I did not know how to say "pliers" in Japanese. For sure, my Japanese was passable. I could say "another beer," and "please cook this some more," and "your mother has an outie bellybutton." I knew the Japanese words for almost every animal I could think of, plus the sounds they made. At one point, at the request of a college friend back home, I learned how to say "I want to take your panties off with my teeth" although much to my friend's chagrin and the horror of the Japanese exchange student he tried the phrase on, it evidently translated more as "I would like your panties to chew on." The slap was justified either way.
At one point I probably knew "hammer" and "screwdriver," but I never knew the word for pliers, so when the Japanese doctor called that word over his shoulder to the nurse, I didn't immediately take off running. Or hobbling, as the situation would have had it. I did recognize the next two phrases, "Don't look" and "This is going to hurt" although to my credit, I don't believe I had ever heard them consecutively before.
There's not a lot of pleasant things a doctor can do with a set of pliers, but until last Friday, I thought having an intern in Japan pull a three-inch surgical pin from my foot would be the worst I would encounter for a while. I was wrong.
On Friday, our dentist used a pair of pliers to pull Lila's chipped tooth from her mouth.
In the short time between this and a dentist's appointment, the tooth became abscessed. For those of you keeping score at home, that's a flood, two cross-country flights, and dental surgery all in the past two weeks. And you wonder why I'm not answering my email.
You might think that there's some sophisticated method for extracting a tooth from the upper jaw of a two-year-old. You'd be wrong. Apparently all you need is a set of pliers and the determination to keep on pulling until the tooth is out. And a dad to hold the child down for the duration. Of course, there are preliminaries, x-rays and the like. Dental x-rays for a two-year-old are exactly the same as for adults, with the notable exception of the two-year-old part, which renders it more comparable to teaching a cat to drink mojitos through a straw. Truth be told, Lila didn't mind all the failed x-ray attempts and remained a good sport despite her growing annoyance at our insistence that she keep that blasted mouthpiece in her mouth and not look inside the x-ray camera whenever it beeped. Is there such a thing as eye cancer? Nevermind. I just Googled it and now I shall never sleep again. Perchance Lila's right eye, at least, was shielded from the harmful x-rays by her cataract, which is a topic for a whole 'nuther post.
Please, God, allow me to die before my little girl is toothless and blind, which has all the signs of happening sometime before Kindergarten.
The final step before the tooth was wrenched free was the needle. The purpose of the needle was, I was informed, to deaden my darling's gums, although I can't believe that pulling out the tooth without anesthetic could have been any worse than the needle itself which, for reasons only disclosed to dentists and their ilk, needed to be stuck in her gums and wiggled around for eleventy million years. On the plus side, once the anesthetic took effect, it was kind of fun to watch Lila try to cry, only to be stopped dead by an upper lip which, to her, was now roughly the size of a Buick.
"Waah--ooh! By lib! By lib beels bunny!"
The pliers came next, and that was followed by the hole, which was followed by the blood. All in all, I would rank it somewhere in the top ten of Things I Do Not Want To Do Again, in between #6 (Being strip searched in a Texas/Mexico border town) and #4 (Moving to New Jersey).
And one more thing: "Pliers" in Japanese? Penchi. Hopefully you'll never need to know that.
I'm sorry, what you've been through these past two weeks sounds horrible. I would probably had to be institutionalized if I had to go through it, and I'm cringing at the mere thought of my child having to endure what Lila went through. But this:
Waah--ooh! By lib! By lib beels bunny!
It's just too funny. Poor Lila.
Posted by: Shiri | May 02, 2007 at 03:18 AM
Oh Daddy. Oh Lila.
Posted by: Anne Prince | May 02, 2007 at 07:17 AM
I can't imagine trying this our 2 year old. I have so much respect for you right now...I know I'd be falling apart!
