As odd as it was to be interviewed by the Japanese, it didn't hold a candle to being showered by Koreans.
Let me back up a bit.
It was late 2005, a month or two before the twins were born, and in the back of a Babies "R" Us, two Koreans had cornered my wife. Admittedly, this was not hard to do. Given her size and range of motion at the time, she could just as easily have been cornered by two pill bugs. As if you needed proof:
Sitting:
Standing:
The Koreans had clipboards and questions and the look of people way outside their comfort zone, like Lutherans with tambourines and flowered necklaces. They had been there for a while, wandering the store, timidly approaching people, and I had done my best to keep Sharon away from them, because I knew that whatever these people wanted, if Sharon could help, she would. And she'd probably bake them zucchini bread to go with it, too. And it turned out that what these people wanted was to shower an old pregnant lady. And videotape it.
Viola!
Okay, what they wanted was to interview an old pregnant lady, and in return, they would throw her a baby shower, and they would broadcast the entire thing on Korean TV. Of course, Sharon said yes. And then she rushed home to start grating the zucchini.
A few days later, our tiny New Jersey rental house was the scene of the most bizarre impromptu baby shower I've ever witnessed. The film crew arrived late in the evening, with wrapped presents, pink streamers, and a bowl of salad with no dressing. As they set up, we greeted our guests, who were really just neighbors as we had moved there not but a month before and we still knew very few people. Looking back on it, we probably should have brought in people from farther afield, because from that evening on, our neighbors never really looked at us the same again.
As everyone was getting into place, the producer told us two things about Korea. One, Korean women were beginning to have children later in life, and by that he meant in their late twenties. This has caused quite a bit of concern, because do you know what comes after having babies in your late twenties? Having babies in your early thirties! And what comes after that? America! America comes after that. America, with all its problems and social ills, comes when women start having babies in their late thirties. And that's why the film crew had been there that day, in the Paramus Babies "R" Us, looking for pregnant women in their late thirties to interview. The producer told us that, of all his previous assignments, this had surely been the hardest because it necessitated spending hours upon hours in that store approaching strange women asking, first, if they were pregnant and, then, their age, something that ranks up there with elective scrotal surgery in the pantheon of things men do not want to do.
The other thing we learned is that Koreans do not typically throw baby showers.
After a few minutes of filming idle chatter over salad, each guest was handed a pre-wrapped gift to present to my wife, then hustled over to a corner of the living room for an individual interview which always began with the same two questions: What gift did you bring to the shower, and why did you choose it? Strangely, neither of those two questions were actually included in the broadcast version of the event, possibly because the majority of the guests answered with "I don't know" and "I don't know" respectively. The questions following were much harder hitting, often including whether women over thirty-five should have children, and whether the guests thought my wife, sitting not five feet away and bending the room with the gravity of her bulk, was making a mistake. To their credit, nobody said yes to the latter. They didn't ask me.
A few months later, we received an envelope containing a videotape of the program. It turned out to be a sixty-minute science program about pregnancy, featuring footage of not one, not two, not three, but four complete vaginal deliveries, which is four more than I had ever seen up to that point. The baby shower came somewhere near the end, or so I was told by my wife who was still able to look directly at the television by that time. The whole program was in Korean with no subtitles, so we still have no idea what anyone was saying, and it will probably stay that way until we find someone with a strong constitution and the ability to speak Korean.
Maybe we'll look for just such a person at the Paramus Babies "R" Us.
Your life really is just one big sitcom, isn't it?
Posted by: Childsplayx2 | April 03, 2008 at 12:54 AM
That is the most amazing thing I have heard happening in a baby store. Still shaking my head ....
Posted by: Givinya De Elba | April 03, 2008 at 02:07 AM
"my wife, sitting not five feet away and bending the room with the gravity of her bulk"
A comment like that would get you castrated in my house... But damn if it isn't funny as hell!
Posted by: Margie Blystone | April 03, 2008 at 07:48 AM
How funny/strange! I'm Korean-American & still amazed at how strange my people can be... I just gave birth to my 2nd & my family was HORRIFIED that I had bare feet w/ a newborn! Oh the horrors! Let me mentioned that I'm in CA, and although it wasn't quite spring, it was in the high 60s.
Also, I refused to change my diet, so again, more horrified looks & statements that I wouldn't eat the seafood soup (supposed to help post-partum recovery), that I kept eating kimchi, and that I (gasp!) left the house w/ a newborn less than 30days old!!
If you really want the videotape translated, send it my way & I'll ask my mom to translate.
Posted by: Sun | April 03, 2008 at 08:21 AM
The comment about being herded by pill bugs nearly made my yogurt come out my nose. I have GOT to stop eating my breakfast when I read your blog, dude.
Posted by: Diane | April 03, 2008 at 09:57 AM
Sun,
Thanks for the offer but we kind of like it incomprehensible. After the initial shock of seeing so many babies come out of so many hoo-hoos, we've grown to like the video and have even made a social drinking game out of it. At this point, learning what they are saying could only diminish the experience.
