The Song Lyric Finalists

There were some pretty entertaining songs in our children's songbook contest, not to mention some vulgar and inappropriate ones. And a whole lotta poop. (Usually I find myself wanting to post a few poop-related entries under false names, just to, you know, crank up the poop quotient a bit, but this time even I was taken aback.) I have pressed upon Emily to choose ten of them as our finalists, and so I'll turn this post over to her:

Well, I’m on a deadline to turn in some things by May 1, so, I’m not at my most focused this weekend. Ergo, I’m not giving you feedback in clever songs. But I do appreciate everyone’s efforts! I apologize in advance if I get a little preachy in my tones. I’m not currently a creative writing teacher, but I’ve played one on TV. -EM

Untitled by Loren (to the tune of Rockabye Baby):

You can't tie your shoes,
You can't walk downstairs,
You can't cook your meals,
You don't brush your hair,
You bathe thrice a week and,
Make naughty demands.
It's no big surprise,
You're 'created by man.'

You gotta know I like punch line endings. In literary circles, we call this “in retrospect, inevitable.” The last line here really works-EM

The Get Ready for School Song by geminimama (There’s a Hole in the Bucket)

The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, the bus.

But I need a jacket, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I need a jacket, Dear Mama, a jacket.

It’s on the hook, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
It’s on the hook, Dear Milo, the hook.

Where are my shoes, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
Where are my shoes, Dear Mama, my shoes?

They’re in the mudroom, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
They’re in the mudroom, Dear Milo, the mudroom.

I need some socks, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I ned some socks, Dear Mama, some socks.

Look in your dresser, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Look in your dresser, Dear Milo, your dresser.

My teeth are still dirty, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
My teeth are still dirty, Dear Mama, still dirty.

Well brush them, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Well brush them, Dear Milo, brush them.

But I have to go poop, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I have to go poop, Dear Mama, go poop.

Hurry up, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Hurry up, Dear Milo, hurry up.

I’m still in my jammies, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m still in my jammies, Dear Mama, my jammies.

Please get dressed, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Please get dressed, Dear Milo, get dressed.

I’m hungry, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m hungry, Dear Mama, hungry.

Eat your cereal, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Eat your cereal, Dear Milo, cereal.

I’m still in my bed, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
I’m still in my bed, Dear Mama, my bed.

Get up, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
Get up, Dear Milo, get up.

Why do I have to get up, Dear Mama, Dear Mama,
Why do I have to get up, Dear Mama, get up?

The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, Dear Milo,
The bus is nearly here, Dear Milo, the bus.

Okay, I have a soft spot for this song, my parents sung it, plus, you did a really great job playing the whole thing out! -EM

Untitled by DebiD (Do Your Ears Hang Low?)

Do your babies seem loud?
Can you hear them in a crowd?
And do they make a lot of noise,
being silly little boys?
Will they get a whole lot bolder,
as they get a little older?
Do your babies seem loud?

YES, my babies seem loud
and I can hear them in a crowd.
Yes, they make a lot of noise,
being silly little boys.
And they ARE a lot bolder,
now that they're a little older.
YES, MY BABIES SEEEEEM LOUUUUUUD!

This is so bouncy and nice, and gosh, they can be loud, can’t they??? -EM

Driving by TSM (Itsy Bitsy Spider)

My oldest child is sixteen, now it's time to drive
White-knuckled dashboard, will I get home alive?
Pulled in the driveway got out and kissed the ground
Now he has to take his Dad for the second time around

I just love that you take the babiest of the baby songs and mash it up with a teen driver. Terrifying but true analogy. -EM

Birthday Breakdown by Michelle (Ring Around the Rosie)

Today is baby's birthday
She's two and won't go nap-py
Presents, cupcakes
We all break down!
There is a nice thing about appropriating found material: When you pointedly allude to the original, it makes your new piece stronger. “We all break down” works well because it’s so reminiscent of the original, which is really creepy. -EM

Ode to Ortho Tri-Cyclen by Amelia (Mary Had a Little Lamb)

Ninety-nine point eight percent, eight percent, eight percent
Ninety-nine point eight percent
Effective kiss my ass!

Girlfriend, don’t I know it. They put me on YAZ now and I’m not trusting them wimpy periods at all. -EM

The Butt Rash Song by Nicole (My Darling Clementine)

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder, cream and powder
Feels so good upon your butt.

My butt itches, says the toddler
Mom and daddy roll their eyes.
Not the butt rash! What the hell
food causes spots down to his thighs?

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder...no more chowder!
Shellfish damages your gut.

Soak your buttocks in the oatmeal
It will make them feel so fine
Water stings them, wet you spring, then
Out of bath to lap of mine

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt.
Cream and powder, sing out prouder
Drown the screaming re: your butt.

On the table holding down
a writhing toddler is no treat.
Arms a-flailing, he's a-wailing
My black eye shaped like his feet.

Cream and powder, cream and powder
Cream and powder for your butt
Cream and powder, fight us louder
Please just let us save your butt.

I applaud your heroic effort. We put pre-emptive Desitin on with every change (a trick from my smart sister-in-law in LA). The original kind, not the creamy. Dr. Sears suggests making a triple action cream by adding some hydro-cortisone and neo-sporin...that took care of our worse bout with the butt overnight...he couldn’t even walk he was so sore. He still can’t eat anything with cinnamon. -EM

Untitled by Lily (Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star)

Screamy, screamy little son
Night time feedings are no fun
Why must you wake up at night?
Why must you use your teeth to bite?
Screamy, screamy little son
Night time feedings are no fun.

