Contest, the Fourth

Emily is a busy person. When I read her site, I am struck both by her genius and that most of her genius gets posted around 4 AM. Add to that her award winning children's plays (one of which you can buy here) and the fact that she has a "real" job to boot and it's no wonder that she never answers my emails. Or phone calls. Or opens her drapes when I'm standing outside her house with my binoculars. But I am nothing if not persistent and I have once again wrangled her into judging yet another Looky, Daddy! contest.

The rules are simple. Take a well-known children's song, a tune we all recognize, and devise your own lyrics. Emily offers this as an example, no doubt written at 4 AM:

The Reminder Song (to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

You're my little alert babe
Nighttime and you won't behave.
How I wish you'd close your eyes
Maybe now Mom will get wise
If at nine asleep you'll be
No more coffee after three.

And here are my three submissions for your consideration:

Potty Training at My House (Row, Row, Row Your Boat)

Sit, sit, sit for hours
Sit and pout and slouch
Then jump up and run top speed
To poop behind the couch

Step Right Up (Baa Baa Black Sheep)

Are they fraternal
     or identical?
Did they surprise you?
     Are they natural?
Boy and girl? Girl and boy?
     Which one came out first?
Is this the quiet one?
     Which one acts the worst?
All these questions
     everywhere we go,
My wife gave birth to a
     traveling sideshow.

Big Girl Bed (Rock-a-Bye Baby)

Rock-a-bye toddler
     in your new bed
Please don't get up
     punch your twin in her head
Don't climb the bookshelf
     throw your clothes on the floor.
Can't you see that I'm desperate
     and it's half-past four?

Submit your entry below. As always, there is no limit to the number of submissions you can make. We'll be accepting submissions from now until Friday, April 27th, 10 PM eastern time. Then I'll once again pester Emily until she chooses the top ten or so, and then on Monday, April 30th, I'll post those here for popular vote. As for the winner, instead of my traditional "Please Help Me Through Another Day" prize of coffee and donuts, I'll be sending you a "Please Help Me Through Another Night" prize. You'll have to win it to see what's inside...

Comments

[Loren]

Thanks for your late-night challenge...

(to the tune of Rockabye Baby):

You can't tie your shoes,
You can't walk downstairs,
You can't cook your meals,
You don't brush your hair,
You bathe thrice a week and,
Make naughty demands.
It's no big surprise,
You're 'created by man.'

(to the tune of Baa, Baa, Black Sheep):

Hey, there, mommy, come and get me down.
I've climbed the cupboards and didn't make a sound.
Don't worry, mommy, I've got nine lives.
Emma's fine too, she's really great with knives.
Don't cry mommy, I love you very much.
Now get me down from here so I can climb that hutch.

[Loren]

By the way, your pooping song makes me laugh no matter how many times I read it!

[Tapey's Mom]

I love your contests.

To the tune of "Frere Jacques":

You are stinky
You are stinky
Yes you are
Yes you are
I don't understand
Why when we go out
You poop in the car
Poop in the car

(which is a song I actually sing to my son, since whenever we go anywhere, 5 minutes after buckling him into his car seat, I hear telltale grunts and smell a telltale scent...)

[Erika]

OK, it is not exactly a children's song. But this is to the tune of "Wasn't That a Party." It was composed at 6am in a hotel room when Jackson was just 4 months old.

Could've been the swimming
Might've been the drive
Might've been the three or four feedings, I don't know
But I'm surprised I'm alive.
Jackson's been awake now
Since a quarter to four
Say me oh me oh my
Go to sleep baby!!

[geminimama]

Get Ready For School Song
To the tune of “There’s a Hole in the Bucket”

The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, the bus.

But I need a jacket, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I need a jacket, Dear Mama, a jacket.

It’s on the hook, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
It’s on the hook, Dear Milo, the hook.

Where are my shoes, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
Where are my shoes, Dear Mama, my shoes?

They’re in the mudroom, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
They’re in the mudroom, Dear Milo, the mudroom.

I need some socks, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I ned some socks, Dear Mama, some socks.

Look in your dresser, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Look in your dresser, Dear Milo, your dresser.

My teeth are still dirty, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
My teeth are still dirty, Dear Mama, still dirty.

Well brush them, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Well brush them, Dear Milo, brush them.

But I have to go poop, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I have to go poop, Dear Mama, go poop.

Hurry up, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Hurry up, Dear Milo, hurry up.

I’m still in my jammies, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m still in my jammies, Dear Mama, my jammies.

Please get dressed, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Please get dressed, Dear Milo, get dressed.

I’m hungry, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m hungry, Dear Mama, hungry.

Eat your cereal, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Eat your cereal, Dear Milo, cereal.

I’m still in my bed, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m still in my bed, Dear Mama, my bed.

Get up, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Get up, Dear Milo, get up.

Why do I have to get up, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
Why do I have to get up, Dear Mama, get up?

The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, the bus.

[David E.]

La-la La-la
Elmo's weird
La-la La-la
Elmo's weird
Elmo has his problems
Like sniffing glue
But so do you

[DebiD]

To the tune of "Do Your Ears Hang Low?"...

Do your babies seem loud?
Can you hear them in a crowd?
And do they make a lot of noise,
being silly little boys?
Will they get a whole lot bolder,
as they get a little older?
Do your babies seem loud?

YES, my babies seem loud
and I can hear them in a crowd.
Yes, they make a lot of noise,
being silly little boys.
And they ARE a lot bolder,
now that they're a little older.
YES, MY BABIES SEEEEEM LOUUUUUUD!