Posted by: Brian | April 03, 2008 at 10:00 AM
Bravo, just bravo! What a great post-- how long have you been holding this one back, waiting for a dry spell?
I'm tempted to ask why stuff like this doesn't happen to me, but then I think I'd rather it didn't. Still, it makes for a hilarious and unique story.
Posted by: LiteralDan | April 03, 2008 at 10:14 AM
Is The Mom still speaking to you after the standing picture AND the "bending the room with the gravity of her bulk" comment? If so, she is definitely a keeper.
Posted by: Cassie | April 03, 2008 at 11:00 AM
When you were selecting your disadvantages, you selected "Weirdness Magnet" didn't you?
Gaming geeks, rejoice! It's a GURPS reference in a parenting blog.
Posted by: Hatchet | April 03, 2008 at 11:23 AM
Disturbing.
Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' | April 03, 2008 at 12:33 PM
i am having a very bad day and i just laughed out loud at this post. thank you.
Posted by: rosie | April 03, 2008 at 12:55 PM
Delurking to say:
"Maybe we'll look for just such a person at the Paramus Babies "R" Us."
What? Why would you visit Paramus Babies R Us? Are you trying to tell us something?
Posted by: anna | April 03, 2008 at 01:14 PM
Dear The Dad,
Just had to delurk and say that I've been enjoying your site since I crossed upon it by googling "poopy in the potty". I think you're a great writer (and I used to be an editor at Simon & Schuster, though it was of cookbooks). And, since I'm a 39 year old mother of a 2 year old, I feel like we are the same generation--um, but, thank god I've only got one! Anyway--lovin' it, keep writing!
Posted by: Janice | April 03, 2008 at 08:59 PM
Not to get to technical, but wouldn't that have been in 2004? Weren't the twins born in 2005? Just trying to keep my Looky Daddy facts straight!
Posted by: Jihlava bud | April 03, 2008 at 09:23 PM
Oh God, I had a typo!! Sorry!
Posted by: Jihlava bud | April 03, 2008 at 09:24 PM
2004, 2005, what's the difference? (Actually I chose to write 2005 on purpose to make my twins seem younger. That way I don't look like such a fuckwit since they are not potty-trained yet. Some Jihlava bud you are.)
Posted by: Brian | April 03, 2008 at 09:30 PM
Oops, then sorry to blow your cover! I'll just go back to lurking from now on.
Posted by: Jihlava bud still (I hope) | April 03, 2008 at 09:34 PM
hoo-hoos? They showed me a movie like that in my all-girls catholic high school parenting class. It's one way to insure birth control compliance!
Posted by: Amy | April 03, 2008 at 11:37 PM
That is perhaps one of the weirdest things I've ever heard.
"What is it and why did you choose it?"
"Well, it's a box and I chose it because you told me to take it. And for the record, I think they're making a HUGE mistake... ruining their lives. Make sure to get that somewhere between the crowning of the head and the final shove."
Posted by: loren | April 04, 2008 at 03:17 AM
I thought The Mom might castrate you just for calling her an "old pregnant lady", 'til I understood what those lurking video folks were thinking.
And the girls really aren't potty trained yet? Have you tried the training undies? They make for more puddles for the first day or so, but less so than regular undies, and remove the comfort of the absorbency of pull-ups or diapers. At least, it did the trick for Kiki, and she's just a couple months younger, and (mostly) trained to undies just after her third birthday (still in a pull-up at night, for "safety"). And you need the support of the pre-school teacher.
Posted by: Renata | April 04, 2008 at 12:10 PM
As a Korean-Canadian, I'm laughing at the weirdness and the absurdity of it all. You two must be the most laid back and cool people around, letting total strangers into your house and let them throw you a baby shower??!! Classic, they even had pre-wrapped gifts and sadly I'm not surprised with the inappropriate and personal questions. I would love to see the video, I bet it's hilarious. Though with my limited Korean skills I would probably be guessing at what they were actually saying.
Posted by: Angela | April 04, 2008 at 01:07 PM
oh my. That's pretty much all I can say!
Posted by: R | April 04, 2008 at 02:38 PM
you guys should go on wife swap or the surreal life...seriously.
Posted by: @ndrea | April 04, 2008 at 03:28 PM
Poor The Mom! So, were there actual gifts in those pre-wrapped boxes?
Posted by: Meg | April 04, 2008 at 04:03 PM
First, why haven't I seen this video and played said drinking game?!
Second, despite the fact that I've heard this story before and made you swear about 1,000 times that you weren't making it up, a part of me still doesn't believe that it happened. Seriously, WTF? It's just TOO wierd, even for you.
Finally, like Meg, I too want to know if you got any good gifts?
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | April 04, 2008 at 05:32 PM