Nudity, drunkenness, violence, drugs, and anal beads. This year's batch of limerick finalists has 'em all. And poop and poop and poop. This time, our ever-talented judge, Emily, let a record three poopcentric poems through to the finals. It must have been the heat.
The ten finalists are below. Following them is your polling form. For your voting ease, I took the liberty of naming the limericks that were submitted without a title. This year, the top five vote-getters will be receiving eleven dad-themed books from Hachette Book Group.
Vote for your favorite two limericks. Voting ends Tuesday, June 17th at 9 PM EST. Finalists, feel free to campaign in the comments section.
At Least I Was Wearing a Shirt by Amelia
On a walk with my boys, I'm aware
Of another mother's bold stare
"Yes, they're twins," I reply
She says, "No, that's not why"
Instead of my shorts, underwear
Emily says: This has the perfect twist at the end of the last line. Way to go, Amelia.
While the Kid Sleeps by The Whole Jackson
The kid is asleep in his bed
When a passing thought goes through my head
I look my wife in the eyes
I whisper, she sighs
But we fall asleep kissing instead
Emily says: Awwwwww.....so romantic.
A Butt for All Seasons by Sasha
Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn
Comes the call: Mom! Wipe my bottom!
I'm cleaning the feces
Of several species
Human and furry: I've got 'em.
Emily says: This has a jaunty little bounce to it, and rather universal application!
One Playdate Changed My Life by Charles the III
For the first few years I was a monk
I was being a good dad I thunk
And then one afternoon
I learned a new tune
Parenting's easier drunk
Emily says: I just love thunk and drunk. The whole last line flows like a smooth liquor.
Does Not Mention Homeostasis by Tapey's Mom
You opened my fridge for a Coke;
If you knew what was in there, you'd choke.
Right next to the cheese,
My son's stool sample, Jeez!
I've got poop in my fridge, that's no joke.
Emily says: This has got so much neat, um, texture to it.
Electronic Babysitter of Champions by Mia
Most friends of mine think that I'm daft
They snigger, "I'd never allow that!"
But when my 5-year-old Einstein
Does nothing but whine
It's a break when he plays World of Warcraft.
Emily Says: This is sort of terrifying, but, kudos for the confession, and rhyming the title of the most important MMOG of all time.
Baby's Crawling by J. E. Pettit
Baby's crawling! I've noticed, of late,
She exhibits a worrisome trait:
She's been swallowing more
Of the crap on our floor,
And much less of the food on her plate!
Emily says: I just love the cleanliness of this. I mean, structurally. Not literally.
Just Say No by Burt
I wish that my daughter was sleepy
Her cries and her wails defeat me
I'm trying my best
But I can't get no rest
And drugging my baby's too creepy
Emily says: God bless you, Burt. We all think about it sometimes.
Have You Seen My Bracelet? by Jolene
My angel has special needs
from her therapy down to her feeds.
I may lose my mind
someday hoping to find
how her poop ended filled up with beads?!?
Emily says: Let go of your worry, Jo, you will never know...at least it wasn't something bigger!
Summer Camp by Phaidra
When I picked up my son he said, "Bummer."
The first day of camp made him glummer.
"Do you have a bad day?
Did you not get to play?"
"I thought I was staying all summer."
Emily says: Perfect timing. This one deserves a rimshot/snare/tophat drumroll after it.
The Celtics lose and I get robbed. Happy Father's Day to me.
Posted by: John | June 16, 2008 at 12:13 AM
Emily: How DID you know it was my bracelet? LOL. It totally was my favorite bead bracelet. Sigh...
Posted by: Jolene | June 16, 2008 at 01:48 AM
I voted for Tapey's Mom not just because her poem is great (albeit gross) but also because last year's limerick CRACKED ME UP!
Posted by: Sue | June 16, 2008 at 09:28 AM
My husband says I should offer to post a picture of the underwear if I win, but, remembering back to that day, I'll probably get more votes if I promise not to. Let's just say it was close to laundry day and leave it at that.
Posted by: Amelia | June 16, 2008 at 09:52 AM
Aww, Sue, that is so sweet. Sadly, I don't even remember last year's limerick! Now I have to go look for it!
This year's update: After refrigerating the contents of my kid's diaper, my son's poop was deemed to be fine by the doctor, so now we are trying to eliminate all kinds of food from his diet to see what the culprit is. Like cheese. Which is his (and my) favorite food. So I have become a Sneaky Cheese Eater so he doesn't see me and get upset!
Posted by: Tapey's Mom | June 16, 2008 at 10:08 AM
Love the limmericks!
BTW saw the article in our local paper and loved it. So glad to see many of my favorite dads that blog being featured! I even bought the paper just to have the article LOL Hope you had a great Father's Day!
Posted by: Trish | June 16, 2008 at 10:18 AM
These are some great selections, particularly "Baby's Crawling" and "Just Say No". I just wish I had been up to submitting something this year. Maybe next time.
Good luck to everyone more organized and focused than me!
Posted by: LiteralDan | June 16, 2008 at 12:57 PM
I saw you in the Star-Ledger yesterday. My husband was a bit worried when he pulled out the paper and without reading anything, I said, "Hey, that's Looky, Daddy!" I recognized your beautiful girls before even reading the caption. You are a celebrity in NJ now!
Posted by: Catherine | June 16, 2008 at 01:52 PM
I just want to say thanks a lot. I've been catching myself singing 'I Gotta Bun to Bite' out loud all weekend.
Posted by: Alison | June 16, 2008 at 02:31 PM
While I can guarantee that I wont be posting a photo if I win (much to EVERYONE's relief I'm sure,) I did see that The Dad said we could campaign here. So I am just going to say this, "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE vote for me so I can get those books for my husband as I am a bad bad wifey and didn't get hubby anything for father's day." Well, I did offer to, you know, get frisky last night, but he just looked at my giant 8 month pregnant belly and avoided the subject all together... XD OK TMI...
Posted by: Jolene | June 16, 2008 at 03:07 PM
They're all great. That was difficult!
Posted by: Meg | June 16, 2008 at 03:40 PM
I'd like to say that all WoW was played under careful adult supervision ...
http://www.vimeo.com/924548
... and that he's been since cut off. :^)
Posted by: Mia | June 16, 2008 at 04:28 PM
2 things. One: I'd say you should vote for me, but really, I'm too drunk to care.And two: Jolene, if your husband turned down a night of friskiness on Father's Day just because you are 8-months pregnant, he doesn't deserve a Father's Day gift.
Posted by: Charles the III | June 16, 2008 at 09:30 PM
Looks like I might make the top five, which makes me happy. Although, as my limerick states, if I fall asleep before nookie,I don't have much chance staying up to read a book, either.
Posted by: The Whole Jackson | June 17, 2008 at 09:30 AM