That's the Way I Like It

It's a two-hour round trip from our house and the apple-picking farm.

It takes ten minutes for three kids to pick more apples than we could eat in a month. Half that if there's a gentle but unexpected rain falling.

There is something wrong with this.

There are probably closer pick-your-own farms, but honestly, despite the unequal drive-to-fun ratio, I doubt we'll try any of them. We really like ours. It's cheap. It has none of the things that many suburban New Jersey families seem to crave in a farm, there's no corn maze, no petting zoo, no haystack pyramid, but what the farm lacks in family-friendly amenities, it makes up for in surliness.

"How are the trees this year?" my wife asked, spreading across her face her honest but twitchy smile, the only kind she can make anymore.

The woman just stared at her. Somewhere down in her phlemy, leathered throat, she made a grunt. Perhaps it was gas.

"Good! Good!" I jumped in, clapping my hands and rubbing them together like she had just told us the apples were made of gold this year, or the trees had won a battle with cancer.

The woman spoke. "You gonna want the hayride?" Hayride? There'd never been a hayride before. I don't know which shocked me more, the awkward attempt at commercialism or the woman's voice, sounding like a uneasy cross between barbed wire and hate.

"Sure!"

There was neither hay nor much of a ride in the hayride. It started at the farmhouse an ended only about a hundred meters away in the apple orchard. As the driver pulled our hayless trailer down to the rows of apple trees, he yelled back to ask us what kind we were picking today. At this farm there are dozens of varieties of apples, jonagold, gala, empire, macintosh, and many more, each with their own section of the farm. "The red kind!" I yelled back, just to see the expression on his face. It didn't disappoint.

When the ride stopped less than a minute from when it began, the girls unanimously declared it the best hayride ever.

The apple picking went quickly. Preschoolers exercise no judgment when picking apples. If it is red and in reach, it gets picked. They might as well be choosing vice-presidents for all the care they take. I started off trying to stay on top of this, trying to sort the good from the bad as the apples were dropped into the basket, but I had only two hands and they had four, and I simply couldn't keep up. Besides, most of these apples were going to become applesauce anyway, so what did it matter if many of them were halfway there when they were picked. Kathryn did try to help, calling out repeatedly, "No, Honey! Not that one!" when a twin reached for a particularly mushy specimen, but because Kathryn neither tries nor cares enough to tell the twins apart, nobody knew to whom she was yelling. The helpfulness of her strategy was compromised from the get-go.

Halfway through, a light but surprisingly cold rain began to fall and by the time we had our apples bagged and paid for, we were all wet and chilled to the bone. We loaded the apples in the minivan, stripped the girls down to their underwear, wrapped them all in blankets and towels, and drove the hour back home, listening to Ben Lee's Catch My Disease thirty times in a row, because that's the way we like it, that's the way we like it.

At one point on the drive home, Sharon swiveled around in her seat and asked the naked masses, "Who had a good time picking apples today?" "ME!" three voices yelled in unison, and as Sharon turned back around, I caught a glimpse of her honest but twitchy smile, the only kind she can make anymore.

Comments

[~annie]

Wonderful post! My favorite line was the one about the already halfway to applesauce apples. Sounds like some sort of life lesson right there.

[Candie]

"They might as well have been picking vice presidents with all the care they took"? Too funny LD! Do you think Senator McCain reads this blog because that would be super!

[Katherine]

I LOVE that Kathryn doesn't bother to differentiate the twins. Says something about her, I'm just not sure what, exactly.

[Russ]

No corn maze (maize maze?), no straw pyramid, no petting farm, and surly owners. Tell me again why I moved away from NJ?

[Pretty Jane]

I like your wife more the more I learn about her. And I like that YOU clearly like her, too.

Are you sure they WEREN'T picking VPs? Toss 'em in a basket, etc. etc?

[Mort's Mom]

Now this is perzactly what I meant. These are the times your girls will remember long after the rough stuff has faded away.

[Amanda]

Aw, Daddy. You guys rock. Happy girls, happy mama, happy days.

Rock, Rock, Rock.

