Look at this face:
I saw that face last weekend at the Met. It is the face of a man in torment.
The face belongs to Ugolino della Gherardesca, someone you may say you know if you are a liar. And why is Ugolino's face contorted in such a way? He's gone camping.
No, not really, but close. Here's the whole statue:
Legend has it that, in 1289, for the crime of high treason, Ugolino was imprisoned with his children for nine months. They eventually starved to death.
I spent an awfully long time standing in front of this statue the Sunday before last, while Kathryn pulled on my hand saying c'mon, c'mon! It spoke to me in a way that I knew art could, but had not experienced until then. I'd probably have stood there longer, but despite the piece containing no fewer that five penises, it didn't hold Kathryn's attention for more than a few minutes, and she came very close to dislocating my shoulder before I finally turned away.
According to Dante, the most famous reteller of Ugolino's story, Ugolino was the last to die in the cell with his sons. As his children died, they begged Ugolino to eat their bodies, and before he himself died, he did.
It gets worse.
Ugolino's afterlife is spent in the ninth level of hell, eternally trapped in ice, with only his head free, which he uses to gnaw on the skull of the man who imprisoned him with his children in the first place.
I knew none of this when I saw the statue at the Met, and I'm not really sure why I feel compelled to share it with you now. Perhaps it is my way of saying that, while our family camping trip last weekend had its share of challenges, at least we weren't trapped together for nine months until we died.
And if we had been, I doubt I'd have waited that long before eating the kids. Hell, I came damned close to eating them Sunday morning when I realized I had left the eggs on the kitchen counter back home.
I have to say, you are one of the few people that can put voice to my thoughts when it comes to dealing with children - and I only have one!! You are absolutely hysterical!!!
Posted by: Stacie | October 10, 2007 at 06:27 AM
Such a powerful image with an equal powerful story (of which I've never heard before). The added personal touch at the end definitely puts into perspective, yet brings humor into the situation that is necessary. Thanks for the article!
Posted by: Justin | October 10, 2007 at 09:33 AM
I'd eat my kid...except he's pretty gamey.
Posted by: bryan | October 10, 2007 at 10:00 AM
Mmmm, children! Taste like chicken!
Posted by: Diane | October 10, 2007 at 11:02 AM
is it just me, or is Justin's above comment strange? A mix of both my responses to my freshman comp students and the forced peer review reports they give each other, artificially cheery and tangential to the actual material at hand, occasionally topped off with a misrepresentation of the genre in question ...
I don't mean to pick, though. I found this entry hysterical and deeply human, on the whole.
Posted by: rachel | October 10, 2007 at 01:29 PM
It could be the story behind my blog title, and I didn't even know about it! Well, ok, I probably was supposed to know about it, I probably even had a test about it way back when, in Catholic school - but I guess I just read the cliff notes.
Glad camping was better than a circle of hell.
Posted by: Liesel Elliott | October 10, 2007 at 04:59 PM
I took the story of Ugolino a little more serious (in an unrealistic empathetic sort of way) which effected my comment above. Without splitting my comment into paragraphs, I just made a couple of simple statements. Sorry to hit a work trigger button, but get over it rachel.
Posted by: Justin | October 10, 2007 at 06:14 PM
Whoa, there, everybody. And by everybody, I mean Justin & Rachel. All comments should be about me. Me and how wonderful I am. And funny. Wonderful and funny. And a good lover. The only argument anyone should have in the comment section is over who gets to bed me first.
Posted by: The Dad | October 10, 2007 at 07:46 PM
I didn't think I was arguing, I just thought I was snarking. It's really hard to snark well. You do it so well, The Dad - I want to bed you.
Posted by: rachel | October 10, 2007 at 08:23 PM
I'm sure this says a lot about me, but my first thought when I saw the first picture was, "My! What big hands he has."
And, wait a minute. I just read the Dad's previous comment. Excuse me, but the pummeling must begin.
Posted by: The Mom | October 10, 2007 at 08:24 PM
Oooh, the pummeling!
Posted by: The Dad | October 10, 2007 at 08:25 PM
Big hands I know your the one!
Posted by: Finn | October 10, 2007 at 08:40 PM
ha! pummeling! can I pummel, too, since my husband was the one that was snarked-upon for being nice and giving a sincere compliment? :D
oh, by the way, y'all, now that it's nearly midnight on the east-coast, um, today was the breast fest to fight the evil boob-hating Facebook (not to take away from your penis-stories, Dad).
Posted by: Colleen | October 10, 2007 at 11:47 PM
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Now I KNOW The Dad is delusional. "Good lover"? When do you have time to do that? (I don't want actual details, just a theory of time management.) As a fellow parent of multiples, I thought post-child happy-time was a myth as cold as a Greek statue.
