You know, there's a very real part of me that would just be delighted if we were wrong about Barack Obama. Not wrong, like he turns out to be bad for the country, that would be dreadful, but wrong like he turns out to be, like, crazy evil. You know, like all the wingnuts said he'd be? Like, on Inauguration Day he'd stand up, walk to the podium and start out all, "My fellow Americans," but then a few minutes into it, he go all "Rise! Rise, my undead servants! Heed your new master!" and then the sun would turn dark and all these zombies would come out and start eating our brains and my mother-in-law would be all "I told you so!" and locust swarms would devour our crops and toads would rain from the sky and we'd be cursing ourselves that we dismissed all those warnings, all those emails sent mostly from East Texas, but we wouldn't curse for long because we'd be zombies, socialist zombies, and our health care would suck? I think that'd be a hoot.
My wife just read this over my shoulder and asked if it was really the kind of material I wanted to write when I was up for a weblog award. So I replied, yes, this is exactly the kind of stuff I want to write. I mean, I can't keep playing the seizure card, now can I? Sure, it'd probably get me a lot of sympathy votes, to say my daughter is epileptic and keeps having these wacky seizures, in fact I bet I could get a vote every time I wrote the word seizure, but that's not the kind of guy I am. Seizure seizure seizure.
Seizure.
Besides, I was going to play the twin card, but there's a finalist with quads. So seizure.
Speaking of which, what's up with all the comments saying you all are positive I'd rather the seizures were happening to me than to Kathryn? Have you seen those things? I mean, come on! Look, middle school is going to be hard on that girl, too, but you sure as hell won't see me trying to shoulder that burden, either. Remember who you're dealing with here. I'm a finalist for Best Parenting BLOG, people, not Best Parent.
Classic Looky Daddy!!!
Seizure!
Posted by: Anne Prince | January 06, 2009 at 10:53 PM
I read your blog often and never comment, but just thought I'd drop in to tell you that I put a plug in for you at all my favorite blogs. I hope you win!
Posted by: M.E. | January 06, 2009 at 10:56 PM
socialist zombies?! if that doesn't get you an award I don't know what will.
Posted by: bernadette | January 07, 2009 at 12:09 AM
Lol :P Yep, I've seen those things, and they don't look like much fun, really. Except when you get to nap after maybe.
You've always been my favorite anyway, long before the seizures. I think it was the spewing toilet that sealed the deal.
But shhhh. Don't tell my Husband, remember?
Posted by: ScatteredMom | January 07, 2009 at 12:10 AM
That WOULD be a hoot. Seriously.
Posted by: KatStuff | January 07, 2009 at 12:16 AM
LMAO - At least you're honest about the seizures.... seizures seizures seizures
Posted by: Chris | January 07, 2009 at 12:47 AM
I would never wish seizures on anyone. Especially not a stay at home dad of 3! Seriously, what would happen to those kids while you were seizing on the floor? Zap the seizures over to the cat instead.
Congratulations on your award nomination. As you can see by my comment I'm trying my best to get you votes. Seizure seizure seizure! (for the cat, not you, and definitely NOT Sparky)
Posted by: Chickenpig | January 07, 2009 at 08:36 AM
You never did answer how much you are willing to pay for a vote or two or thirty. I mean, you are up against Amalah. Have you read her stuff? HYSTERICAL!
Posted by: Burgh Baby | January 07, 2009 at 08:39 AM
Seizure! Ha! you had me laughing.. I would vote for you any day!
Posted by: Sandi | January 07, 2009 at 08:55 AM
Yeah, that'd be real funny. You know, until we started goin' out eatin' brains and stuff. Then we'd be French.
Posted by: Colleen - Mommy Always Wins | January 07, 2009 at 08:59 AM
Y'know what? One of Kayla's classmates is con-freaking-vinced that Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. And she doesn't even crack a smile when she says that so I'm pretty sure she's serious. What. The. Hell.
Seizure. (Just trying to help the cause)
Posted by: Five Left Feet | January 07, 2009 at 09:08 AM
After I read the first sentence I was about to be mad you were dissing the Obama, but then I read the rest and you're right, that would be totally awesome but fyi he also has to use the Black Panthers as some sort of baby-killing Gestapo, according to the e-mails I've been receiving from my aunt. A+
Posted by: the grumbles | January 07, 2009 at 09:47 AM
I read your blog all the time (often out loud to my husband who simply refuses to accept Google Reader, anyway...) but I always forget to comment. Just wanted to let you know I voted for you.
Posted by: Cynthia | January 07, 2009 at 10:27 AM
Oh my God I am going over to vote for you right now just based on this post alone. LMAO
Posted by: Miss Britt | January 07, 2009 at 10:46 AM
Ha! Your best post to date.
Posted by: Knight | January 07, 2009 at 10:47 AM
This just earned my vote today. And maybe tomorrow, too. If you repeat the word seizure again.
LMAO.
Posted by: Her Bad Mother | January 07, 2009 at 10:50 AM
I pray for your epileptic daughter and ask that the entire country send positive energy towards her, enough to drive that wacky seizure affliction OUT of her forever.
And into Obama. On Inauguration day. *THAT* would be funny.
"I solemnly swear.. .GAHWK twitch HAWWWGAH"
(audience child): "Mommy, why is he making fun of epileptics?"
(mommy): "I don't know, sweetie, but he must have a good reason because he is the change we hoped for that would change us in a hope-filled way, and I believe in that change. Hope with me, ok?"
--
My wife just looked over my shoulder at the comment I composed and promptly slapped me across the back of the head and muttered "moron".
Posted by: whall | January 07, 2009 at 11:03 AM
Even your passing mention of the idea of possibly going through middle school again made me spew coffee all over my laptop.
You owe me a new laptop.
Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' | January 07, 2009 at 11:09 AM
At least you only get the email... My neighbor read some end-of-the-world book (written within the last year) that says we'll elect a black leader and the world will end in 2012. She insists on quoting this book as fact. Unless it was written by Dionne Warwick, I'm not falling for it.
Seizure.
I do what I can.
Posted by: loren | January 07, 2009 at 11:30 AM
You do it every time! NOW I'm having a seizure. A-fit-of-laughter-seizure. Thanks for keeping it real!
Posted by: ~annie | January 07, 2009 at 12:00 PM
Never commented before, but I have to tell you...posts like this one are exactly why I am a faithful reader.
Posted by: Heather King | January 07, 2009 at 01:17 PM
Like we used to say as we'd leave a room at summer camp, "Seizure later!"
Posted by: Deanna | January 07, 2009 at 01:27 PM
WTF is wrong with me that this is the first time I'm on your blog. (Miss Britt sent me!) Personally, I hope that Barack has an Afro on Inauguration Day.
Posted by: Marinka | January 07, 2009 at 01:33 PM
Brilliant post!
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | January 07, 2009 at 01:55 PM
Can your posts get any better? I practically get all steamy thinking about the next one...
Posted by: Penelope C | January 07, 2009 at 01:58 PM