Kathryn's eyes were wide. It was early summer and Kathryn's eyes were wide with knowledge. We were sitting in a river in Texas, a slow, lazy river, cooling our heels when Kathryn, who was a few months short of three years old at the time, said she needed to go to the bathroom.
There were people around, just a few, so I got way up close to Kathryn and asked in a whisper which number she needed to make. "Pee-pee," she said back, and so I told her a secret. I told her that sometimes, only sometimes, when you are sitting in a river, a slow, lazy river, and the camp bathroom, the bug-infested bathroom, is very far away, and Daddy's beer, his cold, cold beer, is already opened, then it is okay for a young lady to stay in the river to make a pee-pee. And that's when Kathryn's eyes grew wide.
"Really?" she asked. I nodded and her eyes grew even wider.
Then she thought about it some more and asked, "In my bathing suit?" and I said yes and her eyes grew wider still.
She looked at my face hard with those eyes, looking for a sign I was pulling her leg, and when she saw none, her wide eyes finally squeezed shut as she steeled herself and pushed an enormous turd out of her behind and into her bathing suit.
Apparently two years old is too young to bite the apple from that particular tree of knowledge.
That is so funny. Family lore has it that one of my teenaged cousins did that while swimming in the river and the offending turde followed him as he swam away. He's in his late 30's now and they still make fun of him about it!
Posted by: Tracie | January 11, 2008 at 02:38 PM
Can't breathe. Laughing too hard!
Posted by: Alissa | January 11, 2008 at 02:44 PM
For some reason, just like you, I never saw that coming. I'm going to be chuckling for a week.
Posted by: Sue | January 11, 2008 at 03:36 PM
It's apples and oranges, but to the uninitiated, the trees look pretty much the same.
Posted by: Tammy | January 11, 2008 at 03:44 PM
Oh, god. The masthead. The masthead!
Posted by: bnc | January 11, 2008 at 03:49 PM
Oh dear god. The things I have to look forward to!
Posted by: Christy | January 11, 2008 at 04:15 PM
I saw the punchline coming... no really... I'm a dad. But still, told with such glorious eloquence.
Turd stories are (nearly) always funny.
Posted by: Jason | January 11, 2008 at 05:08 PM
Too funny - I saw it coming [well sort of] but then I have been a Mom for a really long time. great blog!
Posted by: dlyn | January 11, 2008 at 06:17 PM
i just spit out my water.
Posted by: jess | January 11, 2008 at 09:06 PM
I, uh, didn't see it coming at all. I don't know what else it could have been, though, in hind sight.
Posted by: Tricia | January 11, 2008 at 09:20 PM
so funny! i did NOT see it coming!
Posted by: kyra | January 12, 2008 at 09:16 AM
That was hilarious. Thanks for the good laugh.
Posted by: Keri Bea | January 12, 2008 at 09:18 AM
I literally laughed out loud at the ending (no I didn't see it coming).
Posted by: Mauigirl52 | January 12, 2008 at 06:11 PM
Ahhh hah ha hah hah!
Posted by: Victoria | January 12, 2008 at 09:31 PM
Diva and I are sitting here CRACKING UP!!!
Thanks for the laugh.
And I do love the word turd.
Posted by: Manic Mommy | January 12, 2008 at 10:17 PM
Diva: That's deeeeescusting! She should know better!
(Diva's eight)
:)
Posted by: Manic Mommy | January 12, 2008 at 10:18 PM
I've seen the same thing happen in the local pool -- not quite as funny.
I agree I like the word turd.
Posted by: The culprit | January 12, 2008 at 10:59 PM
Turd is funny, but after reading that last line, I can't get "horse apple" out of my head. Mmmm... anyone hungry?
Posted by: loren | January 13, 2008 at 01:29 AM
Damn. Thanks for the heads up.
Posted by: Kat | January 13, 2008 at 02:06 AM
exquisite...
Posted by: Tracey | January 13, 2008 at 06:02 AM
That is so funny! Boy, are you going to have some good blackmail-material when she gets to dating age!
Posted by: LIB | January 13, 2008 at 12:10 PM
Golden. And I LOVE the accompanying header photo...
Posted by: BookMamma | January 13, 2008 at 07:04 PM
Thanks. Just thanks. I have had nightmares reliving a certain incident from when I was about ten for years (I was NOT the offender). You just drug that nightmare into the daylight.
FYI, stay away from the Missouri River.
Posted by: Burgh Baby's Mom | January 14, 2008 at 09:11 AM
brilliant! there's a reason kids are cute.
Posted by: PG | January 15, 2008 at 11:12 AM
Hahaha, oh my goodness! I totally didn't see that coming. You gotta love children.
Don't tell me you snapped the photo in your masthead right after - you didn't, did you?
I can just see it now.. "Hold on sweetie, daddy's just going to grab the camera!"
Posted by: Chanel | January 16, 2008 at 05:17 PM