The difference is night and day. Last time we did this, Kathryn was admitted into the hospital for three days. Vacation days had to be called in and so did babysitters. Dread and angst filled the air. And then there was the hot dog.
Oh God, the hot dog. It had a plastic bag inside it. Inside the casing. Kathryn took a bite, made a face, then with her forefinger and thumb she reached into the weiner and began pulling out a plastic bag. It could have been billed as the grossest magic trick ever. The bag just kept coming and coming as she tugged. I half expected a string of multicolored handkerchiefs to be tied to its end, red, blue, green, yellow, emerging to ohhs and ahhs from the audience, freeing meat by-product as they came. The nurse on her rounds declared the bag-dog combo the nastiest thing she had ever seen, and you know when a hospital nurse says that, you've got something special.
So this time, when our neurologist told us they had an ambulatory EEG device, something they could hook up to Sparky's noggin then send her home, we said, yes, please, that would be lovely.
And so what, you may wonder, do you do when you are an eight-year-old out of school for three days, hooked up to an ambulatory EEG device? With over two-dozen electrodes glued to your scalp and chest, trailing wires down your back to little black box? Well, you ambulate. And, if you are Kathryn, you mess with people.
"Can I get a cup of coffee?" I asked the waitress.
"Sure," she said, then turned to Kathryn. "And would you like anything, honey?" she asked.
Tap tap clatter clatter tap tap, my fingers flew.
Kathryn cocked her head slightly to the side, opened her mouth, and spoke in a monotone. "bacon-egg-and-cheese-sandwich-please."
Tap clatter tap tap.
"and-a-glass-of-milk."
To be fair, attaching the keyboard to the black box wasn't exactly Kathryn's idea, but she was the one who took the idea and ran with it. And while she ran, she made little whirring sounds under her breath.
Never has a cyborg's father been so proud.
LD, that was exceptional. Does Professor Stephen Hawking know that Kathryn is stealing his material?
I need to know how the waitress reacted. Also, exactly how hard did The Mom slap you when she found out about your jolly jape?
Wonderful stuff and in my considered opinion that award should have had your name on it.
Posted by: Mort's Mom | January 16, 2009 at 08:56 AM
It was only a plastic bag... what's so gross about that? Now I got meself thinking what really WOULD be gross...
Posted by: LW | January 16, 2009 at 09:12 AM
what a double whammy in this post--the hot dog (mentally spewing) and yet another example of Kathryn's awesomeness. Classic Looky, Daddy! material, I must say.
Posted by: R | January 16, 2009 at 11:03 AM
Or, she could've asked for a quart of 10W30 instead of milk....
Hope the results come back good.
(English is optional on Friday)
Posted by: Catizhere | January 16, 2009 at 11:06 AM
I was absolutely certain that the hotdog/plastic bag was some kind of metaphor for something... but I kept on reading and no, huh, it appears that it wasn't. Ergh.
Posted by: Twice Five Miles | January 16, 2009 at 11:23 AM
That is TOO FUNNY! I guess the apple dosen't fall far from the tree, eh?
Posted by: LIB | January 16, 2009 at 11:50 AM
"...you know when a hospital nurse says that, you've got something special."
Especially if you re-post a link to Andy's parents Something Special euphemism.
Dear, sweet Kathryn.
Posted by: CJ | January 16, 2009 at 01:22 PM
Sorry - Andy's parents' Something Special euphemism. I hate it when I make a grammar mistake on an English major's blog.
You were an English major, right?
Posted by: CJ | January 16, 2009 at 01:27 PM
That is the best thing EVER! I would have SO paid to see that.
Posted by: Five Left Feet | January 16, 2009 at 01:53 PM
Okay that...that needs a picture. And dear God, NOT of the hotdog. /runs to hork/
You guys rock.
And fingers crossed for you and the cyborg - hoping for some good answers from this little black box. :)
Posted by: Val | January 16, 2009 at 05:19 PM
I love your writing of these things.
Posted by: Victoria | January 17, 2009 at 12:42 AM
Took me a minute, but MAN that's good stuff. Way to make something positive out of absolute sheer craptastic events.
Posted by: whall | January 17, 2009 at 02:15 AM
I think I love her. You are a lucky lucky dad.
Posted by: Mary Ellen | January 17, 2009 at 01:17 PM
Hilarious, good for Kathryn making fun out of having electrodes on her head!
Re: the hotdog...gross! I would hope my favorite brand, Hebrew National, who answer to a Higher Authority, might be less apt to have an incident of this sort....LOL! But I know in general, the less one knows about how hot dogs are made the better!
Posted by: Mauigirl | January 17, 2009 at 01:57 PM
Fantastic! Looky Daddy and Kathryn are a great team! Next time around I want to be a dad. Kids never go for this kind of stuff coming from moms. No fair.
Posted by: ~annie | January 18, 2009 at 09:45 AM
I just saw your tweet and YOU SUCK!
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | January 18, 2009 at 03:40 PM
Oh my god! How much did you sue the hot dog company for?
Posted by: geminimama | January 20, 2009 at 09:12 AM
That is awesome (the willing cyborg part.) Your kid is so cool!
Posted by: Jess | January 20, 2009 at 10:00 AM
Ha ha ha! One of those "when life gives you lemons, make chocolate milk" moments!
Posted by: Colleen - Mommy Always Wins | January 20, 2009 at 04:39 PM
Hugs and prayers.
You all seem to be coping well! (Man, she's cooler with that junk attached than I was without it....)
Posted by: WhyMommy | January 20, 2009 at 08:46 PM
Hey Brian,
I've not had the pleasure of seeing a pic of The Mom before now. I checked out the pic you linked to twitter.
WOW - the girls look just like her. It's like they're mini- Sharons. Very cool.
On another note - Yay for Obama - goodbye to idiocy!!!
Posted by: Laura | January 20, 2009 at 10:10 PM
I once reached into a horse's mouth and down it's throat to pull out the plastic bag it was choking on. I didn't feel like a magician, I was just scared. But so glad I found it.
Posted by: wondering | January 25, 2009 at 04:26 PM
I love the cyborg kid! Kids with a sense of humor totally rock!
Oh, and the plastic bag in the hotdog? Eewww!!!
Posted by: 'cuz I'm the mommy, that's why | February 25, 2009 at 01:49 AM