[TSM]

Finally! A contest *I* can participate in! I can't define a haiku, but I can write lyrics!!

Cheer Squad(Sung to "This Old Man")

My thirteen made cheer team
Costs a grand and half my spleen
But she looks so cute with poms and pleated skirts
Gosh that thousand bucks still hurts!

Driving (to the Itsy Bitsy Spider)

My oldest child is sixteen, now it's time to drive
White-knuckled dashboard, will I get home alive?
Pulled in the driveway got out and kissed the ground
Now he has to take his Dad for the second time around

And my own personal version of "Are You Sleeping"

Are you sleeping, are you sleeping
...DUH I have CHILDREN!

I'll come up with more later. This is way fun!!

[DebiD]

To the tune of "Frere Jacques":

Poopy Party
Poopy Party

Brother Come
Brother Come

Join me in the crib tent
Don't know where my pants went

Fecal fun
Fecal fun

[Tammy from Twinstuff]

This is one that we sang to our son when he had colic and reflux as a baby.
Tune-Frere Jacques

Where is Justin
Where is Justin
Here I am
Here I am
Spewing like a beer can
Screaming like a banshee
Bad ole' boy
Bad ole' boy

[Cassie]

OMG! I can't catch my breath I am laughing so hard! Those are AWESOME. I am to uncreative (is that a word?) to make up my own, but am COMPLETELY entertained reading yours.

[Stephanie]

To the tune of Rock-A-Bye:

Rock a bye babies
On Mommy's lap
As we push the chair
we go back and forth
If the chair breaks
we fall in the floor
Then we don't rock a bye
babies no more

[Rachel]

The willful, skillful toddler climbed off the bed at 10:00pm
Down came the wrath of Tired Mom again
Out came the treats and promises of fun
And the smart and savvy toddler stayed in bed 'til...1:00am.

-Eensy, Weensy Spider

[Anne Prince]

Does it involve vodka?

[Michelle]

(it was my niece's birthday last Sunday)

Birthday Breakdown (to Ring Around the Rosie)

Today is baby's birthday
She's two and won't go nap-py
Presents, cupcakes
We all break down!

[Nancy]

Tto the tune of Frere Jacques:

Keep your clothes on,
Keep your clothes on,
Toddler boys!
Toddler boys!
Why must you be naked?
Why must you be naked?
And pee in bed.
And pee in bed.

[Shiri]

to Row Row Row Your Boat

Go go go to sleep
Go to sleep my love
If you will not go to sleep right this instant
Mommy will dissolve

(a little weak on the rhyming, but very true)

To Old MacDonald's
My house is a total mess
E-I-E-I-O
No way we could have no guests
E-I-E-I-O

cheerios on the floor
cheerios on the chair
cheerios cheerios everywhere

My house is a total mess
E-I-E-I-O

[Mindy]

To the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

Tinkle, tinkle, little pee
I dribbled something on my knee
I was sitting on the pot
I had to pee, I went a lot

Tinkle, tinkle, little pee
I dribbled something on my knee

[Amelia]

Ode to Ortho Tri-Cyclen (Mary Had a Little Lamb)

Ninety-nine point eight percent, eight percent, eight percent
Ninety-nine point eight percent
Effective kiss my ass!

[D Regina]

An homage to a 7 year old I know (he's not mine):

To the Tune of Twinkle Twinkle:

Stars Wars Star Wars, night and day
Facts about Star Wars are all you will say

Death Star, Light Saber, Palpatine's lies
You're an obsessive little guy

Star Wars Star Wars night and day
I feel like I've been tortured by Pinochet

[Nicole]

The Butt Rash Song (to the tune of "My Darling Clementine")

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder, cream and powder
Feels so good upon your butt.

My butt itches, says the toddler
Mom and daddy roll their eyes.
Not the butt rash! What the hell
food causes spots down to his thighs?

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder...no more chowder!
Shellfish damages your gut.

Soak your buttocks in the oatmeal
It will make them feel so fine
Water stings them, wet you spring, then
Out of bath to lap of mine

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder, sing out prouder
Drown the screaming re: your butt.

On the table holding down
a writhing toddler is no treat.
Arms a-flailing, he's a-wailing
My black eye shaped like his feet.

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt
Cream and powder, fight us louder
Please just let us save your butt.

[Lily]

To Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

Screamy, screamy little son
Night time feedings are no fun
Why must you wake up at night?
Why must you use your teeth to bite?
Screamy, screamy little son
Night time feedings are no fun.

[Shiri]

Ok, I have another one, to Hush Little Baby, celebrating all those 3 Martinis Playdates:

Hush little toddler, stop your whine
Mommy hasn't finished her second glass of wine

By the time mommy have finished drink the third
She wouldn't care if you scream till you turn red

And when mommy had four drinks
She wouldn't care if your diaper stinks

And after mommy finishes the jug
She wouldn't care if you ate a bug

[Casey]

Woke up early in the morn’
Mommy’s cigarettes are gone
Then she finds them on the grass
Neighbors think we have no class

Daddy calls from the front porch
Why’d you leave open your car door?
Then it hits her, oh my god!
Brendan, were you in the yard?

He left the house while we were sleeping
What the hell was he thinking?
Now we have lock up high
For two years old he’s a pretty smart guy

[Casey]

forgot to add it's to the tune of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and that 2nd to last line should say:

Now we have THE lock up high