- Jon
- Daddy Detective
- www.daddydetective.com
Posted by: Jon | May 02, 2007 at 08:21 AM
Sitting here reading your post at my job as a pediatric dentist. Just to be safe: Penchi is probably the word for "forceps." Dentists don't use pliers! :)
P.S. the extractions are usually worse for the parents than they are for the child in the long term.
Posted by: Julie | May 02, 2007 at 08:43 AM
So truly sorry that Lila had to endure such torture. I hope she is feeling much better and you and the Mom have recovered from this awful experience. When my daughter(almost one) fell down and hit her head, she had to have four stitches in her right eyebrow. I will never forget her screams when we had to hold her down so they could use the needle for the anesthetic and then put in the stitches....my sympathies.
Posted by: Angela | May 02, 2007 at 08:57 AM
Ugh. What a terrible couple of weeks! If it makes you feel any better (it probably won't) I managed to knock my teeth out on not one but two occasions as a child, necessitating similar unpleasant dental experiences. Not only do I now have a full mouth of my own, healthy teeth, I don't have any undue anxiety about dentists or oral hygiene. I'm sure my parents can't say the same thing.
Wishing a speedy recovery to all involved, and that includes you and your trauma.
Posted by: Nicole | May 02, 2007 at 09:10 AM
I'm not certain that I will ever recover from reading this story.
Posted by: Jennifer | May 02, 2007 at 09:54 AM
Poor Lila! I feel your pain! In the last year, my son has put us through many ER visits. Last Cinco de Mayo, he lost his balance, fell, and hit a very sharp table at the Air Force Base squadron that my hubby was in. That was 10 stitches to sew up a hole in his lip that he bit through. About a month later, another trip to the ER to take out the rusty, metal rib rack that went straight through his foot and came out by his ankle. I still have nightmares from that night. Nothing seems as bad as yesterday at the doctor's office. It was his 5 year old checkup and I just happened to mention that I wanted him to get a chicken pox booster. Thank God that my hubby was there. My twins were in another room getting their shots. My hubby is 6'2 1/2 and could barely hold down my son to get his shot. Screams were heard throughout the entire building. He said that it was worse than any ER visit. Next week, my hubby gets to take him to the dentist. LOL! :)
Posted by: Tammy from Twinstuff | May 02, 2007 at 10:38 AM
I can't imagine. Poor child. Poor daddy. Although "By lib beels bunny" almost makes up for it.
Posted by: | May 02, 2007 at 10:56 AM
Oh by gob! You could really use a break in the luck department.
I'd love to know how you explained to your helpful Japanese-tutor why you needed to know how to say ""I want to take your panties off with my teeth"!
Posted by: virginia | May 02, 2007 at 11:41 AM
The Spanish sound cognate for pinche is a curse word (the four letter one). The Spanish word would be more fitting for the situation.
Posted by: How About Two? | May 02, 2007 at 12:42 PM
'Forceps' is a euphemism for pliers.
And I think the japanese word for pliers, (if not 'pinche'), is pronounced poo-ry-ah-zoo.
Sounds like The Dad deserves a snort of laughing gas.
Posted by: Not Erin | May 02, 2007 at 01:20 PM
Daddy of the Year?
Posted by: Tammy | May 02, 2007 at 01:23 PM
Your a bigger man then my husband would have been. One of our 3 yr old tweins lost a tooth(she chewed on the rug too much as a baby). But hers hung there for a year. He'd have passed out cold. lol
Posted by: | May 02, 2007 at 01:28 PM
What I want to know is what's tenth on your list of things you never want to do again?
Posted by: The Mom | May 02, 2007 at 02:37 PM
I might have nightmares about that tonight.
And my husband thought the story was "funny" so he's definitely the one taking the kid to the dentist...
Posted by: Jessica | May 02, 2007 at 03:37 PM
Ever seen Bill Cosby's "Himself"?
He has a segment about his trip to the dentist....very funny.
Posted by: Catizhere | May 02, 2007 at 04:24 PM
First off, I am with "How About Two" on the applicability of the word "pinche" here.
Second off, JESUS CHRIST MAN what living h-e-double toothpicks for all involved.
