Well, hello! It's March 1st and time to ramp this blog back to its fully-functioning self, which, as I recently read in an online review "trumps so many others in terms of its own contrived archness." After looking up "archness" in the dictionary, my wife turned to me and said, "Well, at least you won something."
But now it's not my turn to win something, it's yours. Haiku madness is upon us once again. The rules are simple: Write a parenting haiku. Submit it below. Win.
For judging this time, I'm doing something different, which is a nice way of saying my guest judge no longer responds to my emails. This year, the 3-Martini Playdate will get together and choose the finalists on Wednesday afternoon, which really means I am going to choose, because Jennifer can't count syllables after her second martini and Camilo's dad will just spend his time rifling through the whole bunch looking for Spanish haiku and cursing at us in his own colorful and ancient language.
To kick things off, here are two of my own:
Not a Good Sign
Just for my daughters
She keeps lollipops at hand
Liquor store cashier
By "Odd", I mean "Only"
My marital bed
Five bodies cannot fit there
Odd man out again
The winners will receive a big ol' bag of coffee and a Looky, Daddy! coffee mug (one of only two ever made) to drink it from. Submissions will be accepted until midnight EST Tuesday. Finalists will be posted for voting on Thursday morning.
Below Zero
Kids like apes climb walls
Too cold! No recess today.
Bitch winter appalls
Posted by: Lurky Mommy | March 01, 2009 at 08:32 PM
Poor little baby
Your vomit is in my hair.
Small Vesuvius!
I remember sleep.
I even remember sex.
Those were good times, yes?
Please! Just two minutes!
I don't need an audience
To use the toilet.
Posted by: Julia O'C | March 01, 2009 at 08:39 PM
Thing One & Thing Two:
A result of IVF.
No condoms? Thing 3.
Posted by: heidi | March 01, 2009 at 08:46 PM
Snow Day
Waiting for snow day
Xbox, Wii, Fist Fights and Tears
Shoveling looks good
Posted by: Jonathan's Mum | March 01, 2009 at 08:56 PM
Fashion Designer Age Seven
She will draw dresses
That Vera would love and yet
constant plumber butt
Posted by: Heidi number 2 but whose counting... | March 01, 2009 at 10:09 PM
When did my baby
become this raving jackass?
Good thing she's funny.
Mom wakes up, smiling...
Nothing can mess up this mood.
Ahh, must be Monday!
Kid, car, after school:
"I've got a letter for you
and it's nothing good."
(This one actually happened, though I added the "and.")
Posted by: Jen | March 01, 2009 at 10:28 PM
anatomy lesson
sis gave him new word
cashier, she is not laughing
perhaps no penis?
not a candy bar
jesus christ, FLUSH IT
you are seven years old, kid
blue swirl is your friend
otherwise it can take an hour
daycare gives him naps
i mostly skip them for the
five minute bedtime
Posted by: Sheri | March 01, 2009 at 10:52 PM
4:22 A.M.
Small knees in my back;
Sleep gone. He snores gently now.
A bad dream, he said.
ADD BOY AT 8 A.M.
"Finished your homework?
Brush your teeth and get your stuff."
"Mom, feel my muscle."
COLD GETS OLD
Where's the thumb pocket?
Are there NO left-hand mittens?
When will it be spring?
Posted by: Robyn | March 01, 2009 at 11:03 PM
Age four came with sass
Mule-headedness and some 'tude
Good thing the Toot's cute!
Posted by: Kritter Krit | March 01, 2009 at 11:28 PM
Wake-Up Call
Bleary-eyed at dawn
My toddler's feet on the stairs
Get me some coffee
Posted by: Jim K. | March 01, 2009 at 11:54 PM
Incognito
I just heard the news
Dad found me; Facebook, Twitter
Time to change my name
Go Away
I blog, he blogs too
I Tweeted, now he does - stalk!
Hubs is stalking me
Godzilla
We lost cable - sad.
Now TV is digital!
Loving crappy THIS network
Posted by: Trish/Astrogirl426 | March 02, 2009 at 12:01 AM
Eyes forward, I hear,
"Dad, that man's going pee, too!"
Public restroom fun
Posted by: Jim K. | March 02, 2009 at 12:02 AM
Awake at midnight
My wife and kids in their beds
Calm before the storm
Posted by: Jim K. | March 02, 2009 at 12:07 AM
Welcome back, even if it means pressure to actually create a haiku this year.
I'm horrible at doing things in a timely fashion-- I should have been using this down time to craft something worthy, but instead I read blogs.
Don't hold your breath waiting for me to squeak in under the wire on Tuesday.
Posted by: LiteralDan | March 02, 2009 at 03:56 AM
Two years old now
But fearless like a tiger
You prowl baby girl, growl.
Cranky Mia Mamma
Hear my words right back now
You don't talk to me Mum!
Posted by: Mia Mamma | March 02, 2009 at 07:03 AM
Be gentle, ya'll.
I'm a Haiku Virgin.
Here's my 1st stab:
401k
Cat, Dog, Baby too--
Had I a dime for each turd
A rich dame you’d view.
Posted by: KK | March 02, 2009 at 07:28 AM
The Truth of the Matter
Desperate for sleep
Wholly, utterly desperate
No sex for three weeks.
Posted by: Exurban Mom | March 02, 2009 at 10:00 AM
Alone, kids asleep
We seize the tender moment.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! How does she know?
Posted by: Nicole | March 02, 2009 at 10:21 AM
BREAST IS BEST?
Do your boobs hang low?
Do they wobble to & fro?
Suckers sing along...
Posted by: heidi | March 02, 2009 at 10:30 AM
Legos are breeding
Under chairs, ready to leap
Beneath my bare feet.
Jammies until noon
Many pancakes, more TV
Saturday morning
Mystery toy piece:
Lego? Transformer? K-nex?
Or vacuum fodder?
Posted by: Robyn | March 02, 2009 at 10:48 AM
Promising firstborn
To pay the medical bills.
Won't work 'cuz they're his.
Posted by: Nicole | March 02, 2009 at 11:09 AM
The Death of the Sea Monkeys
The sea monkeys died
A eulogy was held
They looked just like sperm
Posted by: CanadaSteph | March 02, 2009 at 11:23 AM
More ear infections;
Antibiotics don't work.
Are tubes the answer?
Posted by: becky | March 02, 2009 at 11:28 AM
I’m sure kids are fun.
I much prefer alcohol.
Cleaner and cheaper.
Posted by: knight | March 02, 2009 at 12:12 PM
Oh toddler tanrtums
The rage and the agony
Where is the corkscrew?
Posted by: Laurie | March 02, 2009 at 12:28 PM