It was thirty minutes to midnight when someone suggested we turn on the television, so we did. Because we're American. TV helps us know how to feel and when to feel it.
And there, sandwiched between the improbable eyefulls of the Pussycat Dolls and Fergie, we had Dick Clark. Or what used to be Dick Clark.
"He's had a stroke," someone called out in his defense, as if we didn't already know it, as if putting it in words would somehow lessen its impact. As if it would stop the appalling jokes about to be made. And really, the jokes, when they flew, were almost in self-defense, almost put out there in an attempt to refill the room with the air that Dick Clark's strangely animatronic face had sucked out. It was New Year's Eve, people! There were minutes to go until midnight, and there was our friends' wide-screened TV confronting us with just what the passage of time meant: Old age. Stroke. Death.
Eventually, Dick won and our party was silenced, at least while he was on the screen. The man's face looked like it had been made from two molded plastic masks, hinged together at the jaw. The two pieces didn't fit together correctly, so his words, words that were telling us to celebrate, to rejoice in a new year, were coming out slurred. When he spoke, a few more jokes were floated only to be met with groans and jeers, but mostly we all just sat there in silence, feeling sorry. Sorry for Dick Clark, on whom hardship had fallen, but mostly, if I am to be honest, we felt sorry for ourselves, sorry that at the very apex of our celebration, our TV, which can so often be counted on to bring us only the beautiful, the titillating, the objects of our desires, had brought us something altogether different. Our TV had betrayed us.
It didn't even help when the screen finally cut away to show both Bill and Hillary Clinton pushing their hands down on a big sparkly ball to announce the New Year. Though that did give the comedians in the group significantly better material to work with.
At the stroke of midnight, sloppy toasts and even sloppier kisses rescued us from any lasting damage that may have been made by our uninvited guest, he for whom bells had so visibly rung.
It was when the second round of champagne was being poured that Kathryn came downstairs, her footed pajamas contrasting delightfully with her eight-and-a-half years, and it didn't take more than a glance to see why she had broken away from the kiddie slumber party upstairs. Her mouth was curled down and to the left, stuck and unresponsive, like the top of her face no longer fit correctly with the bottom. She had had a seizure.
"I had a seizure," she told the gathering, her locked jaw making the last word sheeshur.
As if we didn't already know it.
As if putting it in words would somehow lessen its impact.
Such an event was not wholly unexpected. Proper rest, the best deterrent for nighttime seizures, is short in supply over the holidays, and even scarcer on New Year's Eve. We declared it an isolated incident, and slept easily that night, as easily as any of you did. But today is January 4th, and Kathryn has now had more seizures in 2009 than 2009 has had days.
Her brain, which can so often be counted on to bring us only the beautiful, the humorous, the objects of our adoration, is instead bringing us something altogether different. Her brain is betraying us.
I'm so sorry. I hope that's it, all just a result of too much reveling in the holiday spirit, now to be gone, gone. Poor kid.
Posted by: Karen | January 04, 2009 at 06:38 PM
I am so, so sorry that 2009 is off to such a rough start. Here's hoping and praying that things smooth out soon!
Posted by: Lora | January 04, 2009 at 07:42 PM
I am so very sorry that Kathryn is suffering from seizures, my heart goes out to you and The Mom. As a parent,I know we would take the place of our children when they suffer or get hurt and the helplessness we feel when we can't. I am hoping and praying that Kathryn's health improves. Your honesty and your brilliant writing is truly inspiring, thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Angela | January 04, 2009 at 07:48 PM
Oh My, Oh My Oh My. And how mature and aware she is about it all. Sweet Gal.
Happy and Healthy New Year to you and yours!
Posted by: farmers.wife | January 04, 2009 at 08:00 PM
That's not a good year at all.
I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Sadia | January 04, 2009 at 09:07 PM
I just wanted to say that you and your family are in my thoughts. I hope you and the doctors are able to get Kathryn's seizures under more control. I wish you guys a healthier new year.
Still a faithful reader,
~Robyn
Posted by: Robyn | January 04, 2009 at 09:22 PM
That's awful. I'm delurking to wish you all a medical change of pace swiftly.
Posted by: Susan | January 04, 2009 at 09:39 PM
Oh, I'm so sorry, poor Kathryn, and poor you and The Mom. I hope she gets past this setback very soon and that 2009 improves very soon for all of you.
