Riding in Cars with Girls

I don't resist getting a DVD player for my minivan because I'm morally opposed to them. I resist it because I believe life is suffering and the earlier my kids understand that, the better prepared they will be.

There is nothing wrong with DVD players in cars. Those who bray there is are usually united by one of two characteristics: They don't have kids and they never went on a road trip with my family. To this day, my father still favors his right shoulder after all-but dislocating it over many summers trying to beat my brother and me into some degree of quiet while driving down I-35 to wherever. It always started the same way, too. He'd reach up and swivel the rearview mirror at one of us, triangulating the distance. In the backseat, you knew something was coming--the tension had been building up for minutes, minutes in which you just couldn't help but put your hand or foot or hip or fingernail or plucked hair or something on your brother's side of the car--but you didn't know whom he'd strike until that mirror moved and the angry front-seat eyes found yours. Then it was a mad dash to the floorboard as the fist came around in a move that I swear human arms cannot actually do, and quiet would reign in the car for a few more miles. Had our bodies been strapped into seatbelts the way kids are today, had we not had the little bit of warning the swiveling, searching mirror provided, surely neither of us would have made it to adulthood.

This past weekend, my brother-in-law got married in Tulsa, Oklahoma, a five-hour drive from my parents' house where the girls and I have been staying for two weeks now. I responded to the first few invites to the wedding with polite requests that the venue be moved closer to us, but these requests were ignored. The final salvo came when I demanded, at the very least, that the wedding be held in a state that did not mandate the serving of 3.2 beer, to which my brother-in-law reminded me that I was currently residing smack dab in the middle of one of the biggest dry counties in Texas, which was a winning argument if I ever heard one, so I threw the kids in the van, loosened up my right shoulder, and hit the road.

A short list of things slightly more interesting than the drive from Dallas to Tulsa: Dryer lint, a broken stapler, Kate Hudson.

Multiple people came up to me at my brother-in-law's wedding and remarked that they couldn't wait to read about the event here on this website, like there was some kind of fundamental disconnect between their wedding experience and mine (which, unless they too heard a three-year-old exclaim, "Daddy, look! God!" when the priest came out, I guess there might have been), but I'm afraid all those people will be disappointed. I saw the same thing they did: My wife's brother, grinning so wide the top of his head was no longer connected to the bottom, saying I do to a woman likely to bring him more happiness than he deserves. There were no foibles, no humorous missteps, and to speak more of the whole event would open this website up to such descriptors as "heartwarming" and "touching," so enough of that if you please.

Tomorrow this whole Texas/Oklahoma summer trip comes to an end, for the twins and I at least. At 6:10 AM, we step on a plane leaving behind Texas, Kathryn, and my parents, but heading toward all those things that make regular blog posting possible: laptops, wireless connections, and--most of all--separate bedrooms. Just hope you're not in the seats in front of us on our way there.

Comments

[Jonathan's Mum]

You know, it is kind of a shame that my kids won't ever know that feeling of fear and loathing when a parent performs acrobatic corporal punishment feats from the front seat of a car to the back. Nope. They sit blissfully unaware as they gaze lovingly at the DVD player hanging from the ceiling of the minivan with their wireless earphones on, all quiet and nice to each other.

I kinda feel robbed. I think I'll take away all the DVDs just so that I can get some exercise in!

[LiteralDan]

Your dad should have upgraded to the Hairbrush-brand arm extenders, like my parents did. The ads said it would work wonders for the shoulder AND have at least twice the sudden, sharp quieting effect of hands alone, or your money back.

[Maggie]

Oh how I yearn for the ability for my 5 year old to watch DVDs in the car! My in-laws live three hours away and we make the trip there about once a month with a kid who has hated the car since the day he was born. Unfortunately, he also gets car sick if he reads or tries to watch videos in the car, so a DVD player in the car would just cause even more frequent vomiting. Damn you motion sickness!

[Sue]

My Dad loves to tell the story of how he was reaching back to smack one of us and he shattered his wristwatch on the dome light. Watch parts everywhere.

