Like the Bellagio, Without the Gawking Tourists

God mocks me. It is time to potty train the twins, and God mocks me.

My wife, God bless her, took Friday off of work to help. Somewhere she got the idea that potty training can be done in one long, 3-day weekend. We've had discussions about this.

"It took way longer than that with Kathryn, you know."

"No it didn't, remember? You read something online about potty training your child in 24 hours, and that's what we did. Kathryn was potty trained in a day."

It is when The Mom speaks like this that I realize why she was in favor of having more kids.

Back when I used to read, I read a British study about pregnant women and brain mass. (It shocks me now that I used to read so frivolously. Ooh, a British medical study! Maybe it will both entertain and inform me. I think I'll read it. Now if I were confronted with even a small paragraph, just a few sentences, really, with the giant, bold title READ THIS OR DIE WITHIN FIVE MINUTES, I probably wouldn't be able to finish it all in one go. Granted, given my current status, that might not be entirely unintentional.) The study showed compelling evidence that women lose brain mass during the third trimester of their pregnancy. Their brain actually shrinks. The study added that further research was necessary to determine if the missing mass is ever restored. But, come on, we all know the answer to that question, don't we?

So anyway, on Friday, my thrice-brain-shrunk wife and I undertook the monumental task of potty training twins.

At first it went well, but then The Mom and I began hallucinating. With our nose. "I smell poop. Do you smell poop?" But there was no poop. "Just a toot!" the babies would squeal then head to the nearest corner, arms flailing all the way. "Just a toot!"

But it wasn't toots either. What it was, in fact, was the slowly rising level of sewage in our basement.

God mocks me.

When I lived in Texas, the most liquid I had ever seen on a floor was when someone spilled a water glass. Not so anymore. I'm not sure whose idea it was, but this Northeastern habit of digging a giant bucket beneath a house, then filling it with pipes--pipes older than me, pipes hammered out by a smithy, pipes forged while the Romans were still completing their vast system of aqueducts, pipes containing sewage and needing to be under the ground--and calling that bucket a "basement" is easily the worst idea I've ever encountered. Or lived above.

The level of sewage in our basement was only a modest eighth of an inch deep when we finally discovered the source of the smell, but it was growing very fast. There was a fountain, an incredible fountain of muck, spraying about a foot into the air, in a beautiful, brown arc, from the side of our main sewer pipe. My wife found it first.

"Bucket!" I think she tried to yell, but it came out sounding more like, "EEEEEWWWWWBBBBBBLLLLLUUUUURRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

Bucket after bucket we filled and dumped into our basement sink. We scrambled around, shutting off toilets, turning off the dishwasher, and yet the spume of dirty water continued, sometimes slowing to a trickle, sometimes a raging geyser. And, in all honesty, while the geyser was far more disgusting than the trickle, at least it was easier to catch with a bucket.

When it slowed, we'd take the full bucket away, and pour it down the sink, then run back to catch the inevitable resurgent jet of sewage. This cycle of slowing trickle, emptying the bucket, then raging geyser went on for an incredibly long time, at least two iterations of the Baby Mozart DVD that was currently pacifying the twins upstairs, before The Mom, even in her brain-shrunken state, realized that the sewage we were catching was most likely the very same sewage we were emptying out into the utility sink.

I'm unaware if there's ever been a study of brain-mass loss in husbands of pregnant women. I'm not sure there needs to be.

So once we started dumping our buckets outside, the fountain slowed down and eventually stopped altogether. After that,plumbers were called, pipes were snaked, clogs were removed, and sewage was mopped.

Babies, however, were not potty trained. We've had enough raw sewage for one weekend.

Comments

[karyn]

God is mocking you. He is also mocking me.

Today my husband and I started a small bathroom reno, which involves the toilet sitting in the bathtub for a few days while we redo the floors.

Tonight my daughter decided to barf more than I have ever seen a human barf. And we have no bathtub to clean her in.

When He mocks, he indeed leaves no doubt that there is mocking to be done.

Best wishes on the potty training, once the sewer trauma subsides.