Posted by: Mauigirl | January 04, 2009 at 09:53 PM
I hope the rest of 2009 is much better than these first 4 days. I can't imagine what it's like to watch your child go through that. Sending hugs and good vibes and fairy dust to the whole family. I wish I could do more than that. When the magic wand finally comes in the mail I will waive it and banish Kathryn's siezures. And the twins' vomiting.
Posted by: Laura | January 04, 2009 at 10:28 PM
I wish I knew what was going on with Kathryn. I wish I could give you some tips, or tricks, or something to make it better. It hurts me knowing that you only want to heal her, to stop this from happening, and sometimes it seems you're powerless to do so.
Since I don't know what to tell you, I will tell you this: you and your family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers, and just know there's people in Central NY sending healing thoughts your way.
Posted by: Val | January 04, 2009 at 10:44 PM
That sucks beyond sucketh. Your poor, brave little girl. I hope that 2009 brings a medical regimen that can help keep the seizures at bay.
I watched Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin on CNN. I hate to see Dick Clark struggle like that. I'm glad for him that they still have him do it, but I can't watch it.
Posted by: Chickenpig | January 04, 2009 at 11:09 PM
What a scary way to start the new year. I hope things get better for her.
Posted by: VegasDad | January 04, 2009 at 11:34 PM
Keeping Kathryn in my prayers.
Posted by: Karalyn | January 04, 2009 at 11:44 PM
all clouds have silver linings... I think your family needs some new clouds though, the ones you are under have somewhat tarnished silver linings.
I hope that the new year takes a turn for the better and that everyone has a healthy 2009 overall.
Posted by: MarianneD | January 05, 2009 at 04:38 AM
Oh, crap. I'm so sorry to hear about Kathryn... Sending hugs and prayers.
Posted by: ~annie | January 05, 2009 at 09:12 AM
Thanks, everyone. I really mean that. It is so great to have a support system like you guys, if for no other reason than it takes a lot of the pressure off my wife. She's not so good at the whole validating-my-emotions thing.
As an update, two nights back in New Jersey = two nights seizure free, so far. Maybe it's the chemicals in the air...
Posted by: Brian | January 05, 2009 at 10:20 AM
I so hope that the seizure-free nights continue. Scary doesn't even cover it...I'll be thinking about all of you.
Posted by: R | January 05, 2009 at 10:37 AM
That so stinks. Where's that magical fairy that waves her wand and makes everything better?
Posted by: Jess | January 05, 2009 at 11:33 AM
new Jersey = magic potion? I have not heard of such elixir. I will be thinking of your Kathryn.
Posted by: katherine | January 05, 2009 at 11:49 AM
i love and hate how kids can be so accepting of their medical issues. that she knows what's happened, what's happening, and knows what she's supposed to do to deal with it is heartbreaking, and yet how much sadder would it be if she were totally bewildered, and even more scared than she already is. it's amazing how these goofy, squishy things that sometimes still have to be told how to put food in their own mouths can develop warrior's spirits. i'm as sorry for kathryn's condition as i am for my own daughter's illness, but i am so extraordinarily proud of how they cope with them.
Posted by: megachick | January 05, 2009 at 11:52 AM
This makes my heart hurt in so many ways.
Posted by: pushpush | January 05, 2009 at 01:09 PM
Please 2009, be nicer to Kathryn than that bitch 2008 was.
That was no way to ring in the New Year.
Ha! Yeah, all that fresh NJ air.
Posted by: Catizhere | January 05, 2009 at 01:20 PM
To add a note of hope, I had mysterious seizures for a year, and then they just . . . went away. Six years seizure-free now. I hope Kathryn's likewise vanish without lasting ill effect.
(Also: Dick Clark doing the new year's thing is one reason I'm glad we don't have TV anymore.)
Posted by: Uccellina | January 05, 2009 at 02:42 PM
You're holding that little girl tight, right? And you tell her that you're going to hold her and never let her go and that everything's going to be ok, right? And you and The Mom are doing the same for each other, right? Maybe you need to squeeze tighter. And look on the bright side -- no matter how bad things get for Kathryn, she will never look or sound as awful as Dick Clark.
Posted by: Joy | January 05, 2009 at 03:30 PM
Virtual hugs from across the Pond. Kathryn is mature beyond her years through all her adversities.
I have everything crossed for the Lookydaddy family - even things that haven't crossed for
many a year.
xx
Posted by: Mort's Mom | January 05, 2009 at 03:46 PM