Third off, per usual, so beautifully rendered, with equal parts poingnancy and fantastic humor. I will be first in line at the book signing following your reading, when you are on book tour out in these parts. I see NY Times best-seller written all over these pages, dude.
Fourth off, I am leaving work right now to go and shrink-wrap a five-inch thick layer of high density foam around both daughter and son. With cut-outs around their face for breathing, eating, and seeing, and a coupla on the side for hearing. Oh, and a biggie down below for you-know-what.
Posted by: Polly | May 02, 2007 at 05:11 PM
Dang, The Dad ... double or triple up on the Martinis this week, OK? And, next week, too.
One of my twins had an infected lymph node the last couple weeks and when we first found it on her neck it was, oh, about the size of a Clementine. Yeah, that was fun.
Then, magically, because I don't understand the human body AT ALL it turned into a freaking wound. Like a big fat blister the size of a golf ball. Then it drained like one, too. Nice.
I wonder sometimes if I'm really going to make it through this whole parenting thing. I mean, I'm only 16 months in and ready to quit most days.
Salut!
Posted by: Greatexpectations | May 02, 2007 at 07:22 PM
What I want to know is what is number one? That trip to the dentist would be a contender for my number one thing I never want to do again, caring for two screaming newborns, with reflux and colic on about an alloted one hour of sleep a night. Good luck, things have got to start looking up from here!
Posted by: Twinmommy | May 02, 2007 at 08:47 PM
I have to argue that forceps and pliers are not equivalent. Although there are a variety of kinds of forceps. But the instrument that helped my son out into the world was definitely NOT pliers. Epidural or no, had I seen giant pliers instead of giant salad tongs coming toward me at that moment, I could have managed to run from the building.
Posted by: Renata | May 03, 2007 at 10:50 AM
My sympathies to Lila and parents. I am an "old parent," i.e, the children are grown now. (finally) Proof that parents and children survive all this. One of mine gouged a furrow from eyebrow to crown, right to the bone! ER staff stapled his scalp together with what looked like a staple gun out of someone's garage. Little Geek-Boy fell and caught cheekbone on a tree-stump. Side of his face swelled up to the size of a grapefruit, and blacked both eyes. I was afraid to take him out of the house, in fear of child abuse charges. Japanese beetle in an ear one night, ER tech shines bright (hot)light in, causing bug to burrow further and lacerate the eardrum. Took 3 to hold down the kid for all that.
Best one was when our power went out one evening (frequent occurrence there) and I mumble to myself, "Some dumb SOB took out the pole on the corner again!" Five minutes later, the dumb SOB staggers in my back door, bleeding all over, confirms that a pole is indeed down again, lightening-speed trip to ER, where their bright lights allow me to see just how many injuries he's got, spent 8 days in hospital. Today's horror stories become kind-of funny as the years go by. (but it takes a lot of years, and a few beers)
Posted by: Petunia | May 03, 2007 at 12:14 PM
My sympathies to you and Lila. Our 6year old has had three teeth pulled in the last two months....hell on earth, isn't it?
Posted by: Meredith | May 04, 2007 at 12:08 PM
Aww, and here I was complaining about a little old neck thing.
You win!
Posted by: scatteredmom | May 05, 2007 at 01:55 PM
Hee hee, I've been there too! I have 2.5 year old twins and the elder of the two has some serious issues with gravity. She fell out of our computer chair, did a face plant on the wood floor and that resulted in our first trip to the pedi dentist, where we discovered that she cracked a molar. So, at the ripe old age of 18 months, my daughter received a gorgeous crown in her tiny little mouth. We call it her special tooth.
Now, in addition to that, she was born with a split front tooth. When I first saw the picture you posted of your daughter's front tooth, I laughed out loud because if I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was looking at my own child's mouth!
I have to say that I'm encouraged by the fact that "older" parents are posting here giving me hope that I, too, shall persevere!
Posted by: DeeDub | May 07, 2007 at 10:34 AM