Inviting five friends and their seven kids over to help me judge the haiku submissions sounded like a fun idea when I came up with it. Just like the lychee martinis sounded like a fun idea, too. But now that everyone is gone and I have a house full of pizza crusts, spilled juice, and dirty cocktail shakers, with nothing but a few scribbles on the 17 pages of haiku I printed out, it seems less than helpful. Besides, most of the scribbles are from Jennifer, who upon drinking her second martini wrote IDIOT over every sentimental haiku you people wrote. She's an angry, angry person, my friend Jennifer.
So, piecing the event together as best I can, here are the 10 finalists:
Legos by Robyn
Legos are breeding
Under chairs, ready to leap
Beneath my bare feet
My Turn by Megan
"Three boys?" Eyebrows raised
Laugh now! Soon, sweet girls are teens.
I'll laugh last, you bitch!
Cup of Joe by Shnerfle
Morning cup of joe
Rewarmed, lost, found in micro.
Never stood a chance
Honey, We're Packing Again by Vikki
A lovely playdate
My child says "Lick my boobies"
Now we have to move
Wreckage by Laugh, Mom
Have pushed out three kids.
Was two separate places.
Is now vaganus
Missing the Point by Jill
I'm in here! he shouts
Muffled voice from the closet
Preschool hide-and-seek
School Bus by Taado
The good lord giveth,
But School Bus taketh away:
I worship weekdays
Sad Tooth by Carrie
Under the pillow
Waits the tooth safely wrapped but
Tooth fairy forgets
Hannah Montana by Chookooloonks
Hannah Montana
Will be the death of me yet
My daughter can't sing
Last Trimester by Anna
I'm a giant orb
Burgeoning, wobbly, slow, sick;
Ah! I've shit myself
It was my intention to provide witty quotes from the judges explaining why each poem was chosen, but at this point all I can remember was someone saying "Vaganus" would be a great name for a band.
Now for the voting. Between now and midnight EST Friday, please select your two favorite haiku.
The haiku were especially good this year and it was very hard to choose just ten out of all the submissions. If yours was not in the finalists, I'm sure it was one of those argued over again and again. Unless, of course, it was sentimental, then we simply couldn't read it and you should blame Jennifer. I always do.
ARGH. I look forward to these contests every year but I just haven't been able to bring it since the inaugural haiku contest (when I was a close third (maybe?) if you count the Mom's haiku - I still think that was a little shady...)! My entries were definitely not sentimental. If I tried to write anything sentimental about my kids, I'd still be picking the dried emesis out of my laptop keyboard. I don't even drink coffee but I still really wanted to win!!! I'm going to start on my limericks right now.
Posted by: John | March 05, 2009 at 12:19 AM
Yay, you're back!
I could have said that on the previous post, but the comment stream was chock-a-block with haikus. Before kid #2 and the sleep deprivation that just won't go away, I might have even wanted to welcome you back w/ haiku. But alas, cannot. Not really:
Dude, you've been reviewed?
Your arches bigger than Trump's?
I'm proud to know ya.
Posted by: Polly | March 05, 2009 at 01:04 AM
I had to vote for the hide and seek one for my own sentimental reasons. That perfectly sums up life in my house with my 3 year old right now.
But my favorite is the boobies. Very hard to choose out of so many good ones.
Posted by: Catherine | March 05, 2009 at 08:25 AM
I am so glad that I didn't enter one - it would have paled in comparison to these gems that nearly killed me as I choked on my sausage this morning in laughter!
Man, choosing two is tough...I'll have to say My Turn and Wreckage made me laugh the hardest. With my sentimental side loving Missing the Point and School Bus.
Posted by: Lucy | March 05, 2009 at 08:43 AM
Loved them all. It was hard to choose.
Posted by: Stephanie | March 05, 2009 at 09:02 AM
My Turn and Last Trimester.
Posted by: Sheila | March 05, 2009 at 09:09 AM
The fact that "Teenage Conspiracy Theories" did not make the final cut can only be explained by the fact that the judges have not yet entered the teenage years when life begins to mirror the "Zits" comic strip all too closely.
Posted by: E.J. | March 05, 2009 at 09:31 AM
I love them all! Missing the Point made me laugh because it's exactly what my three year old does. And my eight year old for that matter. I have raised defective hide and seekers.
Posted by: Jen | March 05, 2009 at 09:32 AM
Wow, those are hilarious (and that was the understatement of the year). Though I didn't know whether to laugh or cry about the vaganus, since I can sympathize.
Posted by: Kate | March 05, 2009 at 09:41 AM
Dear Brian,
With this post, you give new meaning to the term "Poetic License." Congratulations, and thanks for the (only one!) martini.
Your Friend,
Jennifer
PS. It was me! I said VAGANUS would make a cool band name!
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | March 05, 2009 at 10:20 AM
One more thing for John: FWIW, I voted for a few of your haiku. They rocked.
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | March 05, 2009 at 10:23 AM
Awww, thanks Jennifer. If you're ever up in MA, I'll have you over for Martinis. So who do I blame, LD or Camilo's Dad? Hmmmmm...what will be my revenge?
Posted by: John | March 05, 2009 at 11:13 AM
Aargh! You can't change your mind once you push a button. Of course the one with Bitch in it is going to win. Haven't we all experienced one?
John, your haiku was excellent. Totally my experience with morning joe. It can also be recycled for an Alzheimer's website haiku contest!
Posted by: Amy | March 05, 2009 at 11:34 AM
John, when in doubt, blame The Dad. :-)
Posted by: 3-Martini Jennifer | March 05, 2009 at 11:46 AM
I thought with a word like "turd" I'd be a shoo-in. Guess it just couldn't compete beside words like "vaganus." I'm bummed.
Posted by: KK | March 05, 2009 at 12:20 PM
E.J.: "Teenage Conspiracy Theories" was my fav! But why would I expect my husband to listen to me?
Posted by: The Mom | March 05, 2009 at 12:23 PM
I picked sad tooth as that would be as tooth fairy fail whale for the last 3 teeth around here. Next year, I'll gear up for haiku contest, mos def.
Posted by: MidStreamMom | March 05, 2009 at 12:48 PM
er, that would be ME. yip.
Posted by: MidStreamMom | March 05, 2009 at 12:50 PM
I can live with my Haiku not making the cut, but am perplexed as to why Meandering Michael's crushed 'nads were omitted.
Posted by: Lurky Mommy | March 05, 2009 at 02:04 PM
School Bus and Cup of Joe.
We just posted that March is Caffeine Awareness Month, so HAD to go with the coffee haiku.
Posted by: MotherProof | March 05, 2009 at 02:46 PM
Teen aged conspiracy theories was my absolute favorite. The judges obviously have NOT been there yet. But you will, and with girls. Bwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
Posted by: Angela | March 05, 2009 at 03:10 PM
I see that all the finalists had titles for their haikus. I will know for next year to title mine. Maybe this should be a semi-annual thing. I have to agree that "Teenage Conspiracy Theories" was pretty good (and mine were too).
Posted by: Ben @ Big Piece of Chicken | March 05, 2009 at 03:52 PM
Honey, We're Moving Again
Posted by: Catherine | March 05, 2009 at 03:58 PM
Missing the Point is totally sentimental and dead on. Every night my two year old son hides under a blanket and demands that we say, "Where is me?"
Posted by: Courtney | March 05, 2009 at 04:06 PM
So many good ones, practically all better than mine!! But Wreckage has got to win, she's inspired. And, yes, wrecked, but maybe she'll win a prize for it.
Posted by: Springsteen Fan | March 05, 2009 at 04:25 PM