Without further delay, I present the winner of the Third Mostly-Annual Haiku Contest:
A lovely playdate My child says, "Lick my boobies" Now we have to move
This 19-syllable gem of a poem was written by Vikki of Up Popped a Fox, a great blog that does not, as a rule, talk about kids licking boobies, so it must just be something about us over here that brings such stuff out in people.
Vikki, email me your address and the coffee and mug will be on their way. Congratulations.
Inviting five friends and their seven kids over to help me judge the haiku submissions sounded like a fun idea when I came up with it. Just like the lychee martinis sounded like a fun idea, too. But now that everyone is gone and I have a house full of pizza crusts, spilled juice, and dirty cocktail shakers, with nothing but a few scribbles on the 17 pages of haiku I printed out, it seems less than helpful. Besides, most of the scribbles are from Jennifer, who upon drinking her second martini wrote IDIOT over every sentimental haiku you people wrote. She's an angry, angry person, my friend Jennifer.
So, piecing the event together as best I can, here are the 10 finalists:
Legos by Robyn
Legos are breeding Under chairs, ready to leap Beneath my bare feet
My Turn by Megan
"Three boys?" Eyebrows raised Laugh now! Soon, sweet girls are teens. I'll laugh last, you bitch!
The haiku were especially good this year and it was very hard to choose just ten out of all the submissions. If yours was not in the finalists, I'm sure it was one of those argued over again and again. Unless, of course, it was sentimental, then we simply couldn't read it and you should blame Jennifer. I always do.
Well, hello! It's March 1st and time to ramp this blog back to its fully-functioning self, which, as I recently read in an online review "trumps so many others in terms of its own contrived archness." After looking up "archness" in the dictionary, my wife turned to me and said, "Well, at least you won something."
But now it's not my turn to win something, it's yours. Haiku madness is upon us once again. The rules are simple: Write a parenting haiku. Submit it below. Win.
For judging this time, I'm doing something different, which is a nice way of saying my guest judge no longer responds to my emails. This year, the 3-Martini Playdate will get together and choose the finalists on Wednesday afternoon, which really means I am going to choose, because Jennifer can't count syllables after her second martini and Camilo's dad will just spend his time rifling through the whole bunch looking for Spanish haiku and cursing at us in his own colorful and ancient language.
To kick things off, here are two of my own:
Not a Good Sign
Just for my daughters She keeps lollipops at hand Liquor store cashier
By "Odd", I mean "Only"
My marital bed Five bodies cannot fit there Odd man out again
The winners will receive a big ol' bag of coffee and a Looky, Daddy! coffee mug (one of only two ever made) to drink it from. Submissions will be accepted until midnight EST Tuesday. Finalists will be posted for voting on Thursday morning.