[Shiri]

Potty training was the most frustrating thing I had to do to date, and it took us almost 3 weeks. But when it started to work - it was like a miracle. I'm still surprised every time he goes to use the loo instead of just making a puddle in the living room. (You have no idea how much restraint it took not to write this one as a limerick)

[Amber]

Would I be mocking you if I shared that my son potty trained himself, at 34 months? I left him naked to run upstairs to get something and when I came back he was on the potty. I almost fell down the stairs in shock. He has been going ever since. not an accident...in 6 months.

yep, that sounds like mocking. sorry about that.

[Shortie]

Oh. We are potty trained here (so that is a distant memory) and trying to keep away from Victoria's Secret (a different underwear war). But the sewage in the basement is fresh (if I may say so) in my mind since we seem to have a yearly date with the roto-rooter man. Yes, god is mocking you. This should not have happened on potty-training weekend. They say that bleach sterilizes everything but I find that vodka works better; particularly cleansing for the psyche.

[Petunia]

Never heard of potty-training in 3 days. Maybe I was too deep in poop to read that book - and no internet "back in the day." Did have one child, though, that took so long, I asked my husband, "Just how "basic" is Basic Training?" in hopes that perhaps the Army would potty-train him. I wondered where I would find diapers with a 32-inch waist.
Next child (girl) was trained in record time. Perhaps it was because her entire life, up to that point, was spent watching my attempts at training her brother. I bought fancy panties with lacy ruffles on the butt, asked her to keep them clean, and she did. Done!

[Wheezy]

When I was pregnant with the first, a co-worker told me her babysitter potty-trained her daughter for her in one day. Just came to pick the child up at 5:30 and was told "she's potty-trained now." I thought that sounded great, looked forward to a similar experience. HAH! My kids were finally potty trained at around 3. Funny line from the oldest, though - one day I was sorta muttering about "when will you decide to use the potty?" and she said "Maybe when the potty train comes I'll use the potty after that?" That's what she thought it was, a train that would coming chugging in. All I could say was "Get on board, little children!"

[Anne Prince]

Wow - sounds like you had a real shitty weekend!

Awww c'mon - I couldn't resist it!

Thank goodness mine are waaaay past that stage. Of course with my oldest (18), I'm at the birth control before he goes off to college traning part -LOL!

[KatieG]

This morning was one of those rare occasions where my son decided to sleep past 5:30am (perhaps because he was awake TWICE last night.) But did I get to enjoy this? No, I woke up to the sound of wretching coming from under the bed & the dog barfing up a grass banana. Nothing beats scrubbing dog vomit out of the carpet at 6am! Yes, I believe God has been making the rounds...

[Leah]

Wouldn't The Mom merely be twice-brain-shrunk (a possible upside of twins)?

[Karly]

LMAO at the thought of you filling the bucket and dumping it, only to refill it with the same CRAP again. That is too funny. Sounds like something that we would do. Can't stop giggling about that.

Oh, and my husband has that same 24 hour potty training thought your wife had. We tried it with my son. Left him naked for a full 24 hours and, no...it didn't work. Not at all.

[Vikki]

If you had trained the twins in a weekend, I was going to ask if I could ship my 21 month old daughter to you. I'd pay shipping of course...

[Wheezy]

A different woman I used to work with got desperate as her first child approached age 4 and still wasn't potty trained. They did the whole weekend naked with lots of juice and water thing (child naked, adult not). It sounded harrowing - there was a lot of yelling, apparently. It worked. At almost 4, I would think almost anything would work.

I always used to say that if they weren't potty-trained by the time they had to go to college I would just pay for the course.

[Amy]

Oh dear! Not fun :( Let the potty-training go at it's own course, or frustration will be the winner.

[Karen]

I was very frustrated as well with potty training. When I was researching potty training a common theme seemed to be praise and positive reinforcement. I came across a website called www.pottytrainingrewards.com. We hung it in the kitchen and named the little boy on the front of the package, Bobby. My son could not wait to go to the potty so he could push the button, hear the praising message, and get his chocolate reward from, Bobby. It really got my son excited about using the potty himself and it was fun for him. Because he became so involved, potty training was easy. So give it a try. GOOD LUCK!

