"I'm gonna jump in the shower and then I'm going to bed."
"Can I ask you something first?"
My wife paused before she said yes. It is a natural side effect of our ten years of marriage.
"Sometimes, when the kids are all in bed and I'm in the shower, trying to scald the day from my skin, I have this secret wish that you are out here doing, you know, sexy things."
"Sexy things?"
"Sexy things. Like putting on lingerie, or lighting candles in our bedroom, or wearing that outfit I bought you last year."
"Oh. That."
"So tonight I thought while you were in the shower, maybe I'd, you know, do some, you know, sexy things for you."
"Like what?"
"I don't know. That's my question."
She thought for just a moment, then lowered her voice. "Tonight, while I'm in the shower, I want you to change out the cats' litter boxes. I stepped on a cat turd yesterday in the dark."
Oh, Brian, that is so like me and my husband, I can't even tell you. That's why the book, "Porn for New Mothers" features men cleaning up. Nothing like children to mess up the house and kill your libido, a downer for men who have to deal with a double whammy. First the "honey-do" list and then twice the wooing. I feel for you, as I do for my husband, but I'm right there next to your wife. One of my favorite posts was the one in which she had you dress up as the plumber and bring your tools to the bathroom to fix a leak etc. Pure gold.
Posted by: Amy | November 07, 2008 at 01:00 AM
It's true love, there's absolutely no question about it :)
Posted by: Benton | November 07, 2008 at 01:39 AM
I have twin two year old girls and two older kids. My husband is in Iraq. I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time.
Thanks
Posted by: smellynelley | November 07, 2008 at 02:01 AM
Slam dunk by The Mom!
Posted by: Anne Prince | November 07, 2008 at 07:00 AM
Dude this rocks! Your life is my life. It's funny how as your marriage goes on, what used to be "Oh yeah baby" slowly starts getting replaced more frequently by "Is that all you think about?", "Do you know what I had to do ................?" (extra dots for lengthy complaint effect)
We are the rejected brothers in arms.
Posted by: a parent reason | November 07, 2008 at 07:02 AM
:) I am thinking of assigning certain sexual favors to household activities by DH - and posting the list in his closet for him to see. Kind of like the rewards chart for our kids....... OY!
Posted by: Trisha Woodson | November 07, 2008 at 07:34 AM
OMG! That is perfect! You know sometimes that is the most sexy thing you can do for a woman!
Posted by: Stephanie | November 07, 2008 at 08:24 AM
Note to "a parent reason"--there was no rejection.
Note to others: Neither was it tit for tat (if you'll excuse the pun).
Posted by: The Mom | November 07, 2008 at 08:28 AM
OOOOoooooo-Wheeeee!
Now that's SEXY!
:-)
Posted by: embee | November 07, 2008 at 08:45 AM
Thanks for the laugh
Posted by: Jamie | November 07, 2008 at 08:53 AM
I'm always telling my husband that the sexiest thing he can do is to steam clean the carpet. I'm so not kidding when I say it.
Oh, and eeeeeeew to stepping on a cat turd. Poor The Mom!
Posted by: Burgh Baby | November 07, 2008 at 09:13 AM
The Mom is my hero!
Posted by: loren | November 07, 2008 at 09:25 AM
After one of those days at work when you're ready to perform harakiri before lunch, this was the laugh I needed!
The Mom rocks!
Posted by: allmycke | November 07, 2008 at 10:52 AM
On behalf of Moms everywhere I say: Exactly.
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | November 07, 2008 at 11:24 AM
Obviously you have different definitions of sexy.
Posted by: VegasDad | November 07, 2008 at 12:00 PM
At my wife's suggestion, I read the book "Sex Begins in the Kitchen." The ideas presented seemed sound, so I tried to implement them - until the day I realized I was working really hard, and the only benefit I received was a relly clean kitchen!
Posted by: patrickw | November 07, 2008 at 12:03 PM
That is so hot. I feel like I need to minimize this window if my kids come in the room. Especially the one who can read.
Posted by: Carolyn | November 07, 2008 at 01:04 PM
Is there a central wife training facility that we husbands don't know about, like an anti-Stepford Wives conspiracy organization.
Posted by: Andy | November 07, 2008 at 01:33 PM
This is hilarious and brilliantly executed. I also like the phrasing "scald the day from my skin", because ain't that just the way it is sometimes.
Posted by: LiteralDan | November 08, 2008 at 02:45 AM
sexy things and cat turds...
bet you never thought you'd hear those two phrases uttered in the same thought bubble.
Posted by: swirl girl | November 08, 2008 at 03:06 PM
Sweet mother - you had me at "sexy things". I am crying from laughing. I am SO using that term sometime in the near future, but I have to be able to do it with a straight face.
I will send you a penny when I do - as royalty ya know - cuz I'm a giver.
Posted by: Jarrard | November 09, 2008 at 09:15 PM
That was hilarious - and sadly much like our household! I literally laughed out loud at the last paragraph.
Posted by: Mauigirl52 | November 09, 2008 at 09:52 PM
okay I know there is a newer post but I am still marveling over this one. So funny. I would love to say this is totally unfamiliar turf to me, that I am a spicy vixen who actually wears the sexy things growing cobwebs in my drawer, but , sweet jesus I am the mom and the mom is me. Changing the kitty litter - TOTALLY hot.
Posted by: Heidi number 2 but whose counting... | November 10, 2008 at 09:38 AM
Whoo. Now that IS sexy! It's nice when my husband does something "romantic" like candles and rose petals. But I REALLY know how much he loves me when he takes out the diaper pail or cleans up the dog vomit. Now THAT is sexy.
And THIS was extremely funny. I have to go bookmark your blog now. ktnxbai.
Posted by: zenmom | November 10, 2008 at 11:22 AM
Oh, geez. I think I just pee'd myself a little. Only difference is, our cat has taken to pooping in the master bedroom. On my husband's side of the bed. After I'm dead asleep but before he comes to bed. I think her days are numbered...
Posted by: Jodi | November 10, 2008 at 03:00 PM