Because I'm Too Tired to Think of Five

Four Reflections on Flying with Children:

Thirty years ago, airline ticket prices were such that flying was the domain of the business traveler or the super-rich. Those days cannot return fast enough.

If a child kicks your chair from behind, don't be an asshole about it. It is very hard for parents to care if their children kick the chair of an asshole.

Someone should draw piggy nostrils on the oxygen masks.

In a movie theater, drinks come with lids and fit into cup holders molded into the armrest of the seat in which you are sitting. In an airplane, drinks come with no lids and rest on little slippery hinged tables attached to a seat in which someone else is sitting. And movie theaters do not, as a general rule, move.

Comments

[Polly]

That movie theater cup holder thing: brilliant!

Also: I should think it would be very hard for parents to care if their children kick the asshole of an asshole, too. Just saying. You'd just want them to turn and run fast after they do, is all. For their own sakes.

[Laura]

good point about the drinks.

[Rebecca F.]

Bwahahaha!

We fly out on Sunday morning. I just might use your line...

"If a child kicks your chair from behind, don't be an asshole about it. It is very hard for parents to care if their children kick the chair of an asshole."

Still sending prayers for K!

Rebecca.

[The Godfather]

If there's a story about oxygen masks needing to be used on your flight, I can't wait to hear that story!

[Erin]

I spent part of last evening in jeans that absorbed most of a half a cup of apple juice dumped by my 2 year old, to whom I spent the whole 2 hour flight saying "No, feet down. Stop kicking the seat. I said feet down." I felt bad for the guy on the way back who had no choice but to sit in front of her, but the guy who, on the way out, moved seats so he was IN FRONT OF 2 YEAR OLD and then gave me dirty looks for the whole flight, did not get an apology.

[phaidra]

Truer words have rarely been spoken.

[Burgh Baby]

My mantra is: If you complain out loud about how annoying my kid is, I will whisper quietly to my kid to keep it up.

[loren]

Theatres DON'T move unless you live in tornado alley.

I never understood that flimsy little slicky table. They need to throw some Rhino-liner on it. (You'll have to Google it, as I'm sure there are no vehicles larger than a tricycle in Jersey, let alone trucks.)

[Papa Bradstein]

Note that airlines are generally going the way of the dodo bird while movie theaters are booming. There are other forces at play here, to be sure, but a major factor in both trends is the willingness and ability to understand the perspective of their customers, or not, as you point out.

[John]

Snark ON!!

So basically, just suck it up? Since you haven''t been able to teach your child (I have 4, so >>> off about THAT) not to be an annoying brat in public, why not let me do it??

OK, snark off.

Really. WTF would you like me to do about your over-caffeinated and out-of-control n-year-old?? (oops, more snark) Why should my comments make you MORE likely to be a jerk? And bottom line, WHY is your child not listening to you? Mine hit the plane with a) stuff they haven't seen for several months and b) promises of goodness if they are, and hellfire if they're not. Why do people think that they can't control their children?

[Nicole]

I can't quite figure out if John up there is being serious or ironic. I'm hoping for ironic.

[Slim]

Overcaffeinated. Hmm. So those triple espressos were a mistake?

Good to know.

Thanks!

[Tammy from Little Rock]

You are the BRAVEST person I know. I can fly free anytime, anywhere because my hubby is an airline pilot. I won't because I have 3 year old twin girls and a 6 year old son. I can barely ride in a car with them all. Good luck on your return flight!:)

[Swirl Girl]

Whoa John- dude...did someone take you blankie? Chill man. (snark, snark)

I am firmly convinced the only reason to keep having children (spaced 4 years apart) is to qualify for pre-boarding on a plane.

My kids are soooo good on planes (and I am not just saying that, they really are!) it's mom they need to worry about.

[Brian]

Hi, John, and welcome to the site. Always nice to have someone around whose sense of self-righteousness exceeds his sense of humor.

