Well, hello! It's March 1st and time to ramp this blog back to its fully-functioning self, which, as I recently read in an online review "trumps so many others in terms of its own contrived archness." After looking up "archness" in the dictionary, my wife turned to me and said, "Well, at least you won something."
But now it's not my turn to win something, it's yours. Haiku madness is upon us once again. The rules are simple: Write a parenting haiku. Submit it below. Win.
For judging this time, I'm doing something different, which is a nice way of saying my guest judge no longer responds to my emails. This year, the 3-Martini Playdate will get together and choose the finalists on Wednesday afternoon, which really means I am going to choose, because Jennifer can't count syllables after her second martini and Camilo's dad will just spend his time rifling through the whole bunch looking for Spanish haiku and cursing at us in his own colorful and ancient language.
To kick things off, here are two of my own:
Not a Good Sign
Just for my daughters
She keeps lollipops at hand
Liquor store cashier
By "Odd", I mean "Only"
My marital bed
Five bodies cannot fit there
Odd man out again
The winners will receive a big ol' bag of coffee and a Looky, Daddy! coffee mug (one of only two ever made) to drink it from. Submissions will be accepted until midnight EST Tuesday. Finalists will be posted for voting on Thursday morning.
Teenage Conspiracy Theories
Did you take my shorts?
Cuz they aren't in the dryer
where I had left them.
Everybody takes
my stuff and I never know
where anything is.
Was it you? Or you?
Maybe it was you. Or YOU.
It sure wasn't me.
I hate that no one
ever leaves my stuff alone.
*foot stamp plus door slam*
Oh. I found my shorts.
I guess they were put away
into my dresser.
How was I supposed
to know that they were in there?
Jeez, Mom, just calm down!
Posted by: the planet of janet | March 01, 2009 at 12:19 AM
learning to speak now
soon never to be quiet
blue eyed blonde girlie
oatmeal for breakfast?
rather chew little people
or maybe a book
fingers taste yummy
doggie eyeball is mushy
oh no you didn't
child made of rubber
headbutting the hardwood floor
oh crap, this one's mine
tofu and soybeans
no kraft macaroni box
but i turned out good?
can write these for hours
but cannot do the dishes
that makes me a man...
Posted by: brian | March 01, 2009 at 02:31 AM
Harumph! I resent your criticism of my syllable-counting skills! However, I will still help you judge your damn contest because that's what good friends do. Also, you have promised me free alcohol and playmates for my children. Cheers!
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | March 01, 2009 at 09:11 AM
Going in to be snipped
wife has a new allergy
goddamn you latex
cooking lunch again
baby needs a diaper change
that's not mustard, ew.
Posted by: maria | March 01, 2009 at 10:00 AM
kids' births? wedding? no.
happiest day of his life?
vasectomy day.
up to my elbow
lint-impacted dryer vent
hope no rats nest here
i'm eating bon-bons
sprawled before daytime tv
only in my dreams
i wake to this sound
HORK HORK HORK hairballs again
no! not the blanket!
Posted by: sasha | March 01, 2009 at 10:24 AM
Ok, so I can't count either, apparently. Let's try again.
Going to be snipped
wife has a new allergy
goddamn you latex.
there. 5-7-5 i think...
Posted by: maria | March 01, 2009 at 10:35 AM
18
Yesterday a tot
a flash of days, months and years
shocked you're now a man.
16
wants to die her hair
in layers of black and blonde
but she's not emo?
45 *groan*
they are young adults
can't be, still feel twenty'ish
mirror doesn't lie.
Posted by: embee | March 01, 2009 at 10:50 AM
Legs don't work, stay bent.
Tests, MRIs, tears, more tests.
A stroke before birth?!
Crying, frustration -
Therapy, stretching. Worth it
for my son's first step
Posted by: Sunny | March 01, 2009 at 10:53 AM
Thanks to Maria I can't stop thinking vasectomy haiku:
two seems like plenty
vas deferens, severed now
tunnel's end: a light!
Posted by: sasha | March 01, 2009 at 11:31 AM
Hospital again?
I question god's divine plan
Kid tougher than I.
Posted by: Becky | March 01, 2009 at 11:40 AM
El Que Nunca Crece
Salgamos de nuevo
Al frio de Wisconsin
Mi hijo perro
(Yes, that one was just for Camilo's Dad.)
Translation:
Let's go out again
In the cold of Wisconsin
My son, the puppy
Oh if she could walk
on two, learn to poo in place...
Alas, she's my pup!
(Sorry... no kids here... just a 6 yr old puppy)
Posted by: Clare | March 01, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Millionth time read, I
Overdose on "Goodnight Moon"
Why is she immune?
Posted by: Meandering Michael | March 01, 2009 at 11:54 AM
Streaming tears of pain
Tiny feet crushing my 'nads
No, don't kiss better
Posted by: Meandering Michael | March 01, 2009 at 12:05 PM
SNOW DAY
Snow accumulates
The schools must again be closed
Cabin fevers spike
Wii ARE FAMILY
Family time does lack
Together we are apart
Until Wii find fun
Posted by: Kerri | March 01, 2009 at 01:49 PM
Boys at library:
I’m the king of the castle
You’re dirty princess
Question for my son
What will you be when grown up?
Will pee standing up.
Posted by: Erin | March 01, 2009 at 01:58 PM
Hannah Montana
Will be the death of me yet
My daughter can't sing
Posted by: Chookooloonks | March 01, 2009 at 02:15 PM
Preschool playground pee
But pee outside when camping
Whew, at least no poop
Posted by: Cathie | March 01, 2009 at 02:18 PM
I can't Haiku but
I missed you so much your blog
makes me neglect kids
Posted by: Angela | March 01, 2009 at 02:49 PM
Looky Daddy's back!
Can't wait to hear 'bout havoc
Wreaked by kids in Feb.
Posted by: Joy | March 01, 2009 at 02:54 PM
I have no children;
Have a pit bull and a cat
They're more than enough
Am very grateful
To all wonderful parents
Who raise all the kids.
It's so important
I knew I couldn't do it
So am glad you did!
Posted by: Mauigirl | March 01, 2009 at 03:09 PM
I cannot believe
That wiping poopy bottoms
Is deemed "fulfilling"
We are almost done
With diapers and bum wiping
All praise be to God
Posted by: Angella | March 01, 2009 at 04:14 PM
The good lord giveth,
But School Bus taketh away:
I worship weekdays
What a tangled web
We weave, when first we practice
Big girl shoe laces
Posted by: Taado | March 01, 2009 at 04:16 PM
Written by my two-year old
No mama sing song
No eat dinner baby NOT
No diaper change NOooooooooooooo!
Posted by: Joy | March 01, 2009 at 05:37 PM
Chicken taquito
Followed by rocket vomit
Food poisoning, yay!
Posted by: Kritter Krit | March 01, 2009 at 06:42 PM
Lol I suck at haikus, but I'm glad you're back to blogging!
Posted by: Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com | March 01, 2009 at 08:14 PM