Something Special

Well, if the ongoing haiku-a-thon has taught us anything, it is that parents are obsessed with poop. Really obsessed. I mean seriously, people. Poop, poop, and poop. That’s all that parenting is about, really. Which brings us to one of those questions that you never find in a parenting book, but you really need to know and answer before you ever even think about procreating.

Of course there are hundreds of questions that you and your spouse need to answer before you venture into the swampy morass of parenthood, but none are more important than the name question. No, I’m not talking about the name of your prospective child. You can name your child almost anything. Truly. You can name your wee one Princess Babylove, if you want. (And yes, it is important to state here that I do know a child named Princess Babylove. That is her name. Princess Babylove. I’m going to write it once more, because I know that each time I write it, it means that hundreds of readers will subsequently read it. Princess Babylove. Maybe if I write it again, LookyDaddy will shoot to the top of the list for any Google searches using the terms "Princess" and "Babylove." That would please me immensely. Princess Babylove.) Anyway, my point is that once you've said a name enough times, it's strangeness wears off. Any name, no matter how far-fetched or ridiculous it sounds, will, after you say it a few dozen times, seem perfectly normal.

"Hey, Kathryn. That was Princess Babylove’s mom on the phone. She invited you over for a playdate. Want to go?"

"A playdate with Princess Babylove! You bet!"

No, it is not your kids' names that should give you pause, it is the name of their poop.

For the first six years of your child’s life, there is nothing, no single substance, that you will speak of more than poop. It will pervade your discussions in the same way its odor pervades your house. You will talk about poop to your spouse, your friends, your baby, and sometimes, when your sanity is at more of an ebb than a flow, yourself. And thus, what you call it is of utmost importance.

You can choose to be edgy, cavalier, and cool by using grown-up names for your child’s excrement. This is, apparently, a popular tactic up here in the godless northeast, but I feel I would be doing my readers a disservice if I did not strongly warn against this. Remember, whatever you call it now is what your sweet darling will call it in five years. To their kindergarten teacher.

"Mrs. Doohickey? I need to take a dump."

You can go with the old American standby of "Number Two." This is a popular option, with many obvious benefits, but it does have the unfortunate side effect of reducing your kids to helpless giggles when they start to learn arithmetic. Plus I have learned from experience that most kids have absolutely no idea which number they need to make until they are actually making it, throwing the whole number system into chaos.

But whatever you do, don’t do what my friend’s parents did. My friend, whom I will call Andrew because that’s his name, had parents that went the cute route. They named it Something Special.

"Mommy, I need to go potty."

"Do you need to make Something Special?"

Andrew told me once that his parents' use of the Something Special moniker was so persistent and pervasive that, in his mind, those words will never refer to anything other than crap. Andrew is now in his forties and is still known to cringe when a waiter says, "Today we have Something Special on the menu."

The unknowing cruelty of these well-meaning parents becomes apparent very easily:

"Are you planning to do Something Special for your birthday?"

"Ho ho ho. Do you want Something Special for Christmas this year, little boy?"

"I made you Something Special for dinner."

"Why don’t we go back to my place? I’ve got Something Special in mind for you, big boy."

Andrew told me that he still feels uncomfortable flying a certain domestic air-carrier due to their mid-1980’s ad campaign, "We’re American Airlines. Something Special in the air."

I've been so tickled by Andrew's oft-repeated stories of poop-related horror and wonder that I am sorely tempted to make t-shirts for people in the know (that means you, Gentle Reader) like this:

   

You know, as I am reading over this before I post it, something I never do often enough, I am a little concerned that Andrew might not be too thrilled about me posting about him in this way. So, if you don't mind, Gentle Reader, can you go back and pretend that I've been using a pseudonym for him? Something manly, like Roger.

Or Princess Babylove.

Comments

[Emily]

Learning By Example

The funniest thing
My friend and fellow bloghead
You haikued dad poo

[The Dad]

In my house, the opportunity for The Dad to poo IS truly Something Special.

[JHC]

How could you say that the Northeast is "godless" when Jesus H. Christ Himself is a regular reader of your blog?

[The Dad]

JHC, you just post stuff like that to get me in trouble with my mother-in-law, don't you?

[scatteredmom]

Oh my, I laughed so hard I almost spit coffee on the computer screen. :P

Great post!

[How About Two?]

I can find humor in just about anything, so making me laugh is nothing special. But because I laugh so easily, I rarely (rarely) 'nose'.

The line "Mrs. Doohickey? I need to take a dump," made me 'nose' coke at my desk. At my desk, on my desk, on my shirt, on my pants...

I can't wait for the twins to be born and I can teach them the phrase 'take a dump'.

Oh yeah, I'll tell P.Pie I got it from you.

[JHC]

I don't know what you're talking about, The Dad... I mean, My Son.

[The Dad]

Okay, JHC. It was funny the first time. It was even funny the second time. But the third time? Aw, hell, it was funny that time, too.

[Cathie]

This is off the poop subject, but I want to throw 2 of my favorite names from my years as a nurse...
Damyah and
Shithead

hmmm...I'm not so sure I can even post the second name here, but it truly is someones name!!

[The Dad]

Cathie, I hate to call out one of my commenters, but the name Shithead (which, depending on who is relating the story, is either pronounced sha-THAYD or shaw-THAYD) is an urban legend. Every school I have taught at claims to have had a student by this name, and I have heard many other people claiming knowledge of such a person as well. Snopes.com, the internet leader in urban-myth debunking, mentions the name in a link here.

Damya, however, I have not heard before.

[Amy :)]

Being from Ohio, I run into a lot of overzealous OSU Buckeye fans. But I recently heard that one of them named their new daughter Scarlett Ann Grey. I suspect it's an urban legend as well, but then I think about some of the fans I've known...

As for poop, what's wrong with calling it poop? And if you think you talk about it a lot, try having a kid that just had a colostomy reversal and is now pooping normally for the first time! And by normally, I mean all up his back, all down his legs, getting his feet into it, etc.

[django's mommy]

That post was really, really Something Special. Still laughing.

[Sarah]

I have to throw in the phrase that my father-in-law uses when he has to go....GRUNT. He will excuse himself with this term. I have tried and tried to keep him from repeating this to my 3 year old, but he insists to do it just to annoy me. Asking him -- "did you go take a grunt?”
Oh, by the way we're from Texas - the state known for doing things big and loud. So this is being said where everyone in the restaurant can hear.

[Cathie]

I hate to break this to you, but I work for a Managed Medicaid insurance company and one of our members truly is named Shithead. This my friend is not an urban legend. This is first hand knowledge.

I work in the Quality Improvement department and we do chart reviews to determine immunizatoin status of our members who are 2 years old. One of the names we came across while performing the chart review was this name. We have actually compiled a list of odd, unusual, and just wrong names. This happens to be one of my favorites. Now I don't know how this is pronounced, as I'm only reviewing the medical records and have never met the actual person. But if the person truly does not exist, then someone is committing Medicaid fraud and I suppose I should be doing further investigation.

[The Dad]

Well, then, Cathie, I stand corrected. (Although I would certainly not put it out of the realm of fraud, either. If you do look into it, please keep us updated. I'd like to hear how it comes out.)

[DadEO]

The Wikipoopia™ is finally here...

For all you devoted Parents out there that have encountered some strange yet identifiable diaper loads.
It's simple:

1) Give the poop a creative name
2) Describe how to recreate its distinct character
3) Submit it to the The Wikipoopia™ website and they'll reconstruct your disaster!

Here's the example: ¡The Cesar Chavez! > Pressed Grapes & Beef Broth
(when your child goes wild in some fruit; ...you'll know it when you see it)