Without further delay, I present the winner of the Third Mostly-Annual Haiku Contest:
A lovely playdate
My child says, "Lick my boobies"
Now we have to move
This 19-syllable gem of a poem was written by Vikki of Up Popped a Fox, a great blog that does not, as a rule, talk about kids licking boobies, so it must just be something about us over here that brings such stuff out in people.
Vikki, email me your address and the coffee and mug will be on their way. Congratulations.
Inviting five friends and their seven kids over to help me judge the haiku submissions sounded like a fun idea when I came up with it. Just like the lychee martinis sounded like a fun idea, too. But now that everyone is gone and I have a house full of pizza crusts, spilled juice, and dirty cocktail shakers, with nothing but a few scribbles on the 17 pages of haiku I printed out, it seems less than helpful. Besides, most of the scribbles are from Jennifer, who upon drinking her second martini wrote IDIOT over every sentimental haiku you people wrote. She's an angry, angry person, my friend Jennifer.
So, piecing the event together as best I can, here are the 10 finalists:
Legos by Robyn
Legos are breeding
Under chairs, ready to leap
Beneath my bare feet
My Turn by Megan
"Three boys?" Eyebrows raised
Laugh now! Soon, sweet girls are teens.
I'll laugh last, you bitch!
Cup of Joe by Shnerfle
Morning cup of joe
Rewarmed, lost, found in micro.
Never stood a chance
Honey, We're Packing Again by Vikki
A lovely playdate
My child says "Lick my boobies"
Now we have to move
Wreckage by Laugh, Mom
Have pushed out three kids.
Was two separate places.
Is now vaganus
Missing the Point by Jill
I'm in here! he shouts
Muffled voice from the closet
School Bus by Taado
The good lord giveth,
But School Bus taketh away:
I worship weekdays
Sad Tooth by Carrie
Under the pillow
Waits the tooth safely wrapped but
Tooth fairy forgets
Hannah Montana by Chookooloonks
Will be the death of me yet
My daughter can't sing
Last Trimester by Anna
I'm a giant orb
Burgeoning, wobbly, slow, sick;
Ah! I've shit myself
It was my intention to provide witty quotes from the judges explaining why each poem was chosen, but at this point all I can remember was someone saying "Vaganus" would be a great name for a band.
Now for the voting. Between now and midnight EST Friday, please select your two favorite haiku.
The haiku were especially good this year and it was very hard to choose just ten out of all the submissions. If yours was not in the finalists, I'm sure it was one of those argued over again and again. Unless, of course, it was sentimental, then we simply couldn't read it and you should blame Jennifer. I always do.
Well, hello! It's March 1st and time to ramp this blog back to its fully-functioning self, which, as I recently read in an online review "trumps so many others in terms of its own contrived archness." After looking up "archness" in the dictionary, my wife turned to me and said, "Well, at least you won something."
But now it's not my turn to win something, it's yours. Haiku madness is upon us once again. The rules are simple: Write a parenting haiku. Submit it below. Win.
For judging this time, I'm doing something different, which is a nice way of saying my guest judge no longer responds to my emails. This year, the 3-Martini Playdate will get together and choose the finalists on Wednesday afternoon, which really means I am going to choose, because Jennifer can't count syllables after her second martini and Camilo's dad will just spend his time rifling through the whole bunch looking for Spanish haiku and cursing at us in his own colorful and ancient language.
To kick things off, here are two of my own:
Not a Good Sign
Just for my daughters
She keeps lollipops at hand
Liquor store cashier
By "Odd", I mean "Only"
My marital bed
Five bodies cannot fit there
Odd man out again
The winners will receive a big ol' bag of coffee and a Looky, Daddy! coffee mug (one of only two ever made) to drink it from. Submissions will be accepted until midnight EST Tuesday. Finalists will be posted for voting on Thursday morning.