Looky, Daddy!

Why I Never Post Anymore

This is probably the most accurate self-portrait ever drawn.

Kathryn by Kathryn

Why don't you move within earshot and see how much blogging you get done, okay?

The Winner

Without further delay, I present the winner of the Third Mostly-Annual Haiku Contest:

A lovely playdate
My child says, "Lick my boobies"
Now we have to move

This 19-syllable gem of a poem was written by Vikki of Up Popped a Fox, a great blog that does not, as a rule, talk about kids licking boobies, so it must just be something about us over here that brings such stuff out in people.

Vikki, email me your address and the coffee and mug will be on their way. Congratulations.

The Haiku Finalists

Inviting five friends and their seven kids over to help me judge the haiku submissions sounded like a fun idea when I came up with it. Just like the lychee martinis sounded like a fun idea, too. But now that everyone is gone and I have a house full of pizza crusts, spilled juice, and dirty cocktail shakers, with nothing but a few scribbles on the 17 pages of haiku I printed out, it seems less than helpful. Besides, most of the scribbles are from Jennifer, who upon drinking her second martini wrote IDIOT over every sentimental haiku you people wrote. She's an angry, angry person, my friend Jennifer.

So, piecing the event together as best I can, here are the 10 finalists:

Legos by Robyn

Legos are breeding
Under chairs, ready to leap
Beneath my bare feet

My Turn by Megan

"Three boys?" Eyebrows raised
Laugh now! Soon, sweet girls are teens.
I'll laugh last, you bitch!

Cup of Joe by Shnerfle

Morning cup of joe
Rewarmed, lost, found in micro.
Never stood a chance

Honey, We're Packing Again by Vikki

A lovely playdate
My child says "Lick my boobies"
Now we have to move

Wreckage by Laugh, Mom

Have pushed out three kids.
Was two separate places.
Is now vaganus

Missing the Point by Jill

I'm in here! he shouts
Muffled voice from the closet
Preschool hide-and-seek

School Bus by Taado

The good lord giveth,
But School Bus taketh away:
I worship weekdays

Sad Tooth by Carrie

Under the pillow
Waits the tooth safely wrapped but
Tooth fairy forgets

Hannah Montana by Chookooloonks

Hannah Montana
Will be the death of me yet
My daughter can't sing

Last Trimester by Anna

I'm a giant orb
Burgeoning, wobbly, slow, sick;
Ah! I've shit myself

It was my intention to provide witty quotes from the judges explaining why each poem was chosen, but at this point all I can remember was someone saying "Vaganus" would be a great name for a band.

Now for the voting. Between now and midnight EST Friday, please select your two favorite haiku.

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The haiku were especially good this year and it was very hard to choose just ten out of all the submissions. If yours was not in the finalists, I'm sure it was one of those argued over again and again. Unless, of course, it was sentimental, then we simply couldn't read it and you should blame Jennifer. I always do.

Third Annual Haiku Madness

Well, hello! It's March 1st and time to ramp this blog back to its fully-functioning self, which, as I recently read in an online review "trumps so many others in terms of its own contrived archness." After looking up "archness" in the dictionary, my wife turned to me and said, "Well, at least you won something."

But now it's not my turn to win something, it's yours. Haiku madness is upon us once again. The rules are simple: Write a parenting haiku. Submit it below. Win.

For judging this time, I'm doing something different, which is a nice way of saying my guest judge no longer responds to my emails. This year, the 3-Martini Playdate will get together and choose the finalists on Wednesday afternoon, which really means I am going to choose, because Jennifer can't count syllables after her second martini and Camilo's dad will just spend his time rifling through the whole bunch looking for Spanish haiku and cursing at us in his own colorful and ancient language.

To kick things off, here are two of my own:

Not a Good Sign

Just for my daughters
She keeps lollipops at hand
Liquor store cashier

By "Odd", I mean "Only"

My marital bed
Five bodies cannot fit there
Odd man out again

The winners will receive a big ol' bag of coffee and a Looky, Daddy! coffee mug (one of only two ever made) to drink it from. Submissions will be accepted until midnight EST Tuesday. Finalists will be posted for voting on Thursday morning.