Ambulation

The difference is night and day. Last time we did this, Kathryn was admitted into the hospital for three days. Vacation days had to be called in and so did babysitters. Dread and angst filled the air. And then there was the hot dog.

Oh God, the hot dog. It had a plastic bag inside it. Inside the casing. Kathryn took a bite, made a face, then with her forefinger and thumb she reached into the weiner and began pulling out a plastic bag. It could have been billed as the grossest magic trick ever. The bag just kept coming and coming as she tugged. I half expected a string of multicolored handkerchiefs to be tied to its end, red, blue, green, yellow, emerging to ohhs and ahhs from the audience, freeing meat by-product as they came. The nurse on her rounds declared the bag-dog combo the nastiest thing she had ever seen, and you know when a hospital nurse says that, you've got something special.

So this time, when our neurologist told us they had an ambulatory EEG device, something they could hook up to Sparky's noggin then send her home, we said, yes, please, that would be lovely.

And so what, you may wonder, do you do when you are an eight-year-old out of school for three days, hooked up to an ambulatory EEG device? With over two-dozen electrodes glued to your scalp and chest, trailing wires down your back to little black box? Well, you ambulate. And, if you are Kathryn, you mess with people.

"Can I get a cup of coffee?" I asked the waitress.

"Sure," she said, then turned to Kathryn. "And would you like anything, honey?" she asked.

Tap tap clatter clatter tap tap, my fingers flew.

Kathryn cocked her head slightly to the side, opened her mouth, and spoke in a monotone. "bacon-egg-and-cheese-sandwich-please."

Tap clatter tap tap.

"and-a-glass-of-milk."

To be fair, attaching the keyboard to the black box wasn't exactly Kathryn's idea, but she was the one who took the idea and ran with it. And while she ran, she made little whirring sounds under her breath.

Never has a cyborg's father been so proud.

Comments

[3-Martini Jennifer]

Wow, she sure is her father's daughter, huh?

[Scatteredmom]

Oh that hot dog just seriously grossed me out. And I don't get grossed out easily. EWWWWW!!!!!!!!

[Angela]

You have your hands full. Awesome sense of humor already

[Elizabeth]

The hot dog is -- well, incredible. Since I'm new to your blog, I've been checking for a new post all day for days, it seems like. So, I'm glad that you're back. And sorry to hear about the ever relentless seizure slog. Hope you get some information (and feel free to contact me at any time -- I was a founder of NYC-based People Against Childhood Epilepsy www.paceusa.org, which has some great resources and holds a fantastic fundraiser every other year in the city.

[Chris]

Aww.. Poor kid. And *gag* at the hotdog! We were GONNA have hotdogs for dinner, but not now!! Thank you.

Sounds like your house motto is "When life hands you lemons.... screw with people!!" LOL

[Laura]

Kathryn is fantastic! She sounds like she'd be so much fun to hang around with. Can I adopt her? Not as my child of course, she has great parents. But like a niece. She'd be really cool to have as a niece. Think she'd like another aunt? Would you ask her???

[Kate]

I once pulled a plastic bag outta my mom's dogs butt. I felt like a magician that day too.

[Mel]

That is just messed up! I love it! My hubby likes to go into places like the ER or other serious places speaking wierd foriegn accents. It embarrasses the hell out of me, which is the part he loves best... sounds like you two would get along!

[Jen]

Kathryn is awesome.

[Joy]

I don't suppose you need me to point out that a large part of the reason why you are a SAHD is because it gives you an excuse to behave like a child.

[Sheryl]

I absolutely can't wait to read Kathryn's blog some day. You should be proud ;)

[loren]

"...you know when a hospital nurse says that, you've got something special." Yes, yes you do.

Ick.

[kaitlyn]

Oh my goodness. Best of luck with the seizures, I second Sheryl. Ha.

[Sue]

Mmmmm... institutional food from New Jersey, and Kathryn threw out the tastiest part!

If you've ever seen how hotdogs are extruded you'd know exactly how that plastic bag got in there.

[Tranny Head]

Ok, so I'm coming over here on advice of BurghBaby and can I just say that's the greatest thing EVER? I mean - not the hot dog thing. That's gagtacular. But the cyborg child thing. That's totally fantastic.

And I wish you all the best of luck getting some information on the seizures.

[Burgh Baby]

I opened my Reader to find that I had 666 unread items. So, of course I picked you as my first read.

So totally perfect. I want my own cyborg, just minus the seizures. Hopefully you can have a seizure-free one soon as well.

[Tammy]

Well, thanks for ruining hot dogs for me forever. Or at least for a little while. The cyborgs, however, have gone up several notches in my heart.

[Rattling the Kettle]

Where's the video?

[Fawn]

ROTFL

Wow! An ambulatory EEG! What will they think of next? Cyborg children?

[Jamie]

The hotdog thing is about more than I want to imagine. UGH!

I admire how you have fun with the situation.

[mommymae]

if you really did that, that's some funny shit. did no one around you shoot their orange juice out of their nose?

[beastarzmom]

God, that would have been fun to see...

[Anne]

I look forward to when I can read Kathryn's blog ;)

Your blog has been mentioned on mine today. Come have a look. http://annejdl.blogspot.com/

Cheers!

[Anne Prince]

I LOVE it!!!

[Jojo]

Pure genius!

When I was a kid, my sister had surgery on her neck. The day after she had the stitches removed, we went down the shore. Her incision popped open while she was swimming in the ocean. On the way off the beach to go to the hospital, my dad stopped at the life guard, pointed at her gapping wound, and asked for a band-aide. They both managed to hold back laughter while the life guard sputtered and tried to encourage them to go to the hospital.

Cyborg child tops that. A lot!