Angering the Karma Gods

I should not have complained, but I did. And the karma gods heard me. And punished me.

I've been punished before by the karma gods. Once, outside a Home Depot, I realized that I had just walked out with a pocketful of newly-made house keys for which I had not paid. I should have turned back around and paid for them, but I didn't. The karma gods were watching and took action and when I got home, not a single one of those new keys fit my front door.

Do I believe that the keys would have worked had I gone back and paid for them? Without a doubt.

This time the karma gods were more creative. And more evil.

This morning, I had asked The Mom to add one thing to my shopping list: Coffee. She didn't. She forgot. It wasn't her fault. Our kids have reduced both of us to the kind of people who go to the kitchen to get a spoon and end up standing in front of the refrigerator for three hours, looking from shelf to shelf trying to remember why we opened it in the first place. By the time she made it all the way over to the shopping list, The Mom's attention span had been reached. I'm sure she stood there, silent, maybe chewing absently on her finger, trying to think of something we needed. In a sudden flash of inspiration, she wrote not coffee, but "New Cereal for Mom," because she's been wanting to take some to work, which is where she always has breakfast because she leaves this house in such a rush every morning you'd think it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

Pleased with her addition to the shopping list, I have no doubt that she scampered away, clicking her heels like a leprechaun as she went.

Coffee is sacred. Coffee is my only friend on these dark winter days at home. One afternoon not long ago, I sat exhausted on the couch and Victoria approached me. "Beep! Beep! Beep!" she said, each beep accompanied by a little hop. "Beep! Beep! Beep! I coffeemaker!" Then she looked at me with a two-year-old's concern and said, "Daddy happy now?"

So this evening, as I unpacked the bags from yet another laugh-a-minute shopping trip with twins and realized that I had no coffee for tomorrow, I may have complained to The Mom a little. I might have said a few disparaging remarks. I may have implied that she didn't care about my needs since her Madison Avenue office no doubt had a staff of underpaid immigrant workers on hand to keep their coffeemakers filled and ready. I may have mentioned the number of times "Starbucks" appeared on her credit card bill last month. I may even have mentioned that I was glad she could remember to include things that she wanted, like new cereal--

and that is when the karma gods heard me.

"You mean this?" The Mom asked, holding up the box of cereal I had bought.

And there it was, sprawled in enormous letters across the top of the box, right above the name "Cinnamon Cluster Crunch," a logo that I swear was not there when the box caught my eye at the store, a logo that the karma gods had obviously planted there not seconds before:

"Weight Watchers"

And if I'd had just a little more coffee in my system, I might have been able to duck fast enough.

Comments

[Michell]

Oooh wow, the karma Gods really did get you this time didn't they. Hopefully they are all done for now.

[Petunia]

She threw the cereal box at ya? Damn glad she didn't send you out for a cast-iron skillet!

[The Godfather]

At least it was "weight watchers" cereal, so it weighed a little less than a normal box!

[Karly]

Ooh, those karma gods sure taught you a lesson that time!

[Carolyn]

We know you didn't mean it, The Dad. It was the lack of coffee in your system.

[Amy]

payback's a b****

[Swimming In Laundry]

As I sit here sipping my Starbucks latte, I have to wonder if you'll be "blessed" with decaf coffee on your next trip to the store... just a thought/warning.

[John]

My wife signed me up for weight watchers for Father's Day a few years ago. I lost 50 lbs. She got pregnant with twins. How's that for kharma?

[NewsLady]

I'm sure you hear it all the time but I read your blog every day and: YOU'RE WONDERFUL! Even without coffee. Keep up the good work.

[EOMama]

Good thing you already had that vasectomy.

[Monkee]

Well played, The Mom, well played.

[nutmeg]

Your mistake would have been forgivable if you had not had coffee the day of your shopping trip, but...

[Nicole]

Perhaps as an assist to both you and The Mom, you might sign up for Dunkin Donuts coffee delivery service. They send you a couple lbs of coffee each month. We use the service for their tea and it is totally worth it.

Enjoy! Also, just a personal recommendation: DD coffee is WAY better than 'bucks

[Ella's mom]

As long as the DD coffee is mail order, it might work. The last visit to DD The Dad blogged about had me laughing so hard I was bent over.... Is that place still off limits, the Dad?

[Loren]

Weird - I just posted about Karma on my site a few minutes ago. It's a sign.

I think Home Depot is either full of idiotic employees or geniuses who are testing costumers' honesty. Last summer I "bought" three huge bags of grass seed at $23/each, only to find out they didn't charge for them, just our retaining blocks. Normally a very honest person, I decided that it was his mistake and not to drive the half hour back to give them the money. (MY mistake!) When we seeded our new lawn, nothing but water weeds grew. Talk about getting what I deserved.

[Amy :)]

I can only imagine the look on The Mom's face as she showed you the cereal box. In my head, steam was also coming out of her ears :)

On a totally different topic, did you catch The Colbert Report on Comedy Central yesterday? (Feb. 28th) There was a segment about stay at home dads and I thought of you the whole time!

[The Dad]

Funny you should mention that, Amy. Look at the next post...

[Allyson]

When my husband got home from the grocery store tonight, he told me that he was standing in line for a cashier when he looked over and saw a magazine with a kid on the cover and the headline "Look, Daddy!", and it reminded him that we were out of coffee.

So thank you, The Dad, for posting this the other day for me to read to my husband that night so that today he would remember the coffee so that tomorrow morning I can have my fix. ;)

[The Dad]

Allyson: Then my job on Earth is done.