Pink-ish

Flush. Wait. Plunger.

We have one bathroom in our new house. It's on the second floor.

Flush. Wait. Plunger.

The previous owners had the bathroom completely tiled, from the floor to about eye-level. The tiles are pink. Well, pink-ish.

Plunger plunger plunger.

Interspersed within this sea of pink tiles, every tenth tile or so, is a tile with a floral bouquet printed on it. The flowers are pink. The leaves and stems taper off and curl delicately.

Flush. Wait. Plunger.

The sink is the same color as the tile. The tub is the same color as the sink which is the same color as the tile.

Plunger plunger plunger.

The toilet is the same color as the sink, the tub, and the tile. It's pink. Well, pink-ish.

Plunger plunger plunger.

The toilet stops up a few times every week. It's the toilet paper.

Plunger plunger plunger!

With two preschoolers and a second grader, that toilet sees a lot of paper. Much of it superfluous.

Plunger Plunger Plunger!

With the grandparents here and my wife and I just back from Central America, that toilet saw a perfect storm of paper.

Plunger Plunger PLUNGER!

Whole trees went down that toilet.

PLUNGER PLUNGER PLUNGER!

Forests.

PLUNGER PLU--- Whoosh, gurgle gurgle. Aaah.

It took a long time to clear the pipes. Just not long enough. Because remember back at the beginning of the post, back when I said this house has just one bathroom? Well, that was a lie. There is a second bathroom. It's way, way down in our new basement. It's really more of a potential bathroom than an actual bathroom. Right now, it has no tile. No tile, no fixtures, no toilet, no nothing. It's just a small room with pipes coming out of the walls and a big open sewer pipe in the floor. And do you know what happens if you clog up your upstairs pipes with a big ol' wad of toilet paper, then plunger and plunger and plunger it all the way through the pipes, plunger it down two stories, plunger it through the basement, and plunger it just past that big open pipe in the floor of the basement bathroom? Well, then, you've made yourself a fountain.

A shit fountain.

Hurrah.

Comments

[Krys72599]

Last year our neighborhood suffered from a number of consecutive days of rain, so many that our basements flooded. We spent hours and hours, day after day, bailing out the basement. My husband went to my mom's house to bail her out, leaving me scooping and pouring and sweeping, not really making a dent in the rising waters. I turned around and it was coming in from our sewer. YUK! I called him and he came home to help me. BUT, my neighbor's basement topped mine - she has a picture of the water literally fountaining (is that a word?!) out of her toilet into her basement, to a height of 5-1/2 feet. The good news? She now has a newly renovated basement!

[Petunia]

Not sure where you moved to. How quickly can you get back to Liberty and get out of there again? Run fast, before doting grandparents leave.

[Brooke]

Hilarious! AND I love your blog. Keep on writing!

[Meredith]

Holy shit that sucks. It must be the curse of the pink tiles because we too have had something similar with the plumbing in our pink (and black) tiled bathroom, as did two of our friends who bought older homes with pink tiles.

[Colleen]

I think I gagged...about the bathroom.

the shit fountain was just funny.

[Nicole]

After the anonymous comment regarding open sewer pipes, I'm having a hard time picturing the shit fountain without some attendant rats. Especially because I first read that comment as advising you to stuff it full of rats to plug it.

[Danielle]

OMG. Holy shit, to be exact. You poor thing!

[Hatchet]

I am so sorry about your new basement "water feature". However, I had to laugh aloud and then read your entry aloud to my husband.

You are fabulous! And I feel your pain, but am I ever glad the fountain is not here in MY house!

[AuntieF]

A plumber once told me NEVER to use any other toilet paper than Scott's. It's 1000 sheets. OK it's thin, but if they use too much you're still OK. I notice they are now marking the pkgs "Septic Safe". It's the regular Scotts, not the new soft thicker one.

[swimming in laundry]

I think you must be living my life. I think it is more of a one plus twins thing than a pink tile thing. Nothing "exciting" happened to us until we had the twins. And now, it's just one big hourly "adventure"...

[jensfriendlisa]

Well, I have been there...3 times to be exact. Once on New Year's Eve with a house full of people and a basement full of shit. You have to downgrade to the cheap, ass-scratching toilet paper as I was told by my plumber. Not fun, but beats a shit fountain!

[Teri]

Your post reminded me of another shitty moment. Our house has a tank that holds all the toilet paper, pee and poop, grinds it up and then pumps it uphill to the sewer system. Two months after we moved into our brand new abode, we invited 60 of our nearest and dearest to an open house. An hour before everyone was due to arrive, we heard a loud piercing sound from the basement--it was the sewer pump alarm. Turns out the pump and grinder were no longer pumping and grinding!

[manager mom]

I have a finished basement, and (thank the good Lord) two bathrooms.

But a visit from my Uncle Eddie (who never met a vegetable he would eat) saw him clog up our first floor bathroom.

Apparently he didn't grasp the finer nuances of how to use a plunger... because he kept trying to flush until the toilet ran over, and we found ourselves with a nice "shitterfall"- (shit and water pouring into the newly finished basement.)

[Sue]

May I make a suggestion? Single ply TP. For those who prefer a handful to a few sheets, it clogs less. This is the voice of experience speaking - vast experience with a plunger.

[Taado]

Ok, my first thought at the "pinkish" title was about the line on the pregnancy test. The shit fountain is almost a water feature by comparison.

Due to similarly poor flushing abilities, I have arranged for my husband to get a new toilet for his birthday. And thanks to the pink bathroom remodel of my childhood, I even know how to install it for him.

Funny what qualifies as a truly thoughtful gift after a few years of marriage?

[Velma]

Oh, I'm so sorry... sorry for laughing so hard at your misfortune.

[Michell]

Wow, the vacation sounds absolutely fantastic. The shit fountain at home?? Not so much. Sounds rather yucky as does the whole pink bathroom. I can't decide if the pink bathroom is worse than the robins egg blue one I have or not.

[Tracey]

Hurrah?

Looky, Daddy!

[Renata]

Maybe it's not bad basement karma. Maybe it's good karma that you HAVE a basement, if this sort of thing must happen wherever you hang your hat in Jersey.

[James Austin]

Wow, a shit fountain. Sounds lovely, but is it worse that that fountain of pink-ish shit that you can't clean up as easily?

Pondering....

[Sadia]

I suppose it's just the house saying, "Welcome home. I missed you."

[@ndrea]

shit fountain?!
oh my gosh, i just threw up in my mouth a little. is there a shut off valve tucked away...somewhere...back there?
maybe you should have your house blessed.

[Victoria]

Oh noes!

[loren]

was it the fifties or forties that brought with it pink bathrooms? either way, I hope those days never return, along with tight-rolled pants.

[Anne Prince]

LD - where are you? Are you still up to your eyeballs in shit? Or is there some new calamity befalling the LD household these days?