If The Dad is just full of shit, now would be the time for The Mom to speak up.
I demand answers. I demand the truth. I demand a sex life with a pulse.
Posted by: loren | October 10, 2007 at 11:58 PM
Hi, there!
My ancestor Ugolino was very old when he died in the “torre della fame” in Pisa. Exceptionally old, for that time. No way he could have eaten his 40 year old sons and 20 year old nephews! That was a clearly wrong interpretation of Dante’s words… “più che il dolor, potè il digiuno” (not “my hunger prevailed on my pain”… and I eat them! But “more than of pain, of hunger”… I died!)
He was a very bright and brave man. We know well where they are all buried, as we know for 99% of our male ancestors starting year 1,050. We have a copy of the Met's statue, at our country "house", where our family lives since 1.000 years...
Thanks God, not all his descendants were caught and exterminated!
Best regards,
Posted by: Arrigo della Gherardesca | October 11, 2007 at 04:58 AM
Arrigo: You are certainly correct that there is deliberate ambiguity in Dante's words, leaving interpretation to the reader. In this case, and no disrespect intended, I chose the more horrible sounding version. Read more of the site and you'll understand why.
Posted by: The Dad | October 11, 2007 at 09:15 AM
Wow. I need a little miniature copy of this statue to keep on my mantle. Before I even read the story, I felt a connection with this poor man. I saw it on Tuesday afternoon at the end of a VERY LONG 5-day weekend with my wife and four kids. I can't even claim we were trapped on a camping trip (and I will never be able to come to grips with why anyone would voluntarily do that especially with children). I had just extracted myself from a similar scenario (albeit with the participants in MUCH more clothing) to spend a minute online and what do I find but this kindred spirit looking back at me. I don't really think I'm trapped in the ninth circle of hell. It's probably more like the second circle with these four little demons punishing us forever for ours sins of lust.
Posted by: John | October 11, 2007 at 11:15 AM
Is anyone else chuckling at Finn's Violent Femmes reference? My twin-mommy brain was stumped by the Dante discussion, but I've still got it when it comes to pop culture! Phew.
Posted by: Jennifer, 3-Martini Jennifer | October 11, 2007 at 02:12 PM
I know exactly how that guy feels.
Posted by: Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | October 11, 2007 at 03:07 PM
Whew! I thought we were going to get all serious and argumentative here, but now that we're back to saying how wonderful and funny The Dad is, Comments are so much better.
(Did I mention wonderful and funny?)
Posted by: Burgh Baby's Mom | October 11, 2007 at 07:11 PM
I always knew The Dad had a huge ego, but Holy Crap, he doesn't even pretend to hide it, does he? The main purpose of this blog is so we morons can fill his bottomless pit. I'm not falling for it, although it's brilliant. (Oops, was that a compliment? Didn't mean it to be) Is that what all blogs are for? Just huge strokes for folks? Hmmm...I have some serious esteem issues myself... I wonder if tellmehowawesomeiam.com is taken.
Posted by: mommy24x7 | October 12, 2007 at 01:59 AM
o.k., o.k. As soon as I hit the post button I started to feel like crap for that one. That was my mother talking there, not me. Yes, The Dad, I have a confession to make: I check your blog every damn day and get pretty pissed when you don't post, and yes, I've told all my friends about it, and yes, they've told 2 friends, and so on and so on.... so there you have it - wonderful and funny. That's the best I can do. Maybe my blog should be cynicalmomwhoneedsmoretherapy.com?
Posted by: mommy24x7 | October 12, 2007 at 02:09 AM
I keep thinking "maybe THIS year I will take the kids camping" and then I say to myself "um. maybe NEXT year".
Posted by: steppingoverthejunk | October 12, 2007 at 07:06 AM
I'm all ready to be serious and argumentative. I'm so much better at that than at telling The Dad how wonderful and witty he is. I mean, come on, Arrigo: Ugolina may have been 91 and couldn't have eaten his kids, but he did sell out his city-state. Brilliant but naughty, and with big hands--my kind of guy. But if I get all serious and argumentative on his blog, then The Dad will start to pummel me and then that could lead to . . . hmmm, maybe I will be argumentative.
Jennifer, my girlfriend, she's at the end, she's starting to cry.
Posted by: The Mom | October 12, 2007 at 09:31 AM
The Mom - Now you'll have me smiling all day.
We all just need to remember that no one, no one, no one ever is to blame (That's for you Jennifer - have a martini for me :)
Posted by: Finn | October 12, 2007 at 01:15 PM