Very little of this blog happens in real time, but my wife is mad. She is mad now. Her eyes are narrow and dark and to look in them would be to risk a cut, a pint of blood, a lost limb. Okay, maybe not that, maybe just a finger, but still I'm not looking at them. Not directly. And I'm not even the one she's mad at.
"She called me a bad mother," my wife said when she came home. It was a bit anticlimactic, because the three girls had run in before her, dusted in snow, to tell me first. They were beside themselves with excitement. "Those are the exact words she used," Sharon continued, as I helped the kids off with their snow clothes. "She said, 'You are a bad mother.'"
Being a mother sucks. Any choice they make, somebody is going to tell them it's wrong. Everyone from learned people to crackpots. But mostly crackpots.
"The girls were chasing some pigeons, trying, you know, to get them to poop on them--"
"We were saying 'Poop on me! Poop on me!'" the girls, all three of them, interject. We are a troubled family.
"--and this woman comes over and asks the girls to stop, saying they are abusing the pigeons. So I said, no ma'am, they're exercising the pigeons. And then she tells me that I need to stop them because kids who abuse animals grow up to be serial killers."
"Poop on me! Poop on me!" the girls yell, and for a minute I think serial killers may be an improvement on what we're raising.
"Chasing pigeons is not animal abuse, is it?" Sharon asks, her tone changing, softening, but I still won't look at her eyes, not her eyes.
"No. Of course not," I say.
"Pigeons aren't even animals."
"No. Not even animals." Don't look up.
There is a pause. This could go either way. I hold my breath.
"This is your blog's fault, you know." Don't move, say nothing, avoid eye contact. "Nobody in this family'd be chasing pigeons, yelling 'Poop on me!' if it weren't for your blog."
"They said it is supposed to bring luck," I say.
"There's got to be a limit to how much luck it can bring."
"Probably," I agree, "but you know, serial killers need as much luck as they can get."
Turns out, it wasn't the eyes I needed to be worried about.
Please, everyone who chooses to comment below, preface your statement by saying you know I was exaggerating our conversation for a bit of light-hearted humor. DO NOT say that my wife sounds dangerously unstable. That would NOT be helpful. And send Bactine.
Posted by: Brian | January 11, 2009 at 01:26 AM
I know that you were exaggerating your conversation for a bit of light-hearted humor but I truly hope that the pigeons heard that ignorant woman's comments and when she hopped off of her soapbox and returned to her car, she couldn't touch the door handles because of all the poo!!! And I hope they return tomorrow to crap down the back of her shirt!
Posted by: Chris | January 11, 2009 at 02:38 AM
I'm laughing so hard right now that my stomach hurts...!!
'Poop on me! Poop on me!'"
Posted by: creative type dad | January 11, 2009 at 02:48 AM
Rats of the sky. They deserve a little harassment, surely? Just as long as they don't poop on me...
Posted by: Mia Mamma | January 11, 2009 at 03:23 AM
That's the pigeons, not the kids, or the mother. Who is a good mother, not a bad mother, or indeed, a bad motherf*%#. Unless of course she wants to be.
Posted by: Mia Mamma | January 11, 2009 at 03:25 AM
Oh poor Sharon.
I dont know what actually happened and what was exaggerated. That being said:
Did that woman really say that to a woman with 3 children 2 of of whom are twins? Clearly she has no children of her own. As far as I'm concerned as long as they weren't shooting b-bs at the pigeons they're fine. Pigeons are flying rats anyway. It's not like they were torturing cats.
Posted by: Laura | January 11, 2009 at 05:03 AM
I grew up in NYC and we (four kids) used to run towards the pigeons to get them to fly away and then they would poop all over everyone. We must have known that by running at them they would freak out and start flying-which seemed pretty cool to us. So we obviously liked scaring the pigeons. This was in the 60's and 70's. And so far, last time I checked, none of us have turned out to be serial killers. Or animal abusers.
Posted by: Jennifer | January 11, 2009 at 08:11 AM
Laura, the post is, for Brian, surprisingly accurate. Everything from being told my girls would be serial killers down to them running around chanting "Poop on me!" was totally legit. The only thing that he made up was me blaming the blog, which I didn't do, and I have sweet, kind eyes.
A little bit of exercise never hurt anyone, not even a pigeon.
