At Least I Got a Copy of the Home Game

Before the twins, I had never won anything in my life.

I'd never had my name drawn at random; never been the seventh caller; never shouted out BINGO! and walked away with a brand-new TV/VCR combo.

I did win second place in a raffle once. The prize was a lifetime supply of Turtle Wax, which I learned, when I went to claim my prize, was exactly zero cans. When I complained, the guy in charge asked me honestly how much Turtle Wax I was planning to use in my lifetime, and I was forced to admit that zero sounded pretty much right on the money.

When the twins were born, my luck changed. The twins were born, you see, on New Year's Day. In fact, they were the first babies born in our town on that day, and, while there was no ticker-tape parade through the town, we did get our picture on the front page of the local paper and a grand announcement that we were the winners of the First Baby (in our case, babies) of the New Year contest. Accompanying our article was a moderately long list of all of the prizes that would soon be showered upon us.

Not that we cared, mind you. We were hurting. I would not be lying if I told you, Gentle Reader, that those first few months home with the twins (and Kathryn, who was four at the time) were some of the darkest times I have ever experienced. Three months earlier we had uprooted our family from our home in Austin and moved into a small duplex in New Jersey, not knowing a single soul in, and I am NOT exaggerating here, the entire tri-state area.

Our nearest family was 1500 miles away.

We were in a bad place.

We would have been equally happy if, instead of showering us with gifts, the newspaper photographer had watched the girls for a few minutes so that we could shower ourselves with water.

But the photographer did not bring the gifts. Nor did she give us a moment to freshen up before snapping the pictures. No, The Mom and I will be forever memorialized on the front page of that newspaper looking like a pair of lab animals who were just one more experiment away from being discarded as useless. The babies, bless them, screamed themselves hoarse through the whole shebang and Kathryn looked like she was seriously considering hiding herself in the photographer's camera bag and making a break for it.

Winning prizes for having babies seems a dubious honor at best. In the past I've always been skeptical about parents who had the first baby of the year, like maybe they had circled March 26th on their calendar with the words "Screw Now for Free Stuff!" or the mother had performed some sort of Herculean feat by either fending off labor until New Year's Day or just pushing really hard once the day arrived. In my mind, I always had the feeling that it was the father who was actually behind the whole thing, coaxing his wife into having the baby at just the right moment. That just seems like such a dad thing to do.

In reality, though, babies are born on New Year's Day just like they are on any other day: there's broken water, contractions, breathing, and 'fuck you's to smart alec husbands who think of really good jokes to tell at really inopportune times.

A month or two went by before either The Mom or I wondered about the prizes. Another month went by before The Mom called about them. The reporter who had written our story (with, I might add, an almost inspired lack of factual information) gave us a phone number for the gatekeeper of the free goodies. He was out when we called and so The Mom left a voice mail.

He never called us back.

And that's where we left it. We were too tired to pursue it further.

Now the babies are about to turn two. On New Year's Day. It won't mean that much to them this year, but soon they will think it is really cool that people around the world go nuts and get all sloppy and smoochy on the exact minute that marks the beginning of their special day.

And so what if we never got any prizes? We didn't really earn them anyway. Still, I wonder sometimes if somewhere there's a little man, sitting at his little desk, with his little red voice-mail light blinking on his little phone, in a little office piled high with dusty two-year-old free baby swag, thinking, "You know, I really need to call that lady back."

If I ever have a free moment, maybe I'll track down his number and call him.

Right after I Turtle Wax my car.

Comments

[Petunia]

It's not that you don't win stuff. It's that you're holding out for the "Big Win," maybe Powerball size?? My ex- had his name pulled at a raffle at our base's BX, and his prize was an 8-ft, fat Paddington Bear. Cute, huh? It barely fit into his truck. He felt like a fool driving home with it. Took up most of Brian's room. I found out years later that Bri was sleeping on the floor as the damn bear filled his bed! Kid woulda been much happier with a 20" toy he could have carried about!

[Kate]

Psst, Looky Daddy: Your math is a little off. Conceived on March 26th = born on Dec 17th, or there abouts. I only know this randomly off the top of my head because March 26th happens to be my brothers birthday and my parents did all the celebrating. Nine months later, on Dec 17th (and a wee bit late, too) here I am.

[The Dad]

I was counting weeks. 40 weeks before Jan 1st is March 26th. Either your parents had a little pre-party celebration, or you weren't as late as you thought.

Or you are so old they were still using the 10-month calendar. Was this before Julius and Augustus?

[Kate]

Physically a pregnancy doesn't actually last 40 weeks. The first two weeks are from the start of mom's period to the day she conceived, approximately. So minus two weeks from Jan 1st and you get Dec 18.

If you use March 26th as a conception date, you have to subtract two weeks. If you use it as the "first day of last period" date, then yes, due date would be around Jan 1st. Make sense?

[Kate]

Then again, seeing how old my mom is, it's possible she was still using the 10-month calendar.

[EOMama]

Kate, your explanation makes sense to ME, but perhaps you're forgetting that The Dad is a guy. I could hear his eyes glazing over as I read your comment... ha ha!

Happy New Year, everyone!

[The Dad]

Okay, okay. I give.

But I must say that this kind of scrutiny pretty much renders a humor blog useless. First your mom chimes in telling me about I really have won stuff, and now you are jumping in with my lack of understanding of a woman's menstrual cycle. Enough!

Does Dave Barry have to work under these conditions?

[Diane]

Early happy b-day wishes to the wonder(ful) twins. And congrats to you, The Dad, for providing an insightful and always-entertaining read. Here's to great things for all of you for '07! (And oh yes, The Mom, here's to you, for "letting" The Dad tell the world about your daily lives and still be able to laugh about all of it!)

[Kate]

Sorry Looky Daddy! I have no control over my Mom. As for myself, I have little control over that too. My twins made me do it, yeah that's it... And yes, occasionally Dave Berry has to work under the same conditions.

Behold the almighty uterus! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8dc_lo-99o

[John]

Has everyone heard that Julia is expecting again? How wonderful for her and her staff of nannies. Have you started planning a gift yet, The Dad?

[The Dad]

Julia is expecting again?

Oh, boy. Where's my vodka?

[Kate]

I have some!!

[How About Two?]

Seems a tad unfair; a young family, new to town and no familial support to speak of. Then, the local rag makes up story facts to get 'color' and the family gets squat.

[Sofa King]

From this New Years Baby to yours....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It was very cool growing up with a 'special birthday' but it did have it's downside too. Everyone was always late to my party because their parents were a little 'hung over'. And all the cool places, like roller rinks were closed ...so all my parties were 'home parties'. I never could take cupcakes into school, because we never had school on my birthday, and there always seemed to be inclement weather....(or maybe that's my cloudy childhood memories.)

The upside...it's I always got double kisses at midnight! (and still do!) And most people remember my birthday.

Happy Birthday to your little double duet! I'm SOFA KING excited to know I share something special with them! :heart