3-Martini Playdate

"You didn't."

"I did."

"Aw, hell," I said and excused myself to the kitchen to make a bowl of olives and a couple of martinis to go with them. This one was going to be ugly.

It was Thursday afternoon and Thursday afternoons mean two things in the Looky, Daddy! household: babies and martinis. It all started just under a year ago when I attended a night out for moms of multiples. It was me and about 15 moms of twins or triplets, drinking and eating, sharing stories to make blood run cold, and cursing our spouses. Each of the four types of moms was in attendance: Power moms, Working moms, Yoga moms, and Mom moms. And me, of course, The Dad.

One of the Yoga moms, whom we will call Jennifer because that's her name, was in awe of me. Absolute awe. She was sitting there, right next to me, and these big 'ol waves of awe were radiating out from her and toward me. Frankly, I wasn't surprised--I am, after all, The Dad. Okay, so it wasn't me per se that she was aweing over, it was my ability to get out of the house, twice a day, on time, in the dead of winter, with a 5-year-old and not-yet-one twins. She confessed that she and her 5-month-old twins never left the house, and on the few times she had tried, it had taken her hours to get everything together and each time she had eventually just given up, turned on Teletubbies, and wept bitter tears as she brewed herself a new pot of coffee, her third or fourth of the day.

An intervention was clearly required.

The problem, I told her, was not that she couldn't get out of the house, it was that she didn't have enough of an incentive to get out of the house. The only reason I had my crew out the door and into the car by 7:45 AM, I explained, was that doing so meant I earned myself one less child for the next 7 hours. So even if I had to drive to school in my flannel pajamas and houseshoes (which I did on countless occasions), I was getting out that door.

"What you need, Jennifer," I summed up, "is the right incentive to leave the house."

Thus the 3-Martini Playdate was founded. It has been going strong ever since.

I returned to the table with the bowl of olives and the fresh martinis. "Oprah? You TiVoed Oprah?"

Jennifer looked sheepish. "She had Julia Roberts on."

I gasped audibly. Julia Roberts was a name that hadn't been mentioned  in my house since the twins were born. Hearing it then, even when The Mom was safely far away in her office on Madison Avenue, sounded wrong, like a betrayal. For those of you who do not know, Julia Roberts has twins. In fact, she had twins at just about the same time that my wife, The Mom, had twins. And this is why her name is not mentioned in our house:

Before twins:

After twins:

Julia Roberts is a living, breathing assault to the self-esteem of twin-moms everywhere. The Mom mutters a curse and spits on the ground whenever she passes a photo of this hell-woman.

"Oh, that is so not good."

Jennifer begins the litany. "Did you know that six weeks after having her twins, Julia was already starting a new film?"

Six weeks after my twins were born, my wife still hadn't seen daylight. I remember one time when, in between the round-the-clock nursings, I opened the curtains of our bedroom only to have her bleat at me like a startled and blind veal-calf. I shut the curtains quickly. It was scary.

Those were dark, dark days.

"Please don't compare yourself to Julia Roberts. She's got nannies, housekeepers, handlers, personal trainers, and loads and loads of money," I pleaded.

"She claims her twins love each other," she countered.

We both stopped and look at our two sets of twins. Jennifer's were fighting over one of two identical toys. Mine were pulling each other's hair.

"She's probably not around them long enough to see this kind of stuff," I hypothesized. "Plus, her nannies probably keep each one in a separate wing of the house. Those kids probably don't even know they are twins."

"She said she likes her kids as much as she likes her friends," Jennifer continued.

"Sucky friends," I countered and raised my martini glass.

"She claims having twins has made her marriage stronger."

"This from a woman who married Lyle Lovett?"

"She even said the B word."

I cringe again. "Blessed?"

"Yes."

"Then she's dead to us. And to your TiVo."

"You're right. She's dead to us."

And we muttered a curse, spit on the floor, and clinked our martini glasses together.

Then, while Jennifer got up to rescue one child who was being sat upon by the other three, I got up to make another bowl of olives. And two more martinis to go with them.

Comments

[Sue]

Everytime I see some awesome uber-toy that I could never afford to buy for my twins (or have the indoor space for), I always think to myself, "I bet Julia's twins are playing with that right now."

[Gail I'm-Not-Their-Grandmother Luther]

Personally, I think Julia's twins are imaginery. There is no way that woman gave birth to two babies at once. She made it all up as a publicity stunt.

[John]

I am amazed you have memories of those early days. In true PTSD fashion I have blocked that entire time. When my wife tries to remind me of something it's like that scene from Weird Science where Gary has been erased from his father's memory. "You remember. They're our sons, Grant and Dean."

I also have to say that my wife and I love the Supernanny type shows for the exact opposite reason that you hate Julia Roberts. They ALWAYS have a family with twins and it's so nice to know that there are people out there doing so much worse than us. No offense to anyone reading who has been featured on any of those shows.

[Kate]

I was going to invite myself for martinis, but after the Julia rant, I'm keeping my scrawny ass on my side of the bay. I'll try not to mention that even without personal trainers and nanny's I was back to my pre-twins weight in two months. *ducks*

But really, who has time to eat with twins?

[The Mom]

It's not so much about the pre-pregnancy weight. It's more about the pre-pregnancy shape. I actually weigh less than I did pre-pregnancy and have a smaller waist (breastfeeding--so many benefits!). But if I bend over my stomach flops out like a female cat that's been fixed. It's unnerving to say the least. And look at her! She’s had her hair done: I haven’t even had a trim in 8 months. If I’m not at work, I’m on duty. Sadly they don’t carry my size at The Children’s Place so I don’t have any new clothes: I’m starting to look threadbare. And hell, she’s SITTING DOWN in the picture!! I bet at some point in the same day that photo was taken, she ate a full meal without rushing bites in between feeding others, read a book for pleasure, and had a full, adult conversation with her husband.

