The Second Annual Looky, Daddy! Limerick Challenge

Alright people, it's contest time.

You know the drill by now: Write a limerick. Submit it below.

The limerick should have something, some tiny thread, connecting it with childrearing. Mentioning poop is not obligatory, but don't let that stop you. What is obligatory is that the poem actually be a limerick. They have a form, people. Learn it, live it, love it.

Our original poet-in-residence, Emily, from Dream/Baby Haiku, has graciously agreed to judge for us again. Emily's job is to select ten finalists that I will then post here for popular vote. Emily does her job well and these contests would not happen without her, so to her I send my undying gratitude and one of my children's kidneys like we talked about. What she does with it is her business.

For the first time, this contest actually has a sponsor, Hachette Book Group, who will be providing the prizes to the five limerick authors who receive the most votes. This sponsorship will come as a great relief to anyone who has ever won one of my contests because I am notorious for taking months to send out prizes. The prize for our last winner was not even sent in the same year as the contest. I wish I were kidding. So this time, the five limerick authors whose works receive the most votes will each receive, just in time for Father's Day, a box of eleven "dad-themed" books, or ten if yours is the one I open to steal the copy of Living on the Black inside. The complete list of prize books can be found here.

So that's it. As always, there is no limit to the number of submissions you can make. I'll close the contest Wednesday night at midnight EST and have the finalists up Friday morning. Let the limericking begin. Here are mine:

 

And The Stupid-Twin-Question-of-the-Day Award Goes To...The Dead Woman

Perhaps you are wishing to die, ma'am?
Down your throat this big stroller I might cram
Your question's so rude
Asked in front of my brood
Which one's the aggressive one? I am.

Out of 71 Countries Studied, American Children Rank 72nd

The outlook gets glummer and glummer
Our kids couldn't be any dumber
We don't need to ask why
As the time just crawls by
I blame it on three months of summer

At Least It Wasn't Porn

"Tonight you be the endless-game player,
The pee-wiper of the pee-sprayer,
I've a book I must write!"
Then she caught me that night
Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Comments

[@ndrea]

an ode to Potty Training.

Victoria and Lila are TWINS!
When they poop, their Dad never wins.
They run and they crouch
To the Business end of the couch
"Look! LOOOOOK!" they shout, sporting grins.

[La La]

I once had two babies at home.
A boy and a girl, now they're grown.
They've moved out of my house,
It's now quiet as a mouse,
So I blog 'cause I sit here alone.

[Amelia]

At Least I Was Wearing a Shirt

On a walk with my boys, I'm aware
Of another mother's bold stare
"Yes, they're twins," I reply
She says, "No, that's not why"
Instead of my shorts, underwear

[beckarooni]

So I thought, in this sweltering heat
That cool water would help it be beat
To the pool! with a yell
Who needs shoes? What the hell
Now my toddler's got blisters on feet

The kid is asleep in his bed
When a passing thought goes through my head
I look my wife in the eyes
I whisper, she sighs
But we fall asleep kissing instead

[The Whole Jackson]

Ooops! That last one was me. Forgot to sign in.

He thought the 'Net ignored him
But really we are all just dim
Can't think of anything funny
Like toddler poops that remind you of a bunny
Oh, Looky Daddy, how we adore him

[Burgh Baby]

Did I mention that I am dim
Can't even remember to log in
It's a wonder my kid is still alive
Considering I can barely count to five
Thank God Burgh Baby doesn't have a twin

[sasha]

Seems like I've been waiting all year for this!

Winter, Spring, Summer and Autumn
Comes the call: Mom! Wipe my bottom!
I'm cleaning the feces
Of several species
Human and furry: I've got 'em.

[Mia]

"Honey, What's That Musky Smell?"

The first hamster ran out of food;
The second got stuck in her tube.
When a search of the house
Failed to find the third mouse --
We followed our nose to her doom.

[Charles the III]

One Playdate Changed My Life

For the first few years I was a monk
I was being a good dad I thunk
And then one afternoon
I learned a new tune
Parenting's easier drunk

[Lisa T]

What are sit-ups??

Two kids by the age of twenty-four
can really soften up your core.
So now I don't try;
Instead I eat some pie,
And claim exercise is a lore.

[Tapey's Mom]

You opened my fridge for a Coke;
If you knew what was in there, you'd choke.
Right next to the cheese,
My son's stool sample, Jeez!
I've got poop in my fridge, that's no joke.

(I love the Limerick Challenge! And this really happened today!)

[Kirsty]

With 2 small girls, aged 6 and 4,
There's no way I'm ready for more!
Of course, they're the best -
But also a test:
So much so, they make my head sore!

[TSM]

Lackanoooky
When horrors of childbirth did fade
A sibling we thought ought to be made
But from spit up to mucus
And her poo-covered tuckus
I haven’t had time to get laid!

His Brain
“Mommy” he said, “Look what I have found!
There’s two of them! Perfect and round!”
I said with a laugh,
“ it’s that one longer staff
That soon will be leading you ‘round!”

(FYI the boy is now 17...)

[Mia]

"Electronic Babysitter of Champions"

Most friends of mine think that I'm daft
They snigger, "I'd never allow that!"
But when my 5-year-old Einstein
Does nothing but whine
It's a break when he plays World of Warcraft.

[John]

That's My Boy!

Parenting is sometimes quite glum.
This job can make my brain numb.
But you make me grin
when, over the din,
you say “Me fart in me bum!”

(Except when he says it, it sounds like another F word.)

[John]

Fun With Identical Twins

With strangers, I like to have fun.
Other reasons for twins - there are none.
“Are they twins?” she said.
Could say yes, but instead,
“When I came in there was only one!”

[Samantha]

The Fountain-head

My son's appetite is not small
Each mealtime leaves him in a thrall
He shoots me a smile
And then spews viscous bile
On his clothing, the floor, and the wall

[Elizabeth]

Oh, to have kids that will eat
Something besides a carb-laden treat
I pull my hair out
They scream and they shout
"We will only eat things that are sweet!"

[MommyMo]

Perils of Parenthood

My eyes were once bright, now they droop
Some days I’m just knocked for a loop
Forget what I need
So for now I’ll concede
Life is all about spit up and poop

[J. E. Pettit]

I'm a father now; time that I grow up.
My baby's in need? Bet I'll show up!
I'm mature, and I'm glad;
Life is great as a dad.
(That's except when I'm covered in throw-up).

Baby's crawling! I've noticed, of late,
She exhibits a worrisome trait:
She's been swallowing more
Of the crap on our floor,
And much less of the food on her plate!

As a father, I'm learning this rule:
It's impossibly hard to look cool
When you're holding a baby.
Sophisticate? Maybe--
But not when your slathered in drool.

[Samantha (again)]

At this point even a handshake doesn't seem safe

My husband has grown quite afraid
That again he will never get laid
But the screams I hear nightly
Have reminded me rightly
That that's how the babies are made

[Clare]

I left them to nap in their bed
They jumped up and made noise instead
What are those calls?
Now there's poop on the walls!
You don't want to hear what I said!

[Scylla]

Children are something divine
though their care eats up all of my time
there’s no room for drinking
or dancing or thinking,
when bringing them up to their prime.