I Should Have Stolen Her Purse and Run

It was Saturday afternoon and I was sitting outside our local cookie joint with my six-year-old Kathryn, munching on M & M cookies and washing them down with chocolate milk.

15 minutes later, we were both signing release forms.

In between these two events, a group of strangers and I intervened to prevent a very drunk woman from getting into her car and driving away. With her twins.

It was a pretty run-of-the-mill intervention. Three of us, a husband and wife and myself, went over to a woman who was apparently horrifically intoxicated as she was trying to load her shopping bags into her car that was parked just in front of the cookie joint. (Shopping while drunk--a very bad move, but perfectly understandable during the holiday season.) Of the three of us, the gentleman acted first by leaning in and deftly taking the drunk woman's keys, while I, well, lent moral support. And then I tried unsuccessfully to find someone with a cell phone with which to call the cops, because of course I had forgotten to bring mine.

In fact, now that I think about it, I didn't do anything at all except, um, watch the woman first load her twins into the car and then stagger around looking for her keys which were, as I mentioned, now in the possession of the guy who, unlike me, had found a person with a cell phone and was now calling the cops. Just for good measure, I did stand in front of the drunk woman's car just in case it got all Stephen King on me and came to life on its own. How standing there would have helped I'm not really sure, but I did it anyway. I probably looked like a dork.

Just how dorky I looked is something you, Gentle Reader, can decide for yourself, because it turned out the whole thing was a set-up. After we waited 10 minutes or so for the cops to show, all the while assuring the almost non-functional woman that we had no idea where her keys were, we were surprised instead by those crazy cats from ABC who were filming the whole thing for PrimeTime Live. People came out of nowhere, swarming us with cameras and release forms. The woman, whom I thought was on the verge of being sick all over the street, became instantly sober, smiled at us, and went inside for a coffee. The twins climbed out of the back of the car and were congratulated on their excellent performance.

As for me, I declined an on-camera interview and instead opted to sit back down and finish my cookie and milk with my big girl, who having watched the whole thing, was understandably very, very confused and had a big 'ol bunch of questions for her daddy about the "funny lady" and all of the TV cameras.

So now, as I have had time to digest and ruminate over those very chaotic moments, I keep asking myself one question: Knowing now that my actions were being captured on camera and are soon going to be broadcast nationally, could I have come up with anything better to do than stand in front of the car like a dorky potential human speed-bump?

The answer, surprisingly, comes from my mother-in-law. She, being the omniscient reporter of all things unpleasant, told me this evening about an incident over the summer in which a man, confronted by a tradegy which clearly called for his intervention, stepped up and seized the moment. And then ran with it.

Witness Takes Victim's Wallet After Car Crash

On Sunday, August 14, 2006, at 6:26 a.m., Southeast Precinct officers and members of the East County Vehicle Collision Team responded to a serious injury collision at the intersection of Southeast 12th Avenue and East Burnside Street.

Initial witness statements indicate that an Isuzu Rodeo, traveling northbound on Southeast 12th Avenue, collided with a TriMet bus traveling westbound on East Burnside Street.

The collision forced the Isuzu into a Ford Focus and Chrysler minivan that were stopped at a red light facing southbound on Southeast 12th Avenue.

During the collision, a 36-year-old male was ejected from the Isuzu. He then sustained life-threatening injuries when he struck the minivan after being ejected from the Isuzu.

After the person ejected from the Isuzu collapsed on the ground, 66-year-old Marvin Lewis, who was walking nearby at the time of the collision, took the victim's wallet from his pocket.

Arriving officers arrested Lewis and recovered the wallet. Lewis was arrested on one count of Theft in the Second Degree and transported to the Justice Center jail.

At least next time I'll know what to do.

By the way, the episode of PrimeTime should air on December 27th. I'm the one in the Mets cap.

Comments

[How About Two?]

You should have done the interview and named dropped LookyDaddy.com. :-)

[Kate]

It's a shame you weren't wearing one of those "I'm blogging this" t-shirts. http://www.thinkgeek.com/oreilly/tshirts/5eb7/

[Anne Prince]

Wow - here I was cheering you on for doing the right thing. Actually I'm stil cheering you on - I think many of us have been in uncomfortable situations (not necessarily with a drunk), but perhaps an out of control parent screaming at their kid and honestly we usually look away or tsk-tsk under our breath.

Kudos to you for acting the way you did.

[Nix]

Hey,
I got duped on Sunday, as well. It's interesting to see that there were men that stepped up. After recounting the story to my boss he pointed out that 'only women would step up to do something like that'. I think it was more just who was around.

I hope your little girl wasn't too disturbed.

[Howard]

Wait a sec. Don't you get weekends off or something? You're still on cookie duty on Sundays??

[The Dad]

Howard, I can think of very few better ways to spend a weekend off than going out for cookies and milk with my oldest.

I could do without all the paparazzi, though.

[AmazngJ]

Primetime is going to owe a ratings bump to the LD readers waiting for a glimpse of "The Dad."