Oh no LookyDaddy, I bow down to the master of the "can you top this disaster?".

Thewomandone - I live about 8 blocks from LD - it's cold - BITE ME!!!! Flip flop this!! ;-)

(Isn't it Nanny, Nanny, Hoo, Hoo? Maybe Boo Boo is a southern thang?)

[Chickenpig]

NJ is just too far South, apparently. If you lived a little farther North you would probably have a fireplace/woodstove back up option for heat going out due to electrical or plumbing issues. Of course, then you have to bundle up everyone and find them a place to sleep in the room that has the fireplace, and keep it going.

The family bed sounds scary. My dogs smell, and they kick in their sleep :) My husband would have to wear a cup.

[3-Martini Jennifer]

I'd invite you over to stay warm in our cozy house with a brand-new boiler (installed while I was gestating my darling twins - thank goodness pregnancy makes you very warm); however, to set foot in our house would mean running the risk of catching the stomach flu AND pink eye. Yippee! Winter with kids is FUN!

[sezhoo]

Dude! You totally missed the chance to say, "SHE's going to blow!" or "She just can't take anymore, Cap'n. We're at full capacity!" in your best Scotty (ahem) accent.

[Petunia]

Went to school in NJ myself. Every kid spent every winter praying that the school's boiler would blow and school would be shut down FOREVER, or so we thought. Except none ever blew up.

[Diane]

Sezhoo's got a good point, The Dad, about missed dialogue opportunities. But an even better line you missed out on using, with your best Bones imitation: "It's worse than that, he's dead, Jim."