[Angela]

Hi,

Just delurking to comment. Your posts are hilarious.

Potty training--days filled with dread, stress, wet pants, sodden floors, the smell, the chaos, the running to the potty, the cajoling, pleading, begging, bribing and threatening. Sending you good thoughts and hope the training goes quickly. So sorry about the poopy weekend, with nothing but a smelly basement to show for it.

I'm so glad my children are past that stage, though my 5 year old still wets the bed...thank goodness for pull-ups...do they make them in extra-extra large??!!

[Jess]

Oh man, buckets of unending sewage. That's got to be worse than poop in the eye.

[Holly]

I'm scared now... we're about to potty train our two-year-old twins. My husband's comment every time he changes a poopy diaper is, "WHEN are we potty training?" Then a gal at church tells us she trained her daughter in a week. Any suggestions for doing this with twins, anyone?

[monster mama]

GAGGGGGGGG(!) I could damn near smell the spew through my screen......but I admit the visual was great!

Lucy (now age 2 and 2 months) has been using the potty since she could waddle there (at 11 months)-anything to compete with big brother! While she still wears pull-ups and has made quite a few puddles on the hardwoods-she ALWAYS poops in the pot! She will pee in a pull up because MOM is lazy about those things when we're out. Peyton, who's now 6 had me throwing my hands (and his soiled underwear) in the air. Boys are SO damn hard! GOD! I thought he'd never get it......alas, the silver lining of the cloud showed....but it was hell getting there.

I wish you and The Mom tons of luck.....I am all about letting them run buck naked.....Lucy does and it has helped....I just need to get her that last 5% when were out and about and we'll be done. Knock that martini back and hop to it........

[Tuesday]

It took me a long time to potty train my twins also. I finally realized I had to train my daughter first who was ready then my son joined in when he was all the attention his sister got.

[Not Erin]

Delegate, delegate, delegate.
Why not let Kathryn do the dirty work. Get her to potty train the twins in exchange for ice cream. With chocolate syrup and sprinkles, no less.
I potty trained myself (before age 2) by copying an older girl I admired at daycare. If Lila and Victoria want to be big like Kathryn, that could work for you.
Good luck!

[django's mommy]

A "chocolate reward" for successful potty training, Karen? EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

[Tammy from Twinstuff]

That's sounds like the weekend from hell. I think you and The Mom need to make a big batch of martini's and take the day off. Good luck with the potty training. I won't be attempting that for a long time. They might still be wearing diapers when they go to the prom.

[amy]

1. I'd think the Mom would only be twice-shrunk brain, having been pregnant only twice.
2. I sort of resent that entire study. I thought we'd all agreed to keep the fact that brain cells migrated right to the uterus amongst ourselves. I had no idea anyone had let researchers in on that.
3. Potty training. Hmm. What a joke. I always felt that they're not gonna do it until they want to do it. No sense chasing a kid around to catch them in the act. (Who's being trained then exactly?)
4. I've had water up to my thighs in a basement but never, thankfully, poop. Of course, all our poop goes into a big hole in the yard... AND we have to pay a hefty contract for the care and upkeep of said hole, because apparently it is a fancy shmancy super environmentally safe poop hole.
5. Hope next weekend is better. Sorry for the numbered list. I think that way sometimes.

[Stephanie]

Just did the 24-hr potty training thing with my 2yo girl. It actually worked. Well, not exactly within 24-hours, but we were pretty much accident-free within a week. I say go for it. I didn't train my older daughters until much later (close to 3yo) and it was way more difficult. This time I offered M&Ms as a reward for her successes and a pair of expensive shoes for mine! Bribery is equally effective for children and adults.

[Sharon with J and N from Twinstuff]

I'd really like to have the scientific data on that brain shrinking thing. I think it would be a welcome defense when presented with the moronic things I have done both at work and at home. However, even with my decreased capacity for figurin' and stuff, I would never have been naive enough to think I could toilet train my twin girls by taking a Friday off. I took the Friday AND the Monday.

(Three months later we were almost there.)