[The Original John]

I don't know who that guy thinks he is. He is definitely not me. Even though he has four kids as well, mine have never seen (and will not for quite a while) the inside of an airplane.

I have been on Looky Daddy silence lately for a number of reasons, not least of which is me losing a competition AGAIN!!! Just kidding, not really. No really, just kidding...a little.

[LiteralDan]

You know, the cupholder thing is something I don't think of when I'm not on a plane, so I never get to write that tedious little letter to register my bafflement. So it's refreshing to see it brought out into the open here. That ubiquitous chair/tray arrangement must have been designed for some other, stationary, purpose. And the airplane makers just bought them surplus, and now it's the status quo.

Even given this design, why not take the planes into hangars one by one as they come in for repairs, pop out the little divots they currently call cupholders. That way, we can firmly drop those ridiculously shaped cups (just begging to tip over even when the plane is on the ground) into the hole. That plan=less weight+better cup security, which means money saved for these desperate airlines.

[The Mom]

So glad to hear from Original John. I was a tad worried that not winning the contest had sent you over the edge. Glad to see that although you are nursing your wounds, you are well.

[Vikki]

Oooo...I wish I was going to be in Austin for drinks with ya Looky Daddy. I'm heading to Portugal to hang with my partner and children. Then, when we return in a month, I'll get to experience what you described in this post...for 11 hours not including the 6 hour layover in Philadelphia. I'll be smuggling little bottles of liquor into my suitcase.

[Litte Bird]

I don't know, I travel a fair amount (by train) and I have run into some holy terrors. Also some amazingly perfect angels. The last train ride included the former. I realize it's hard to travel with kids. But this lady didn't even attempt to quiet her two elder kids, both of whom were old enough to know better. Talking is one thing screaming is another. It was a short ride, I didn't say a word to her. I just cranked the iPod. And believe it or not, I really like kids. No surprise though, I don't have any.

[PG]

I'll be flying with a 10, 8, 6 and 2 year old (and my wife) end of August. I am dreading it, but the flights are short-ish Boston->NC, so fingers crossed.

[Robyn]

5. If you choose the seat in front of a small child whose feet dangle off the front of the seat when they're belted in, and if you then choose to recline said seat, don't be surprised when it gets kicked.

Cupholder idea = AWESOME.

[farmer*swife]

You are too funny! Your bloggie readers are too funny! I need to pop in for a read more often -- laughter makes "mommying" easier ;-)

[Jayme]

I first must say that my kids are well behaved, they are not drones, but they are not bratty, they are again - "Well behaved" As I made my way to my seat for our 3 hour flight from FL to PA my 18 month old also known as "the antisocial one" started to fuss because people were looking at him. He barely likes me or my husband, so other people are just SOL! He's a good baby - just likes to be left alone! Anyway - I tell my 4.5 year old to scoot in closest to the window, and ask him to put his backpack under the seat nicely. He does so as my 18mo old is now twisting his body and starting to cry. THEN THE OLD FART in front of us (who had his adult son next to him says "Why do I always get the worst seat on the plane - where's our attendant - I want to be moved" His son says "SSHHHH Dad, just be patient" And he says "Patient? Why? So I can hear that brat cry the whole damn time?"
SO - I politely but kinda loudly said "Sir, I'd like to have an enjoyable flight as well, but if you call my BABY a brat again - I will make it so that you can see just how big of BRATS kids can be - I won't give them any snacks or drinks and I'll leave all their toys in this overhead compartment. We'll see just how unruly they can be. However if you'd like to give me a minute to get them settled in, I think you'll see your rudeness was unneccesary and that the only Brat here is YOU!" I had about 5 rows each way laughing their asses off! I could not believe that those words came out of my mouth! I wish I had it on tape! Needless to say we had a very good flight - they watched their DVD player, had snacks & drinks, and I had many people when we were getting off the flight comment about how polite my 4.5YO was and how well behaved they were. It was a shining time of motherhood! ((((They shoulda seen them on our flight last year - LOL))))