Perfectly Normal

Things are back to normal now around here, and if you are a regular reader, you know that there isn't much solace in that statement. Kathryn is doing well. Her new anti-seizure medication is making her tired, especially in the afternoons, which is making me wonder why I haven't been medicating her since birth. Thursday when she came home, she said she'd like to lie down for a bit and I was momentarily speechless. Of course, Kathryn didn't lie down, not even close, but just hearing her say the words gave me a little thrill.

My wife and I are also doing fine. We have both held it together amazingly well over the past seven days, our feelings and fears buried deep below countless layers of stress, coffee, and adrenaline, and buried deep they would have likely remained except late Friday night Kathryn woke up just after midnight to go to the bathroom. It was nothing special, just a need to pee, but after she shuffled back to her sleeping bag, yawning and disheveled, my wife and I lost it. We lost it, then lost it, then lost it some more. And then in the wee hours of the morning we finally slept, really slept, for the first time in a week.

When I was in high school, I had a teacher who would give "zero tests." He was a great teacher, he knew his stuff and expected a high level of achievement from us, and as long as we didn't overstep our bounds, he would run his class in a very relaxed and congenial manner, by which I mean he played The Rolling Stones while we worked. But if we slacked, if we tried his patience a little too much, then he would slap us with a zero test. A zero test was an impromptu five question test, written on the spot, and the highest grade you could make was a zero. Every missed question drove your score into negative numbers. When the test was over, he'd apply your score to whatever was the last grade in his gradebook. If you got all the questions correct, your grade in the gradebook stayed the same. Any missed questions and that grade went down, sometimes way down. And that's where I feel we are right now. This epilepsy is a zero test. Hopefully, if we keep up with everything, if we get the good breaks and a little luck, then we will finish the test at a zero. We will expend a great deal of energy, see many specialists, adjust many medications, and have a little freak out at every nighttime potty run, all to break even at zero. Nothing will be gained, but nothing will be lost. And before you tell me, I know how that sounds. I know that many people will want to say that there is something to be gained by this experience, that even in adversity there are life experiences to be made and strength to be built and whatnot. And to you I stick my tongue out and say pppbbbbrt!

Okay, I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. You truly deserve nothing but the best. This past week I have been humbled and awed by you and your response to our little excitement here, both collectively and individually. I know its cliche, but this here Internet is a wacky and oft-times unfriendly place, and yet I am blown away by how it can scramble together and support those in need. I am lucky to be a part of that. Thank you. But still, pppbbbbrt!

Kathryn's diagnosis remains Benign Rolandic Epilepsy, which is a great relief. In fact, everything from about three hours after the initial event has been a relief. Clean MRIs, no lasting damage, no nothing. Just a mild form of epilepsy which should disappear at puberty, so now I'm sitting here actually hoping that Kathryn goes through puberty early. God help me, I will so regret that. Perhaps I won't tell Kathryn that her condition ends when she matures. Maybe I'll say it worsens. And that she's more likely to have a seizure in a time of great excitement and/or nudity. You don't think that will scar her, do you? Okay, then, how about if I just tell that to the boyfriends? "Son, she'll likely have an episode if you kiss her. Don't be surprised if she throws up in your mouth a little, that's normal. Perfectly normal."

Comments

[loren]

"ick" on the vomit mouth! the doctors should have told you that the only "lasting damage" will be from her father tormenting her boyfriends :)

zero-test, that guy was a GENIUS. that is a metaphor for my life: wow, the house is clean! Oh, what's that honey? The kids found a Sharpie and drew all over the couch? and lipstick on the carpet? Not a problem at all. Now where did I put that cyanide...

[Catizhere]

Have you ever seen "Nice Girls Don't Explode?"

[Michelle]

Delurking to say glad everyone's home and back to "normal."

[mommy24x7]

I think I know which teacher that was. Did he wear a white belt occasionally? Awesome analogy!

Anyway, be patient with your return to your new version of normal. And trust that the anxiety will lessen with time. I know it's cliche, but I'm sure you've heard the "Holland" poem? You, my friend have taken a side trip to Holland on your way to Italy. Take time to smell the tulips.

By the way, the vomit thing is disgusting but brilliant. I see you are back to your hilarious self. Things must be looking up!

[The Dad]

Why, yes, mom24x7, he did wear a white belt on occasion. It figures that I would remember him playing the Stones and you would remember his questionable fashion choices.

[Chanel]

I can't imagine how stressful the whole experience has been for your whole family, but I'm glad to hear that Kathryn is doing well and things are stabilizing (or, you know, stabilizing as much as they can in a house of three kids!).

Those last couple lines cracked up me. At least if you use that, you won't have to bring out the gun - and Kathryn won't have worry about you shooting her when she gets into high school. ;)

[Michelle]

I'm a lurker who hasn't checked in lately. I can't imagine the fear you've been through in the past several days. I'm scared just thinking how I might flip out if I found my child as you did that morning.

And I totally think it is okay to tell her boyfriends that in the future - pay back for her scaring you like that!

[anne nahm]

Thinking good thoughts for you all. Take care.

[Burgh Baby's Mom]

Something about this post made multiple Michelle's delurk . . . I find that interesting, in a "I'm very easily amused" sort of way.

The line in this post about hoping for early puberty made this Michelle cringe with actual, physical pain. Puberty=boobs. Boobs may be your friend right now, The Dad, but they will not be your friend when your daughter(s) have them. Fear puberty. Fear boobs.

So glad all is going as well as can be expected :-)

[monica]

Oh, so happy to hear all is well! I almost spit out my wine when I read the comment for the boyfriend!

[Amanda Cowan]

I haven't visited in awhile.. been busy. What a shock to come back to such news.. I'm glad that it's one of those "if you have to have this, it's the kind you want" sort of situations.. It sounds like you're all being great sports and that Kathryn is doing well! I have to admit I nearly fell over in my seat when I first read that seizure part.. You almost described it too well...what a scary day that must have been..

[Keri Bea]

Glad everything has turned out okay. I know this had to have been more terrifying then anyone can imagine w/o experiencing it themselves. Our kids mean so much to us - to see them hurting and as The Dad pointed out, she's so small. But, knowing her parents as I do, she will be fine.

[Victoria]

I think the idea of telling her future boyfriends that kissing etc. may induce an episode is brilliant. I wonder if I can tell that to any future boyfriends of my nieces. ; )

hugs to you.

[iheartnewyork]

Wow -- I completely missed this entire chapter this week. I'm so glad that Kathryn is fine and you're all fine...but holy shit, how scary. Can't even imagine. Take care of yourselves.

[Mauigirl52]

I'm so glad to hear that Kathryn's condition won't cause damage and likely goes away when she reaches puberty. If she has to have epilepsy, as you said in a previous post, this is the kind to have, it seems.

I totally understand what you're saying about the zero test. With a less serious example, it's like getting a new roof. You go through a lot of trouble and expense and your yard gets all messed up and your tires get holes in them from the million nails they left around the driveway, and in the end the result is the same as before: a roof that doesn't leak.

I hope Kathryn's roof won't ever leak!