I like this, but I’m going to pick on you a little, because I wanted to mention that overall this contest seems harder than the other two I “judged” (haiku and limerick) because people sense the rhythms of songs differently, so it’s harder to get that universal fit. I suggest the following for the 4the line: “Use your little teeth to bite.” But I really, really like the word “screamy.” -EM

Joe-Ray-Lee by Virginia (Do-Re-Mi)

Joe - a pill that did not work
Ray - the sponge was in my purse
Lee - a faul-ty I-U-D
Rob - again! it made me curse
Flo - a rubber broke in bed
Shawn - he came along with Flo
Dee - sex I've begun to dread
And it all began with Joe!

This is very provocative, V. The burning question: is the singer naming off children, or lovers? -EM

The Poop Song by Vickey (The Alphabet Song)

Miles goes poopy in his diaper,
Stinky diaper, let's get changed.

Miles goes poop,
Miles goes pee,

Poops in potty,
Yay - Whoopee!

Now Miles knows how to poop in the potty,
Poop in the potty, FLUSH it down. WHOOSH!

This one gets my vote for most practical. For some reason, I’ve taught mine to go “bye-bye,” and he actually blew a kiss to my flushing turd the other day. I’m in desperate need of redirection. Thanks, I think I’ll start using it today. -EM

Now it's time to vote. As before, cast your vote for your two favorite entries. The winner will get a "Help Me Make It Through the Night" prize pack, which is currently being reworked since I have learned that you cannot send vodka through the mail. Or vermouth.

Comments

[The Dad]

Oh yeah, the voting will be open until Wednesday, May 2nd at 10 PM EST. I'll post the winner on Thursday.

[Jennifer]

I don't know who you are, Amelia, but I sure like your little ditty! You sound like a good fit for 3-martinis....

[Crystal In Houston]

I love Virginia's !!!! (Joe-Rae-Dee) I am going to assume that they are all children...and this part..."shawn..he came along with Flo.." is making me die! Perfect for that part of the song and describing twins! LOL...loved that one!

[Crystal In Houston]

Oops, I meant Joe-Ray-Lee! Sorry Virginia!

[virginia]

Thanks Emily & Crystal. Definitely referencing children and not lovers - although that brings a whole other dynamic to the song doesn't it?

Thanks for all the votes!

[Amelia]

For me! Vote for me! And my Ode!

And Mr. LookyDaddy, if I win, I'm expecting that vodka and vermouth in my mailbox, federal law be damned!

[John]

I feel like a disappointment having not participated after being a finalist in the haiku and limerick contests. You caught me at a bad time - busy at home and work. But there is no way I could have topped "Joe-Ray-Lee." That one is awesome.

[Chip]

Vote for Nicole! Vote for Nicole! We've all been there and you can't deny that technically, the new lyrics work perfectly with the original tune. The second verse is a thing of brilliance!

Disclaimer: This is a totally unbiased plug for Nicole by her darling husband.

[TSM]

I was hesitant to chime in at first, mainly because 1. I don't have twins (but I know a mom who has TWO SETS!) and 2. My children are older than most of the folks I see posting.

But thank you for the nomination! I got a million of those songs tucked away in here (taps on head)...I should have posted more :)

[DebiD]

What do you mean you can't send vodka and vermouth through the mail? You weren't seriously going to tell the postal worker what was in the box, were you?!

Well, heck, vote for me anyway! After cleaning up yet another of the MANY poop Picasso masterpieces first thing this morning, I NEED that "non alcoholic" prize (wink, wink, nudge)

[Nicole]

I swear I didn't pay him to say that. Not with money, anyway.

Vote Butt Rash today! ;)

[Michelle]

Do not vote for "Birthday Breakdown"! I appreciate the nod, but I don't yet need the prize--I'm still trying to conceive. Send lots of good thoughts to that end instead. Or if anybody has an extra twin or somethin'... that would make an amazing prize!

Go Butt Rash!!

I loved "Joe Ray Lee," which is just brilliant, and "The Get Ready for School Song" which made me wonder why geminimama hasn't put Milo up for adoption.

[Joy]

I loved "Joe Ray Lee," which is just brilliant, and "The Get Ready for School Song" which made me wonder why geminimama hasn't put Milo up for adoption.

[leolabeth]

Vote for geminimama. Milo and my son are teetering the cusp of doing most things for themselves and this song describes precisely every outing I make. And Joy, she can't put Milo up for adoption. Who would my six year-old play with?

Oh yeah, Shawn and Flo--wicked funny!

[Bully]

Love the driving thing. Reminds me of my nephew.

[geminimama]

Did I mention I have almost-two-year-old twins in addition to Dear Milo, who will turn six three days after the twins turn two? Did I mention they're all boys? That should count for some sympathy votes, right?

[Lynn]

I'm mired in the butt rash battles myself these days, so I have to give that one a vote. Love all the lyrics - esp: "On the table holding down a writhing toddler is no treat.
Arms a-flailing, he's a-wailing My black eye shaped like his feet."
Hee!

"Ninety-nine point eight percent" is also brilliant and fits perfectly with Mary Had a Little Lamb. Well done.

[Rachel]

Your comment to replace the line "Why must you use your teeth to bite?" (I suggest the following for the 4the line: “Use your little teeth to bite.”) clearly shows that you never had to deal with a child who bites while nursing! :)

[Emily]

Rachel:

It was obnoxious of me to suggest that to poor Lily...I intended it as a run-on sentence from the previous line. Sorry, Lily, I do like your song, as is! (I have been bitten during breastfeeding, frequently, if it's any consolation).

EM