Ask The Dad: The Oh-Yes-I-Did! Edition

Dear The Dad,

I have forgotten that I like my wife. No, that's not true. I have forgotten why I like my wife. I mean, I know that I like her, but if you pressed me for a reason, the best I could come up with is that I like her mainly because she comes home most days.

I'm sure it wasn't always this way. I can't imagine ten years ago I asked her to marry me because I thought she'd be reasonably punctual most evenings.

Sometime early in our relationship I may have documented, either in a list or some kind of running narrative, a few of the reasons why I liked my wife at the time, but as I've been unpacking boxes in our new house, I haven't found such a thing anywhere. Do you know where I might have put it?

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

Try looking for it here:

Hope this helps,

The Dad

Dear The Dad,

The other day, my wife told me her job was changing. She told me the new title and the duties it carried, and then asked what I thought about the change. I stood there at the sink, a dirty dish in my hand, and told her that it sounded like a big responsibility. But really, of course, I had no idea what she was talking about. For me to comment on the change, I would first need to know what she does now. And for me to know what she does now, we would need to talk.

We don't talk. For all I know, my wife works as a hostess serving drinks at a 24-hour Go-Go bar in Newark.

Surely I once knew more about this woman. At the very least, when I told my parents that I planned to marry her, I must have had some kind of information about her, something I could tell my parents about. You know, something besides her name, where she sleeps, what train she takes, and how she looks when she's tired.

I'd like to start talking to my wife again, but I'm not sure how. Do you have any pointers?

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

Try this. Tomorrow get on a plane with her and spend the next ten days here:

Leave the kids with your parents. Do not take your cell phone. Do not take your laptop. I cannot guarantee that you will have any conversations with your wife over those ten days, but if nothing else, the sound of the waves will make the silence seem less awkward.

Hope this helps,

The Dad

Dear The Dad,

My wife was in grad school when we got married. I was a social worker being paid just slightly more per month than the indigent people I was supposedly helping. We thought we were busy. We didn't take a honeymoon, promising ourselves that we would take one as soon as we could. It has been ten years.

If being busy could be measured in shit, ten years ago we had some bird crap on our shoulders. Now we live under a turd the size and shape of Tennessee. When will we ever go on our honeymoon?

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

Go. Now. Hand your parents the kids and a 12-disc boxed-set of Dora the Explorer and go. Go while your kids are young. It's one thing to leave three little kids in the care of people in their sixties. It's a whole different matter to leave three teenagers in the care of people in their seventies. Right now, if you come home and the house is covered in puke, it's because someone is sick. In ten years, it will be because your kids tried to mix your tequila with Grandpa's oxycodone.

Hope this helps,

The Dad

Dear The Dad,

But I'm poor. I'm impossibly poor. I can hardly afford a trip to the grocery store, much less a trip here:

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

Yes, you are poor. Just like you were busy in grad school. You will never be less poor. Never. Shut up and go, already.

Hope this helps,

The Dad

Dear The Dad,

Just one more thing. The Internet will hate me if I go here:

I mean, look at it. I'd hate anyone going there.

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

Possibly, but remember: Most of the correspondence you get from the Internet usually includes the words "I'm glad I'm not you," or, at the very least, "I'm glad I'm not married to you." For over a year now, your presence on the Internet has given countless others the opportunity to feel good about themselves. They will forgive you this one time.

Now stop writing and pack. Your flight leaves 6:30 AM tomorrow morning.

Hope this helps,

The Dad

photo by yogi

Comments

[sara]

Go. Go. Go.

Have fun. Hang with your wife. Enjoy the kid-free time.

Oh & when you return-- would you mind sending an email suggestion to my wonderful husband about booking a similiar trip to a similiar island AND arranging the childcare while we are gone? Appreciate it.

[Alexis]

Have a FANTASTIC time!! For the same reasons we never took a honeymoon. We said we would go "later" and now 6 1/2 years and 3 kids(that no one in their right mind would watch) later, we still wonder about going. Maybe next year...

[Anita]

Hmmm... I guess this means we won't be hearing from you for a few days. How ever will we feel good about ourselves without your life for comparison?

But, fine, go. Go have fun. Don't mind us...

[Erika]

You go the dad and rock that little island like it's 1999.

[You can call me, 'Sir']

You've relegated me to a life of celibacy through your written word. I won't forgive you that one.

Have fun, though!

[Joy]

I should be annoyed that you're going away and depriving me of my favorite amusement only a month after your "no blogging in February" stunt, but after reading this post I have to say OMG you need this vacation.

Besides which, you're right, we only read your blog to remind ourselves that life could be much, much worse. Don't worry about us -- our depressing little lives will survive the 10 days.

I do feel bad for your parents, though, and a little worried. I hope neither one of them has a heart condition or anything.

[John Arnold]

For god sake quit apologizing and go! You deserve it. I hope you both have a wonderful time.

[Sue]

Happy Anniversary and have fun, you kids!

When my boys were toddlers, I made a video tape containing eight hours of Wiggles episodes. I'd pop in that tape just as my parents were arriving to babysit.

[KK]

Ohhhh...But the stories you'll have to tell us when you return!!! Best wishes for a barely legal time. I'm so jealous. I'm still waiting for our honeymoon. 13+ years & counting...

[Angela]

Oh my God, I just wrote a post whining about my life and wishing I was on a tropical island and what do I read, someone who is actually doing instead of whining. You and the Mom deserve the best holiday ever. Get on that plane, do NOT look back. Relax, talk, laugh and remember exactly why you two got married. I can't wait to hear about your adventures.

[Victoria]

Who is this Brian?

;)

[Meredith]

Have a wonderful honeymoon and enjoy yourselves!

[Amy]

Hey, no wonder you looked so carefree at Shoprite today! Precious child-free moments to stock up on food for the kids before you leave!

I hope you guys have a really great time!

[Marianne]

Wonderful to hear this! I hope you guys enjoy yourself thoroughly. Don't get a sunburn though...they can be painful and rather annoying.

[Marianne]

Hmmm...no edit button. I type way too fast for my brain and fingers to keep in contact very well. I meant to say "yourselves." English is so very difficult! ;-)

[tripleblessings]

Woo-hoooo! Sounds absolutely wonderful. Have a great time! Must try this vacation-without-kids idea some time, sounds divine.

[Palooka]

God, I hope you're not flying American... Have fun!

[Slim]

Go and do things you can't tell the Internet. The girls will be providing material while you're gone, unless they drive their grandparents to start their own blog.

[The Godfather]

Yes, The Dad and The Mom, Go! And have fun, but not too much fun, or the next time you go, it will be four kids and their grandparents in their seventies!

[lilfootsmommy]

GO GO GO!!! WE will get over it!!! Just GO!!! And take lots of pictures so that you can post them and then we can live vicariously through you when you get back...mmmmkay?

[3-Martini Jennifer]

I'm assuming the Gmama is NOT into martini playdates. Boo-hoo.

[LiteralDan]

Wow, I thought I was the only one who didn't get a honeymoon! We're only coming up on 5 years. Looks like we have a ways to go yet.

I think we all need to start a club!

Let's everyone register by a voice (written) vote who didn't go on a honeymoon right after they got married?

[Heather]

Go now. Because if you don't then I won't be able to convince my husband that we should totally drive to Maine for a week this summer when I'm 6 months pregnant and we can't afford a baby, let alone a vacation. Please. Do it for me.

[LIB]

It's well deserved and long-overdue. Go with the internet's blessing.

[SherE1]

Hope you and the wifey have a nice time!