Luck

Poop. People, why does my life always come back to poop? Bird poop, people poop, gold-plated poop pendants, you people wasted no time in writing to tell me how lucky poop is supposed to be. Poop. People, as I look around my house, trust me when I say if poop were lucky, we wouldn't be having this problem.

That said, you know our first Luck Quest mission is going to be riding the train to New York and making asses of ourselves trying to get those surly city pigeons to crap on us. I'm skeptical that it will work (if bird poop was lucky, why does my minivan have WASH ME keyed into the door?) but I'm tickled pink just at the thought. And that's what this whole Quest is about: Throwing skepticism to the wind and making asses of ourselves. It's what this family was based on, and it's time we got back to our roots. Enough of this pity party this blog has become.

And speaking of which...

I used to know this guy. I never once punched him in the jaw no matter how much I wanted to. He was a full-time world traveler, working odd jobs from country to country, amassing experiences that many people would sell their babies just to have. He liked to call himself homeless, which was literally true, the man had no permanent home, but he meant it seriously. He meant his life, and the life of the 3.5 million people homeless in the US alone, were essentially the same, the fact he was saying this in a pub in Eastern Europe not withstanding. He and I used to argue about this loudly and often, and like I said, I never once punched him in the face, but I wanted to.

Which leads me to this: My family and I are lucky. Incredibly so. Yes, Kathryn broke her arm and, yes, it has resisted multiple efforts to straighten back out, but she has a doctor with great skill working in a modern hospital trying to fix it, and the whole thing is getting paid by an insurance company. There are countless places where children with broken limbs are not so lucky.

The events we've had here, with seizures and limbs and a rabid carpenter ant (I didn't even write about the ant, but you wouldn't have believed it anyway) and before that teeth and toes and basements and basements and basements are only perceived as bad luck because I have the luxury to sit here at my laptop and declare them so. If we were truly living an unlucky life, I sure as hell couldn't be blogging about it.

Many of you, in comments and emails, have asked for our address to send us gifts, charms, and ponies. We are truly honored by this, but entirely undeserving. Instead, may I suggest you make a donation to Doctors Without Borders, a group dedicated to spreading the kind of luck we do have to children and families that lack it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find birds to crap on my daughter. Just hope you're not on our train coming home. We plan on being real lucky.

Comments

[Laura]

You truly amaze me. And I dont think Dr.s without borders accept webkins do they?

[Pretty Jane]

Brother, when I read this, I damn near cried. And not just at the idea of Kathryn having pigeon crap on her, on top of everything else. Well done, friend.

[Sarah R]

When the leaves start to fall, try to catch them out of the air. For each leaf you catch before they hit the ground, you get a month of good luck.

And it sure beats getting pooped on by a pigeon.

Wishing you all good luck, straight limbs and peaceful brains.

[Jamie]

I don't think I have or will ever again wish this for anyone BUT I hope you and your wonderful daughter get pooped on by a crap load of pigeons.

[metoo]

I was at the Springsteen concert last month at Giants Stadium and the people next to me were repeatedly pooped on by pigeons overhead. So maybe you need to become Springsteen groupies? Just sayin', in case the NY pigeons don't oblige...

[Meg]

I get what you're saying. But just because you have first-world-problems doesn't diminish the fact that you're family has had a rough year.
Hope you get pooped on! And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

[Catizhere]

Wear a brand new shirt. This should increase your odds of getting pooped on.

[Knight]

I have lived in New York for seven years and in all that time I have only been covered in bird poop once. I was in Central Park by the boathouse. Good luck with the luck!

[Burgh Baby]

See now, this is why I adore you. There are many many people who never have anything positive to say. At some point, people need to realize that if it is you that is always having a bad day, then it is truly YOU. A little perspective is important when the bird poop lands on your head, after all. You can either be the unluckiest person that ever lived and stay miserable, or you can laugh at how ridiculous you look with white goop dripping in your eye.

I hope your luck makes a hasty turn for the better, because if anyone deserves rainbows and unicorns for the next few years, it's y'all.

[3-Martini Jennifer]

Personally, I think your latest streak of bad luck is caused by a lack of 3-Martini Playdates. Get the blender out, Buddy, cuz Camillo's Dad and I are coming over!

[allmycke]

Having myself had a bit of bad luck over the last year or so, I don't have any sure-fire good luck charms to pass on. I do agree with everyone above - you and your family deserve a looooong streak of luck!
And: when I'm already impressed with the way you deal with all this, you name Doctors Without Borders as the right organisation to make donations to...

[Tammy from Little Rock]

If it's bird poop that you are looking for, then fly the coop and head down south somewhere where you can enjoy the warm ocean breezes and the many seagulls that will gladly poop on Kathryn's head anytime you feed them. I really hope things get much better soon.

[Fawn]

You know what? You are just one classy guy. Really.

Best...

[Gary]

Brian, you're clarity and view of your personal hardships is completely admirable. And I'm sure you're teaching your daughters to have the same views.

A few years ago, when I was going through my own "bad luck", I came up with a phrase that I try to live by now:
Perception is reality, change your perceptions and you change your reality.

So as you change you perspective and look up at the pigeons, remember that you are changing your reality.

Best of reality.

[Jaina]

I hope things turn up. Glad to read the perspective in there.

[LiteralDan]

If you don't have luck in getting a pigeon to poop on you guys (the pigeons must have a great lobbyist or epic prankster to push this idea so successfully), I wouldn't suggest moving up the food chain, no matter how many people suggest it. It would just be a bad idea, and it's a slippery slope.

Just don't ask why the slope is so slippery...

I hope the poop project turns out well. For what it's worth, you have my families thoughts and prayers.

[Mort's mom]

Go for it.

These are the times you will remember, cavorting like fools whilst exhorting pigeons to target poop. The bad stuff will fade, but to the end of her days your daughter will bless her luck in having the kind of family that spends their time doing crazy things just for the love of her.

Good luck? You are going to have to beat it off with a stick.

I was serious when I said we would need photos.

p.s. Donation done.
xx

[Brian]

Thanks, MM!

[Clare]

I still say easier to get a pet bird and teach it to sit on K's head. Also, as an additional plus, if it was of the talking kind you could teach it to yell "double martini day" when things go wrong or guests come over.

[Rattling the Kettle]

Try a pet store. It's much harder to get a wild bird to sit on your shoulder long enough to poop.

[VegasDad]

Have you tried Feng Shui?

[Cinthia]

Pigeon poop? Really? And I thought my suggestion of bathing in seven herbs was wacky...

I also think, if for some reason the pigeons are being shy/courteous, as a last resort you should either go to a pet store, or find a crazy bird lady like my old neighbor pat. If you didn't get pooped on in her bird house, you'd at least step in fresh poop!

[Tess]

OK, you always leave me hanging. TELL US ABOUT THE ANT!

[pennifer]

A bird crapped on my head today. I dedicated it to Kathryn. It was purple and stained my hand, when I touched my head to find out what hit me. Luck is transferrable, right?