I'm Three!

For simplicity, I am discontinuing my inside-voice service. Outside Voice will henceforth be renamed All-Purpose Voice.

While you are free to disagree, "Poopy head" is comedy gold. I think the numbers back me up on this one, too.

Yes, I will tell you when I need to use the bathroom. Listen for it as you unload the grocery cart at the cash register.

Somewhere people are doing things wrong. I will go and look for them, then report it all back to you in detail. Don't go anywhere.

I accessorize with Band-aids.

Everything that has taken place from five minutes ago way back to when I was born happened "yesterday." I apologize for any confusion this may cause.

Based on my can-I-have-some-candy investigation, I have determined that you are a bad father.

And a poopy head.

Comments

[Victoria]

Oh, so very very true :)

[Amanda]

Dude, it's totally fine. I, too, am a poopy head. I wouldn't let my nephew jump off the roof. He's 9. Not like that's *ever* a good idea but seriously? NINE? I'm pretty sure I'd do hard time in federal prison for allowing that.

Which, I just realized, is nothing like witholding candy. Carry on.

[LiteralDan]

I think you may also be 2, 4, and 5. How do you do it???

[Anne Prince]

Happy Birthday Victoria and Lila - did your mommy and daddy buy you pink and purple matching ponies?? If not, I really, really think they should.

(We need a picture of The Mom's birthday cake creation)

[Brian]

Ooops. Sorry, Anne, it's nobody's birthday around here. We're just three. Really, really three.

[A Dad's Life]

LOL! Well done.

All the best

[Petunia]

We're living it here, too. I like, "He pooped in my pants," says one twin about the other.

[embee]

Yeah, I don't really remember three, but how 'bout this one.

I'm Eighteen

I know Everything, you don't, that is why I must roll my eyes at you in this fashion.

Take the trash out? Why must you ALWAYS be nagging at me?

The warm glow of my computer is SO MUCH MORE interesting than anything you might want to share.

I'm Eighteen, therefore my body clock is quite different from yours, I simply can't get to sleep any sooner than 2:00am nor wake up any earlier than 12:00pm.

Sullen? I'm not sullen, you just kinda bore me, that's all.

Based on my can-I-have-a-new-laptop investigation, I have determined you are a bad mother.

[Kari]

What, you mean you don't have the "anything that will happen in the future, whether it be 5 minutes or 5 years, is henceforth to be known as "next week"?

Other than that, this is spot on! BTW, You can tame the bandaid monster a TINY bit by buying plain old boring ones...

[Burgh Baby]

Are you trying to say that Band-aids are NOT accessories? Cause if that's the case, I've been doing it all wrong. I guess I'll just rip the Dora Band-aid off my forehead right now and save myself from your taunting. Although, it really does match my socks quite nicely . . .

[Katherine]

And still, three has it all over four!!

[Erica]

I feel your pain. Mine will turn 4 in Feb.

[Mary]

We're at 2.5 and already we sound a little bit like three. It's nice to know what else we have to look forward to.

[Diane]

Pure Gold!

And Embee, my 13 would add to your list (which otherwise fits her perfectly):

Yes, I will tell you whenever you embarrass me, which is every time I am forced to go out in public with you.

[sasha]

Four is the new three. And I think the numbers back me up on that one:

I must walk through every doorway first. Should you walk ahead of me, I will go all boneless and screamy.

I will declare our walk from the front door to the car a race, but only once I'm halfway there. Should my brother manage to beat me to the car, I will collapse into a "not fair!" tirade, with tears. Be prepared to hear me sob all the way to our destination.

I express my fears in "what if?" sentences such as "what if our house turned into a monster house and ate us?" If you try to comfort me with such nonsense as "there's no such thing as monsters" I will reply with an exasperated "I SAID iiiiiiiiif!" (This also works after requests are denied: "I SAID I wiiiiiiiiiish!")

I expect you to be entertained by my rendition of the Peanut Butter Jelly Song for as long as I wish to repeat it. Make sure you are LOOKING. Do NOT expect me to perform for others, however.

[Springsteen fan]

So true. And true of 4, too. But 7 is more like this:

StarWars,StarWars,StarWars,StarWars,
crackmyheadopenontheplayground,StarWars....

[loren]

Oh YEAH. I know what you mean about being "really really three." My girls are turning 4 in January and they hit their "really really three" stride two weeks ago.

I've been laughing maniacally ever since. It keeps me from hurting people.

BTW, WHAT IS WITH having to go potty a) right after you get to a store and get them loaded into carts, b) when you've got shopping carts full of food that you can't just abandon, and c) when you're checking out??? I hate shopping!!!!

[Taado]

The big one at our house right now is: I can say anything I want so long as it's followed by either "I'm just joking" or "I'm talking to myself!"

I'm planning to rent out my twins for the entirety of their 3s. Anyone interested? I'll make you a really good deal.

[Desi]

Love it. Perfect. Totally true. You're making me miss my twins being three now.

[jenfromri]

Oh yes. My two-year-old has never met a public toilet she didn't like. Except for the scary, scary flush. Next year should be fun too.

[renata]

Brian and Sasha, between you have described our child who is "starting to turn 4" precisely.

And in addition to the "yesterday" time dilation, everything more than an hour from now is "tomorrow".

[3-Martini Jennifer]

As usual, Brian, you nailed it! And speaking of nails, the Threes may well put the final nail in my coffin.

[Sadia]

Three (minus poopy-head) sounds suspiciously like two and a half. I'll admit that Melody mixes in some "last weeks" with her "yesterdays". Are you saying there's a year more of this stuff coming?

Last night's gem? A band-aid (the ubiquitous accessory, I agree) wrapped around two fingers is "like a tortilla." They're using similes already? Really?

I suspect that the daycare teacher has been hearing a chant of "I got a band-aid like a tortilla last week," yelled at the top of her lungs, all day today.

[Miss Britt]

And anything happening NOT RIGHT NOW, and not yesterday, happens tomoyow.

[Jordan]

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.