Posted by: The Mom | January 11, 2009 at 08:35 AM
Sharon, thanks for clarifying the accuracy of Brian's story. We never know what to believe!
And you are an excellent mother. Tired, perhaps, but also excellent. :-)
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | January 11, 2009 at 08:44 AM
I'm sorry. So sorry. I feel responsible for the whole affair. The only thing I can suggest is that you tell me where to find this defender of pigeons (how cruel to make a bird do something it naturally does by choice almost every other minute)and I will administer the "Whacking Broom of Common Sense" until she sees reason.
Posted by: Mort's Mom | January 11, 2009 at 09:04 AM
I have the biggest crush on you right now. This post is awesome.
Posted by: anne nahm | January 11, 2009 at 09:24 AM
As one who promoted the poop on me for luck bit, I have to say, good for the girls! Also, as a social worker who has studied and worked with psychopaths... I can definitively tell you that as long as they are only looking for poop, you are good. If they start setting them on fire or breaking their necks, then worry. Also, perhaps the Mom should have asked the woman for her address, you know, so the little serial killers could find her more easily.
Posted by: Clare | January 11, 2009 at 10:20 AM
If chasing pigeons is wrong, then my dog is a serial killer.
Posted by: Dog Mom | January 11, 2009 at 10:47 AM
As a New Yorker who grew up near Riverside Park, I can't wait to call my brothers and tell them that we are all serial killers! And my mom! She'll be so proud...
Posted by: googleaddict | January 11, 2009 at 11:03 AM
Constipated old women like that one who hassled your wife will find fault regardless. If your children had been sitting on the park bench quietly with their hands folded in prayer, the woman would probably have scolded Sharon for keeping such a tight rein. I hope pigeons poop on that gal. Copiously.
Posted by: Carrie | January 11, 2009 at 11:09 AM
Color me sycophantic, but it's posts like this that make me wonder why any of your competitors garnered even a single vote.
Posted by: Amy the Mom | January 11, 2009 at 11:27 AM
HA! I just found your blog and I love it. That's hysterical.
Posted by: Cynthiaa | January 11, 2009 at 11:38 AM
Don't forget to cast your vote at the 2008 weblog awards. LD is in the lead with 1,511 votes and 4tunate has 1,496!
Posted by: Teri | January 11, 2009 at 11:46 AM
Opinions are like assholes: everyone has one, and some smell worse than others. Doling out parental advice to a total stranger is a pretty clear indication of a very stinky ass.
Posted by: Burgh Baby | January 11, 2009 at 11:56 AM
I just wrote a comment over at momversation on this very topic.
Strangers who make random parenting judgments on children they've seen for all of three minutes are complete and utter idiots.
Sharon should've leaned over and said,
"Well geez, that's what we were hoping for, you know?"
Posted by: Scatteredmom | January 11, 2009 at 12:20 PM
I swear.
I wouldn't have thought of this at the time, of course, but I would like to think that if a woman told me that by allowing my children to chase pigeons I was training them for careers in serial killing...
...that I'd have given her my best grin, winked, and said, "I know. Isn't it awesome?"
PS -- I spent my childhood chasing chickens, geese, and cattle around. Once or twice I shot a cow with a low-power BB gun just for kicks. I haven't killed anyone....yet.
Posted by: Michelle | January 11, 2009 at 12:40 PM
ok, i missed the bird poop thing, but your wife is awesome. she didnt let that lady make her change what she was doing with the kids. shes a good mom, i know this because your kids came into the house happy and excited.
probably that lady was a serial killer! and she was trying to distract her.
also, good move on the avoiding eye contact.
Posted by: lorrie | January 11, 2009 at 02:07 PM
The mom -
You should have just told the kids to go annoy the mean old lady who has far too much time on her hands for implying that you were a bad mother.
That would have taught her a lesson. :)
Posted by: MissMarie | January 11, 2009 at 02:38 PM
Dear Mrs Looky Daddy, next time just say this:
Well, they only have a few weeks to live and their doctors say I should let them do whatever they want in the meantime, so thanks but you won't have to worry about them growing up to be anything.
And then walk away. Works EVERY time.
Posted by: Mr Lady | January 11, 2009 at 03:32 PM
Also, Mrs Looky Daddy, if he's not scared to death of you, you're doing it wrong. I say let him sweat. :)
Posted by: Mr Lady | January 11, 2009 at 03:34 PM