Our van has a built-in DVD player that has never been used (might not even work, for all I know). I just know that if I ever fire it up then every five minute trip would include a 45 minute fight/tantrum over which video to watch.

[The Mom]

I'll never forget the first time the words, "If you don't stop, I'm going to turn this car around." came unbidden from my mouth. (I was talking to The Dad, of course.) Rather than feeling chagrin that I was talking like my parents, I realized why they said stuff like that.

[MissMarie]

Ah, The Dad... you lucked out in getting the most of it from your dad. See, my dad was the pacifist. He also happened to be the driver, so road trips were very calm, always a constant speed and most importantly, no yelling came from the driver's seat.

Those are the magic words though. No yelling came from the driver's seat.

My 5 year younger brother and I still refer to the passenger seat as the "Punisher Seat". Yea, Mom had full control in the car.... Which included being able to turn around all the way and yell, point-blank, into each of our faces at any given moment.

Your whole swivel-searchy mirror thing? Be thankful you had time to throw yourselves to the floorboards, The Dad. The Punisher Seat did not equip such precautions for the offenders in the backseat. My brother and I would happily do the whole "I'm not touching you!" "Stop touching me!" game until, mid-sentence, someone would get their head whacked with such ferocity, neither of us would so much as look past the invisible line that exists as a divider in all cars occupied by siblings. And seeing that mom could always turn around on her seat and lean into the backseat, she never missed a shot. Not once. She moved fast, and neither of us realized what was coming until it was too late.

That invisible line still exists to this day... and even though we're both grown now, neither of us can get the hell away from one of my mothers carefully calculated sneak attack whacks. (and yes, that is exactly how my brother and I still refer to them)

So, The Dad.... Be thankful that your dad could only reach his arm so far (even if it was un-humanly far) and that you had time to duck for the floorboards.

Some of us did not have that luxury.

[Aurora]

Heartwarming!! Touching! "Are we there yet?"

[Jaina]

Hope you have a painless and safe flight home! And congrats to your brother-in-law.

[farmer*swife]

I do have a DVD player in my SUV. I keep threatening that in the replacement vehicle "I will not have a DVD player, y'all kids are spoiled!" This is usually after they have been nagging me for ten minutes that they want video (rather than radio).

I do have headphones so we can do both. I'm just lazy.

Anyhow, I also know that my next vehicle will probably also be equipped with a DVD player -- for my own sanity...not theirs. LOL!

[Heidi number 2 but whose counting...]

okay call me old fashioned but I kinda miss the days when a sibling who misbehaved could be sent to the car to stew alone while the rest of the family finished a whine free meal. The good ole pre-car-jacking days...

[keri bea]

I'm sure glad I didn't hear the three year old refer to the priest as God. When I read that I was taking a sip of my tea - it's hard to swallow tea when you're laughing and you know how quiet I laugh. Your girls are wonderful. You & the mom have done a wonderful job.

[Mauigirl52]

Great imagery of your dad reaching around to smack you guys while looking in the rear-view mirror. I can see it now.

I can understand why DVDs would be a welcome addition to your vehicle. My parents were lucky - I was a big reader when I was a kid. And it didn't make me carsick. So as long as I had a good book I wasn't too much of a pain in the car after my first few plaintive "How many more miles? When will we get there?" questions. And later on I'd fall asleep stretched out on the back seat (no seat belts then of course).

But I didn't have siblings. Then it would have been another story!

[Scattered Mom]

I don't have a DVD player, but then here's the thing...I have ONE child. Jake sits in the back quietly with a pile of books and all is good, unless he's hungry or has to pee.

I asked him once if he wished he had siblings and he said, "No. There's be much less space back here and someone would be bugging me."

So I can see why having THREE would make one bust out the DVD player pretty quickly....I'm sure I would!

[Taado]

My husband and I think of our RSE much the same as we do about Twin B. We didn't ask for it, we would have said "no thanks" had we been given the option, but we think it's just wonderful now that it's here.