[The Mom]

I think you mean "'cause that's how Lila likes it." She sure does LOVE that song.

[Cynthia]

I love that Kathryn doesn't try to tell the twins apart. My big girl refers to both of her twin brothers as "buddy", she doesn't try either! Glad you had a good time with the apples.

[feefifoto]

This year my kids decided they were too old to go apple picking or pumpkin picking. I'm sad but also relieved, especially about the apples. You see, apple farms in our area are all in the next state which means that I have to cross state lines to get there, which I hate because our neighboring state has these really stupid highway signs that all point the wrong direction. I know that I always head east to reach our downtown area, but these dumb signs insist I need to go west to get there and that's just plain wrong and probably a communist conspiracy besides.

[3-Martini Jennifer]

Your kids have much better taste in music than mine! I have to listen to Pat Benetar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" over and over and over and over and over... They think the lyrics are "Everybody Best Side", which I must admit is funny enough to deaden the pain a bit....

Glad you finally had a nice weekend! Now bring me some apples.

[Astrogirl426]

I still remember going apple picking with my family down (way back when, it was up, because we lived in NYC) at Masker's Orchard. I remember eating the apples right off the tree (as my mother shrieked, "Rinse them first!", because OBVIOUSLY that will remove every trace of the 80 lbs of pesticide they spray on those suckers), having our lunch in the grass, and picking more apples than we knew what to do with. One of my favorite memories. Your kids will always remember.

[googleaddict]

I'm obsessed with this song now! I'm afraid to think what this says about my level of maturity. Oh wait, I've always wanted to be like Lila...

[Tammy]

This is exactly my favorite kind of farm story. Bravo!

[Heidi number 2 but whose counting...]

We were at the place with the endless crowds and cheesy hay pyramid. You were soooo right to avoid it. Apple picking as a kid is one of my best memories - too bad it was never with my parents. You and the mom done good! Glad to hear you had a sweet day, and well-earned if I do say so.

[muskrat]

my parents used to take me out into the middle of nowhere to pick horse apples. i don't think they liked me all that much.

[Amy]

Yay! Happy post! Happy post!
(Honestly, I was waiting for the story to end with a bee attack, or some kind of dreadful farm equipment accident.)

[Karen]

My parents took us up to Michigan (from Chicago) a few times to pick blueberries. I remember stuffing myself with blueberries as I filled my bucket and we would always have way more than we knew what to do with, just like you and your apples, haha! We spent a few hours picking, blueberries are much smaller than apples and so take longer to pick, especially when most go in the mouth in the beginning, fun times!

[Angela]

Love the comparison to the VP pick, made me laugh out loud! Sounds like you had a really great day, I hope most of your days will have as much fun and great memories. You are a very talented writer, thank you for sharing.

[Bennie]

"but because Kathryn neither tries nor cares enough to tell the twins apart, nobody knew to whom she was yelling. The helpfulness of her strategy was compromised from the get-go."

That's just brilliant stuff, my friend. BTW, best bumper sticker I saw over the weekend: Shalom Y'all! I definitely thought of you.

[Natalie]

And no one ended up in the hospital! Success!

[Jerri Ann]

I have never been apple picking and until this year, I've never even heard of it. This season though, I've read blog after blog about people doing this. HUmmmm, we did a pumpkin patch with a hayride and a bouncy house, does that count?

Also, we are trying to conduct a de-lurking day tomorrow, is there any chance you would join us. I have buttons and code on my blog if you would like to play along. Oh and make me happier than picking apples.

[rosie]

"They might as well be choosing vice-presidents for all the care they take".

laughed out loud like a lunatic at this one. we took my 2 1/2 year old twins apple picking for the first time last week. the grass was up to their waists, there were bees everywhere and they had an amazing time.

[Marianne]

Sounds like everyone had a good time despite the rain at the end. I laughed at Kathryn's attempts to help; I could almost hear my twins saying that to one another as they picked apples (they like to argue--about anything and everything--so telling the other what to do or NOT to do is an excellent way to seed those arguments).

[beyond]

at the risk of sounding cheesy... beautiful love-tribute to your wife.