[The Dad]

Um, sweetie, just a reminder. You never had an adult conversation with me even before we had kids.

[Jennifer (yeah, the one comparing herself to Julia)]

As for the pre- vs. post-pregnancy weight issue, I am also lighter than I was before twins. In fact, I lost exactly HALF the preggo weight just by giving birth to my monstrous girls! Breastfeeding did the rest. And spending the last 18 months eating not much more than whatever the twins drop onto the floor from their highchairs took off the extra 10 pounds. But like The Mom, I would gladly take back the ten pounds in exchange for my pre-twins flat belly and perky chest.

By the way, The Mom clearly needs to play hooky from work and join us for martinis! And Kate, your scrawny ass is most certainly welcome to cross the bay anytime... as long as you blog about it.

[Kate]

If I could move the belly flap back up to my boobs, I'd be happy.

And of course I would blog about going to Joowsey, that is assuming I'm sober enough to type! Actually the last time I was up that way I was pregnant with the boys...

[John]

The Dad, are you going to surrender the blog of such a MANLY man so full of maleness that you fathered twins to rants about getting back to prepregnancy weight and boobs hanging down to your belly and flabby fixed female cat bellies?!?!?! If this descends into plastic surgery before and after stories it is going to cost me BIG! My wife has been dropping hints about the tummy tuck to fix the flabby fixed cat belly thing since about 2.7 seconds after the twins were delivered. Please stop this before I am living on Ramen.

[sasha]

Yikes. You all are living my worst nightmare and have nothing but my respect and condolances. I am grateful every day that my little monsters came in one's.

And Julia? She always gave me hairballs, even before the twins.

[How About Two?]

Uhm, you guys are freaking me out.

Is it too late to say no to twins? Perhaps we can just sell one on the black market.

Does anyone know how to contact the baby black market? And what's the going rate?

[How About Two?]

BTW, not the body shape thing... it's the other stuff. Not seeing the light of day, not being able to get it together to get out of the house, etc.

[Kate]

The not seeing the light of day thing isn't permanent. But twice the hugs is! (I think that was the most gag-a-rific thing I've ever typed.)

[The Mom]

I agree with "How About Two." It's really not about the body shape.
And John, you need to get her thinking about it this way:
1 Tummy Tuck: $8,500, 6 weeks of recovery, and possible complications
Developing a corset fetish: $150
A $5 pair of control top pantyhose: priceless

[Tammy]

If I went to a 3 Martini playdate, you would probably have to do an intervention and steal my car keys.LOL! I haven't had anything to drink in soooo long, one drink would do me in. I've become a wuss.

[Jennifer (yeah, the one comparing herself to Julia)]

How About Two: Not only is that not seeing the light of day thing impermanent, it also happens when you have only one baby at a time (or so I've heard).

[Sharon with J and N from Twinstuff]

Can I start by saying that I am an avid reader and fan of your blog (and I’m not just saying that because my “people” suggest that it will help me gain a solid footing in the non-celebrity twin community). I have to say that your depiction of me as a hands-off mom could not be further from the truth. The twins are not whisked off to different wings in my mansion (er, um, home)…they are softly and gently nurtured under their mother’s giant metaphorical wings. Wings of love. There are few times that I am not physically embracing them, or playing age appropriate games with them while teaching them whatever it is they should know at this age. Why just the other day, I was talking with them about how lucky they are to have an amazing mother like me. One of the little things said to me “Mom, you are truly unique. You are the soft, spiritual, angelic image of motherhood that every twins mom should aspire to”. If you don’t believe that children of my age could speak these words (or even talk for that matter), then feel free to view the undoctored video that captured them. After I send you this manufactured evidence, (um, I mean cute candid video), you could post it on your site with a humble apology and retraction of the “She’s dead to us” comment. Maybe you could change it to “She’s just like any other twins mom, only much much better”. If you leak the video to the press, I may even agree to come to one of your 3-martini thingamajiggies (sans children of course).

With thanks for helping me re-direct my public image to include goddess of motherhood,
Julia Roberts

[The Dad]

Okay, no more comments that make me spew my coffee (or gag on it for that matter, Kate). This post has officially gotten out of hand.

[Katie]

It's not Julia Roberts who gets me...it's that Angelina Jolie. Working mom, sleeping with Brad Pitt, saving orphans, working with United Nations to save the world, and completely stunning. At least Julia keeps mostly quiet.

[The Godfather]

Okay... back up, back up!

How do you have time for 3-martini-playdates? I only have one baby I don't have time for 3 drinks of anything much less a playdate. I'm lucky if I can chug a Shiner between changing diapers and doing loads of laundry.

[oona]

I hate her. I even met her once, total bi#$%! However, I have 4 month old twins and I am less than pre-pregnancy weight. It does happen... nursing is what I credit... and good genes.

[just twins]

you have time to WEIGH YOURSELVES?

[Renata Jass]

I've been thinking about this particular post for ages. Mainly I wanted to comment that last time I saw the Mom, I thought she looked STUNNING. So I was a little suprised when first reading this post, but then glad to see her comments. Also, I can affirm that the not-seeing-the-light-of-day thing happens to singleton moms, too. Especially if you have any other kids. Same for the flabby tummy thing. And I too went through a phase of intense dislike for Ms. Roberts, but mine was born of a different source of envy - news of her twins' birth was everywhere, just when I learned that my "Baby B" was gone. Blah.

[melissa]

Yes, I want to kick Kate's scrawny ass. My twins are 19 months old and I am having a hell of a time getting rid of the weight. And I ate very healthy before, during, and after the pregnancy. So put that up your scrawny ass and blow it.......JULIA and Kate!